I've decided I'm going to confront him!
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| Fri, 05-06-2005 - 7:41am |
Well - I have decided that after 12 years of not having my needs met, its time to confront him which will suit me. I have had heaps of advice from loads of friends and you lovely people here, but one friend said something tonight that really stuck. She said that while listening to what others offered, I neeeded to follow my instinct and do what I thought was best for me. I am a big believer in making eye contact with the person I need to speak to. So as soon as the weekend is over I am going to ring him and tell him he needs to get his butt down here sooner rather than later. (He lives 1000 miles away). Over the phone won't do, I think its time I got a chance to lay my cards on the table, tell him how hurtful these years have been to me, and make him take some medicine. Does anyone agree with what I'm thinking?
Still need to ask what you guys think. LOL ;)
Liz

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I do want to do this for my own piece of mind, and I have no false hopes about him saying "oh my darling lets run off and get married!" or anything like that. It is just that for this whole time I have suffered in silence - every time he goes home and I fall in a heap its by myself with no one to talk to (in the closet - you know), and I have realised that in most of our years together I have never shown him someone who is anything other than totally happy with our A's status quo. I think he needs a taste of reality, to fully understand what he has done. Please don't get me wrong, I may seem angry, but this is not going to be a screaming match. I just need to let him know. Now that I've explained it fuller, do you still think I am trying to fool myself? I only ask because this whole 'ending' experience has had my emotions running in seventeen thousand different ways and I'm still pretty confused about it.
Thanks - Liz :)
lay your cards on the table only if you need to vent. I wouldnt expect different results. Also be sure to take responsibility for your own decisions and actions over these many years. Giving him his "medicine' sounds like he's done some things wrong. If he has lied and hurt you i hope you'll be ok but do keep in mind...12 yrs is a long time to expect sympathy from him IF you are projecting yourself as an unwilling or unknowing victim in all of this. Unless he completely led a double life and he's lived with you this whole time as well....you have just as much responsibility in your relationship as he does after 12 yrs.
I'd be very careful in the accusitory wordage you use. No one takes advantage of someone unless you let them....especially someone with clear knowledge of the facts.
Lizzie
That is very true, I will definitely keep that in mind. I have not given him many reasons over the years to think that I was not happy. However I feel this is something I really need to do, so that I can close the door on this A.
Liz
Liz
Your instincts have cost you 12 years of your life, your youth was wasted by following your instincts so how reliable are they ??
If you do this you have to expect more LIES AND MANIPULATION he has done what he has had to do for 12 years to get his regular BOOTY call what makes you think he is not going to continue this and just turn up the heat untel you melt, hell girl he said that he loved you ONE TIME and it through you into confusion.
I understand a desire for closure eveyone wants it but I think your going to have to accept that your not likely to get it by doing this your just going to face more of the same that you have for 12 years.
One last question for you what are you going to say or do if he says SORRY CAN'T COME, are you going to end it on the phone or let it continue...if end it then way not just call say your bit tell him to drop dead and to never contact you again unless he wants to face real consquences in his real life THEN GOOD BYE.
Food for thought.
Free
Free,
Wow what do I say to that? WHEW! You do practice tough love, but I suppose it is necessary when you have these silly people wanting to hurt themselves over and over. Thing is, while I could say I think you may be right, deep down I know your right - yet I still want to do this! I want to prove that he can't turn it around, he can't get to me, and that makes me darn mad at me! What am I trying to do here? Prolong the inevitable? I know I am not hoping for a change. I really hate this situation I'm in now - I wish, oh I don't even know what I wish.
Thanks as always - Liz
Hi Liz,
Free and others have already made some great comments. I am new here and am not sure of all your details other than what you wrote in this thread. But here's my advice -
--When you ask him to come to see you, don't let on that there is any trouble because I agree, he may not even come.
--If you really feel you need to do this, be prepared that he might end up using the occasion as an escape route and agreeing with you. Then of course you might feel even worse than you do now.
--But if you are able to say what you need to and "draw a line " so to speak, between the past and the future, then I would go for it....
Aps
If you've given him no reason to believe you weren't happy with things as they were-all this time, does it make sense to now be mad at him for not "knowing this"? Or to suddenly decide to go at him with your 12 years of unhappiness? I guess I am not following..i understand the need to express. But, you've said you haven't expressed unhappiness for 12 years. That is your own doing..right? I'm just not sure, it will make much difference for him to suddenly hear it?
Liz, I don't know if you remember my post in response to your first post... but our situations are somewhat similar except I'm M.
We both have useless MM/xMM that are not kind to us (overall) but come for their booty calls anywhere from 1-3 times per year and we've put up with it for a long time (9+ years for me - although the first 6+ years xMM offered more emotional support than now).
We are staying in situations that are hurting us and we are not "raw" with our emotions (so they don't know how much we truly suffer). They are attentive and supportive when we're with them, but their actions throughout the years tell us differently. I don't know about you, but I have felt hostile, depressed, and *used* in between these visits, only to do it again the next time! Insanity!
It's like we feel there is no way someone that we care for so much would do this to us - but the facts don't lie. And the length of the A plays into it... the longer it went on I kept thinking "Boy, this must really be something special to last this long." (Makes me sick to think of it now)
We both feel this incredible need to release on them NOW for all the hurt they have caused.
I'm not going to tell you not to do it. I will tell you MY BIGGEST CONCERN.
My xMM has quite an affect on me in person. I'm "too nice" and come around to his manner - I let him talk me into things that my "normal mind" would not allow.
I am very concerned that he will sweet talk you (after you give him a piece of your mind). I am concerned you will allow him to do this again - only feeling even more defeated after he's left - since it was the opposite of what you wanted to accomplish. And you'll feel even more upset with yourself, feeling like you can never get out because you're not "strong enough" to do it (been there).
I am not 100% against giving him a piece of your mind, but I am concerned for you to do it in person.
I only throw this in since to a "normal" person (even a "normal" person in an A!) - our situations seem so unattractive that why would we keep doing this?? I wish I could explain that little fact to myself (besides having low self-esteem - which you wouldn't believe if you met me in person since I co-run a company).
We need to do something BIG - we need to break this cycle.
WIP
liz,
u can close the door yourself
max
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