I've decided I'm going to confront him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
I've decided I'm going to confront him!
21
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 7:41am

Well - I have decided that after 12 years of not having my needs met, its time to confront him which will suit me. I have had heaps of advice from loads of friends and you lovely people here, but one friend said something tonight that really stuck. She said that while listening to what others offered, I neeeded to follow my instinct and do what I thought was best for me. I am a big believer in making eye contact with the person I need to speak to. So as soon as the weekend is over I am going to ring him and tell him he needs to get his butt down here sooner rather than later. (He lives 1000 miles away). Over the phone won't do, I think its time I got a chance to lay my cards on the table, tell him how hurtful these years have been to me, and make him take some medicine. Does anyone agree with what I'm thinking?

Still need to ask what you guys think. LOL ;)

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 7:33pm

Thanks - I am definitely not going to let on anything, or else I agree he definitely won't come! I am just going to say that I need to see him and let him tottle down here like he always does.

Thanks :) Hope your doing well

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 11:31pm

I agree with your friend. You do have to do things your own way but, don't forget the great advice of the awesome people on this board. It took me several "closure" conversations and lots of NC before I could come to the point where I am today which is INDIFFERENCE! I think in my case that worked because xmm was patient and dedicated to helping me get through this so we could still work together. I finally got to the point where I realized that "if I kept doing what I had been doing I would keep on getting what I had always gotten." That wasn't enough for me anymore and I finally decided I was done. The truth is xmm didn't change and I will never know if anything I said mattered at all because basically he knew what he was doing the whole time and part of his guilt was the man he became with me as well as his family. If this will help you great but don't count on it doing anything to him. This relationship is what it is and you have been a willing participant. I know I wanted xmm to give me something back for all that I gave him but it will not happen. The really important thing is that I am standing up for me now regardless of how he thinks or feels or anything he could possibly say. Not from a place of being hurt but from a place of loving myself.

Whatever you do I wish you luck and much strength....kc

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 7:54am

Of course I remember you my 'work in progress' friend! I think our situations are so similar its scary, and I can see how being sweet talked could happen. However, I really really have to try. It may be foolish, but its something I really have to do.

The reason I have chosen to do it in person is that over 85% of communication is non-verbal (as I am sure you are aware).

Little about my background...came from a nuclear family with a father who was emotionally detatched (hint #1), then was abused by my music teacher when I was 13 (hint #2), married a man who was 12 years older than me at 21 because I was worried I would be 'left on the shelf' (hint #3)!! He was a regular user of marijuana and was VERY introverted. I thought I could change him - and perhaps his introversion was some sort of mystery - very attractive (You know I really laugh at myself when I look back over all this). Fast forward 2 years wake up one day next to a man I really don't like and also have a baby. How did I ever get here??? Have to get out to save myself from his downward spiral.

Meanwhile have met MM - great timing on his behalf! Saves me and then a year later I decide to move to my home town 1000 miles away. (exH got physically abusive after I left him) Came home with my daughter (then almost 2) and work my way up the corporate ladder, finishing as South Pacific Regional Line Manager for worldwide corporation. Then I meet a nice guy who I use to get what pleasure I want and 6 weeks later fall pregnant. (Ah yes Days and Y&theR have nothing on my life!!). Retire from corporate life and spend the next 12 months at home with new bub.

Take on a part time job then go out to train to result in a career change. Still in training now. As you are, I am a very independant woman who is quite ambitious and no one who ever met me would think I had an esteem problem or any problems for that matter.

I greatly look forward to speaking again, perhaps you can share your story with me one day :)

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 8:10am

Thanks kc,

I am definitely doing this for selfish reasons. I am not expecting any great revelations from him, and if I did get them I would have to turn him down. A permanent relationship between us would never work as I know that I have been having an A with him for 12 years, so if we hooked up someone would have to take my place as his 'bit on the side' and I could never live with that. I just need to tell him, the person who this has been going on with how I feel. I understand he won't change and may even try to change my mind around to his way of thinking - and I am going to be strong. I really hope I don't end up here the day after whining and whingeing about the fact that I let it happen again. And if I do end up like that I hope no one repeats that classic line - I told you so.

Take care & thanks

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 8:50am

I have been following your thread with interest but have been somewhat hesitant about what to suggest. I also felt the need to have face to face meetings to extricate myself from the entanglement of my affair relationship. Unlike you I have been able to communicate fairly openly with my EMM about my angst (and he vice versa) throughout our A. My concern for you is that our previous attempt to end our A failed because I was not really prepared to set proper boundaries and I think, not "really, really" ready to WANT to end it. We ended up returning to our A after 3 months of a half-hearted NC.

My advice is to please be very clear about what the agenda of your converation will be. I would even suggest that you write down everything that you want to say and read it to him so that you stay on track. If I were you I would also write down a seperate conversation of affirmations to yourself (a kind of self-talk pep talk) about all the reasons this relationship has been so damaging and TOXIC to your psyche- remind yourself about all the years that you wasted with this man. The best offense is to "re-program" yourself and you will not get sucked back in.

This time I KNOW I am ready. I can honestly say that the last time I met with my XMM (over lunch) I looked at him and he had become pathetic to me - a sad, dillusional soul (just like me) who had also made a very wrong choice. If you know you are ready - and I mean that you completely and totally in your guts know - that you under NO CIRCUMSTANCES want to continue a personal relationship with this man then, go ahead, arrange your meeting BUT remember 'Forewarned, forearmed, and to be prepared is half the victory'.

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 9:28am

ok...i guess i was a bit confused...

the title of the thread perhaps may have done this.

"confront" and "ending it" to me...are two different notions.

"Giving him some of his own medicine" and "i am going to end this and tell him why" ..to me...are two different notions.

The newer posts seem to have the flavor of "i am ending it and want to do it in person".

I see that different than a "confrontation".

Are you telling him off and ending it ? Since you've admitted to not having really communicated to him alot of your true feelings for 12 yrs. Be prepared for him to react as if he is being blindsided and all that that entails as far as how he will see you truely because ...according to you...this is the last time. Do what you "have to do" is fine because those are your feelings. Owning up to the responsibility of your feelings is something else to consider as well. Angry at who? you? or him? or both of you? only you know what youve said and how youve acted over the years and how true to yourself you were and how true or not to himself and yourself he was. I am not saying conceed to him but please think this out as "we" and not just "him". Are you a victim? Something tells me since he didn't hold a gun to your head, that you are not.

There was a lot of anger in the tone of your original post. Its been held in from what I understand. Realize what your own part in that is and how males can't fix something unless they know its broken but may not react when you smash it over their head when they think all along it was on a pillow with a smile. I hope he is not going to be confused but more enlightened because you have been pretty honest yourself all this time?

I hope you understand what passive aggressive behavior is and how it can be damaging to yourself when its not intended. Taking responsibility for passive agressive behavior is the first step in recognizing it and dealing with it.
I wish you wisdom, clarity, strength, and satisfaction,
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 9:47am

Thanks Artisit,

Your post was full of relelvant helpful advice. I had decided to write everything down, as I didn't want to get to the next day thinking "oh I wish I had said such and such". I think what has bought me to this point (aside from the fact that he said he loved me - which now I think was not the point at all) is the fact that when he visited me last week, I looked at him and thought, "your not the man I have been with for 12 years". He looked as though he had troubles and weaknesses which he had never shown before. Suddenly he wasn't quite as attractive to me which I struggled with. I think the fact that I have never told him about my issues with our A is that every single time I would talk to him or see him everything was always "fabulous! or super!". No ones life can ever be that good - I simply believe that he did not want me to think that he was not Superman.

Thank you - wish me luck. I'm going to do it.

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 11:54am

Liz, please promise us that you'll come back and report on what happened - no matter the outcome.

It seems like a lot of us have had to do the NC thing a couple of times to get it right... so (not that you will!) but if you do end up in a position, errr, situation that you don't want to be in, please still come back here.

I will be on the edge of my seat to see how he responds.

Hoping you'll feel better and be able to move on.

Good luck, WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 12:37pm

No one on this board will say "I told you so". Most of us have BTDT and we realize the value in dusting yourself off and starting again.

<<>>

This was a part of the process for me after we began NC (which I had a hard time sticking to) after every conversation or contact we had I would have a new perspective on the the real man that he is. I slowly woke up to reality. The last conversation we had made it clear that if I wanted a booty call I could have it, I had thought it was so much more. Not so hard to give that up! It just set me free to start dealing with the true problems in my life. I also had an issue with him saying "I love you" at the beginning it was very emotional but he struggled and would say he was attatched to me, finally he would say he loved me. The only thing he did that shows love for me was ending this.....love is everything good and an A is the opposite of that. I know we all have deep feelings but love would be sacrificing those for the good of the person whom you love.

I wish you luck and strength but really you already have everything you need to do this inside of you! Start believing in yourself and take all of that love you have been wasting and use it on yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 5:00am

Don't worry, I will definitely come back and let you know what happened. For the last week this board has been my only place of solace, finally people who I can tell my innermost secrets and not have them judge me.

Don't be concerned if you don't hear straight away. I am still devising (terrible what we have to do - huh?) how to get him down here soon. He is terribly busy but I will give him 4 weeks at the most. That is only when I say within 2 weeks and he says can't do - then I'll extend it. Worst case scenario is that I will have to fly the 1000 miles myself. Although I have to tell you I would feel so much more comfortable in my own area, my town. Don't know why just more comforting.

Happy thoughts to you always WIP - Liz :) x