I've gone NC but haven't moved on
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| Mon, 05-10-2010 - 4:36pm |
I've posted this on another forum but would like some extra opinions from people who are actively trying to end an affair, as I am. I need to get some closure on how he feels before I move on, and asking him isn't an option because I've decided to have no contact.
I am married and have been having an affair for over a year now. We've been on and off the whole time, though. A lot of conversations, an emotional affair, BUT every time it was time to have sex, the OM would stop contacting me (he is also married.)
This happened 3 times, and he would always contact me after a few weeks and start everything all over. More promises. More involvement. Then he would back out.
Last time was different, though. He contacted me, said he was ready to go all the way... so we did. He seemed so sure that we would keep going. Asked me so many questions about my marriage and my future, if I want more kids, etc. It was wonderful. At one point, he looked at me with a very emotional look on his face and said "You... what am I going to do with you??" I wasn't sure what that meant, but he seemed confused.
A few days went by, I contacted him, he'd reply and tell me how much he couldn't wait to be with me again... but not set another date. Then I sent him an email ending everything and saying that I couldn't continue, I felt too guilty and liked him too much, asking him to never contact me again (first time I ever did this).
My question is... if this was all about sex for him, wouldn't he have kept the sex going?? We were always VERY sexually compatible, and when it finally happened, it was amazing and explosive - for us both. It was scary, really.
Was I used? Or is he feeling guilty once again?

Hello confused2231 :)
I don't know if you want to be here, the Enders who are getting better and better every day because we are on the wheel and is in control of our life
Hi confused,
I'm sure someone more experienced than me will reply to you soon, but meanwhile, I thought I would offer my 2 cents.
It's hard to analyze someone's motivation from what a third person tells, but from where I stand it seems like he's just a skilled manipulator. It sounds like he backed out again and again to build up tension, which resulted in such amazing sex. Now he would have to start over and create drama to have this effect again.
I know only too well the feeling that one need to understand other's motivations in order to be able to move on, but I don't think it's really necessary. In fact, all you need to know is that you're married and you're or were in an illegitimate relationship that would destroy your self esteem in the long run. But I understand where you're coming from.
I met my xAP online and only met him in person once, before he ended things, so I didn't really know him. It goes without saying that my head was spinning when he ended it, trying to understand what it was all about. And I never came to a conclusion (this was ten months ago). I don't know if he just needed the kick of the first time and then that was it, or if he fell in love and thought I didn't care enough for him, or if he just wanted sex and I wasn't good enough in that department, or something else. And I asked him about his motives, I just didn't buy the answer (one week he says he's in love, the next that *I* had too much on my plate and, after I kept asking, that his wife didn't deserve that he cheats).
So, as to your question of if it was just sex or not, my answer is that we will never know for sure. And that, in the end, it doesn't really matter. What matters are the questions about your motivations, why you resorted to a secret relationship while staying married, things like that.
Hope this helps a little. Welcome to EAS. If you keep your resolution to end your A, this is the board for you.
Be well,
Prudence