I've got some questions for everyone

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
I've got some questions for everyone
11
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 12:19pm
Just curious-

We keep hearing that the Xmm is calling back and intiating contact with us. What do they want? Do they miss us or are they just weak and need to talk to you. What if they are not calling you back. Does that mean they dont' care anymore and they have moved on. We are trying to maintain NC for our self dignity and pride. Is that what they are doing too? What if you know your XMM didn't want to end things but you were so wishy washy and said it was best and then called them afterwards and they didn't want to talk to you anymore. My XMM always said to me "If I didn't want to talk to you - I wouldn't be calling you". So I guess he didn't want to talk anymore eventhough he didn't want it to end.

Also we eventually move on and look back and regret what we did and sometime ask why we did such a thing with this person. Do you think they have regerts and look at us as a mistake? My XMM always said he had no regrets and didn't feel guilty for what he was doing to his wife. Do you think he does now and hates me. One of the last phone calls we talked he said he could never hate me. Am I his mistake now? Just wondering your thoughts on what their take of it is.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 12:37pm
Well, Merehud, I try very hard not to have any thoughts on these things!!!! LOL. I'm in that category where the XMM has tried every possible means to contact me and I shore up every ounce of energy I have not to respond. Why is he doing this to me??? Who knows. IMHO, however, if I give too much thought to why he's doing this, I'll be giving too much thought to him and that aint gonna help me move on much, is it?. Hang in there, and don't worry what the heck is going on in his head. Worry about what's going on in yours...Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 1:11pm
Ladies, if you want to stop the contact, you can.

If you don't want to hear from them, you can ensure they don't. Change sim card on cell, block his numbers with your land line provider, block his email addresses, delete his IM usernames so you can't see whether or not he's online.

It really is that simple.

Of course, doing does remove you from the emotional rollercoaster of the will he/won't he phone/tm/em/im since you have taken pro-active steps to ensure he cannot contact you.

Until you get to a point where you do not WANT to hear from them, you're still on the rollercoaster and still feeding off each other in an ugly, needy feeding frenzy.

Bon appetit.

Posie



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 2:00pm
Hi Merehud,

Your questions - funny that people in this situation have the same thoughts.....they have been swiming in my brain for weeks now - and this is what I came up with to help me realize that my heart will heal. And that the more days go by when NC is in effect - the better I will feel...........

I have expressed before my situation, and that NC is not possible due to the fact that I and xMM are in the same close circle of friends and he is also one of my H's best friends - but the phone calls, those are not good - and prolong the hurt and I have not picked up his call for 1 week. (gota start somewhere........)

My 2 cents on your questions is:

I believe they call us because they really did care/love us, and it is hard for them to let go also - Men dont call women unless they WANT to talk to them - period. And when they dont call, well it depends upon how the A ended.......

Its not all about respect - the heart wants what it wants. Its up to us not to pick up the phone call, not return that text,email...by not responding. They will stop - believe me.

All in all that stupid saying is true about how Men and Women act completely different under stress. We analyze Everything!!! we go over and over what was said, what happened, and we ask other women for advice. Men - they dont talk about it, sure they think about it but they show signs of being upset and hurt - but they have the ability to put pride before anything, and that I think keeps them from calling in most situations, regardless of the Love that is still there/bad break up/both agreeing to stop...especially if the woman is the one who ends it - pure regection.

Your question about being a mistake - I only have what was said to me - and still being said to me...

They dont regret being with us - they regret the situation - the A.

I was not thought of as a mistake - but the A was a mistake.

I think that they go through all the emotions that we have - dont we regret, hate, love them again, get mad, are ok for awhile, round and round!!

I guess once NC has truly taken hold, And you have healed and moved on with your life and taken care of you...

the times that you will remember - last time you spoke together -then, tone of voice, and the words spoken...are what we should remember.

They can be a happy memory, or a mistake, and even hating that person - either way you will have overcome the situtation.

From what you said, I do not believe that he thinks you were a mistake. And he told you he did not feel guilty for being with you. I am sure that he will one day look back and when he thinks of the times you were together, he will smile -

Wouldn't that be what we would like to think -

That one day - all who were once heartbroken and hurt will smile again.





Edited 11/8/2004 2:10 pm ET ET by annakarena

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 2:20pm
I also think they call us, because they want to keep the physical thing going. I think that's what was happening in my case. I broke off with my xMM twice. Both times he called me and gave me sweet talk over the phone, or left me a sweet message.

Who knows what's going on their head???? I am sure my xMM probably wants to keep the contact with me, hoping that one day we'll be together again and he can fool around with me, which I won't let happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 2:59pm
Whoa there, Posie, back off. I'm not engaged in a feeding frenzy here. I blocked XMM's number on my cell after my last head-spinning weekend when I fessed up about having unwisely traded some text messages a while back. I was just giving my .02. Feel free to lighten up a bit, honey. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:08pm
<<<<>>>>

B_U_R_P! ;)

Yep, had that last belch 6 months ago. Tums, anyone?


~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:10pm


But what if there is no malice in their messages....just really missing you.

The last call I took - was a 2 hour conversation. A healthy converstaion about letting go to do what is right. stopping the inapropriate physical contact - the unknown future....both of us in therapy, what about the holidays and all our parties with our close friends... How to get over the wrong we had done - and will it effect us later when we are free.......

I lovingly let go when I hung up the phone. If we are ment to be together then it will be - but only if we are free. I will not live the next 6 months hoping that he is doing what I want him to do - I will live my life taking care of me - in the right way.

We cant lable these people and what they are feeling and thinking- each situation is different....each A had its own drama and story behind it, and this includes our spouses.....I see Free's posts about the few types of A's and I was unable to lump my situation into just one - its not possible...

The only thing thats known for sure is how we ourselves is thinking, feeling and doing. And to get better - thats the only thing that really matters.

Maybe I am still new......I dont want to be bitter, and it seems that alot of posters are so angry and hurt that its easier for them to see the person they were with as coniving and disrespectful....breaking NC to just screw with our heads.....and monsterish.........I guess if its easier for them to move on and think that way - fine, I just cant do that.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:30pm
Trust me, I have a super hard time moving on. I have fallen into depression, cry a lot, etc.

Like I mentioned before, I broke off my A twice. First time NC lasted for 1 day, until xMM called. Of course, I fell back into the trap.

Then 2 weeks later, I just couldn't take it anymore, because I felt neglected by him, he was calling me less and then I just told him it's over.

Once again, after the 2nd break up and a few days of NC, he called me AGAIN. Sweet talk on how much he missed me, etc. Even though he sounded sincere, I really felt that he was calling me, so that maybe we can make up and when he needs me as a sex toy he can have me.

As you mentioned in your post, each A is different. Mine only lasted 3 months and we only had IC 4x. We hardly ever talked, or had a conversations during this period. Each time we were together alone, it was all about sex. I wanted it to be more intimate, but I always felt that when we tried to have a conversation like normal people in a relationship, it never really went anywhere.

So, yes, in my case I think xMM is trying to hold onto me, so that he can still have IC once in a while.

In your case, you mentioned that you talked for 2 hours. I think that's great. I wish I had that with my xMM. We would speak on the phone a few times during the week, but it was never more than 5 minutes at a time.

If you are really meant to be together, I am sure you will end up together, but if not, I think it's time to let go and not worry whether he misses you, or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 4:48pm
I know how you feel. I really do.

I cried once on Saturday, sobbed really - because I refused to call him back. It was so hard not to do it - I had to leave my phone in the trunk of my car. But I was strong.

And I believe that he was not expecting me to not call - I mean we lived together in secret for 2 1/2 months!! We played house like newlyweds.....he cried when I got the Depo shot - because we were married to other people and there was no way our IC could produce a child. Our relationship did not feel like an A -

I dont know your whole story. Since I am new I may not have had the chance to view it when you first wrote it. I would like to hear it.

But if you think that the only reason that your xMM wants to talk to you or keep you around so to speak is for IC...

Then please stop crying...........you should not waste your tears on that!! Cry for lost love, cry for bad timing, cry for your own sadness over loss. You are giving him too much power. You were the strong one in the first place - you ended it. One day at a time - its the only thing that is working for me...

And the aching - it slowly fades....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 5:27pm
I posted several times on this board. You can read my most recent one under description "Sadgirl...Are you around". Someone asked about me and I replied.

My A only lasted for 3 months. I am still trying to move on, but it's hard. I did have feelings for this guy. He is married with 2 kids and I am married with 0 kids.

My xMM was sort of weird as far as letting me know how he really felt about me. Seems like he would only tell me nice things, after we would break up (which was 2 times).

I try to just forget and get back to my life as it used to be before the A. I have a husband at home who loves me to death and does everything for me. So, right now my focus is on that.

Anyway. Read my story, so you can see what I have been through. There's a lot more to it.

Hang in there, we're all here because we need support. You are not alone!

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