I've Hit an All-time Low Point

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
I've Hit an All-time Low Point
3
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 5:41pm
I haven't posted in awhile. I thought I was slowly but surely regaining my life, I'm going to a therapist, I greatly decreased contact w/MM to a few emails, and my H & I were working really hard on us. Well, enter this weekend.

My H has announced that he is leaving his job - with nothing else lined up. Economically that's ok b/c I have a really good job & I'm not worrying about bills, etc., it'll just be tighter than if he was still working. What I do have a problem with is that he has no concrete plans, he's not sending out his resume, starting classes or anything. Furthermore, it's become clear that he's depressed, about my A, about my smoking cigarettes, about life in general, and he won't come with me to my therapist for marriage counseling. He flat out refuses even though I've asked him on numerous occassions and have said how much I think we need to go to marriage counseling to get thru this. Today, all he's done is yell at me and then gone to sleep. He told me today he doesn't know why he's staying married to me, that he sees no point.

Meanwhile, I had worked up the courage on Friday to send MM an email basically telling him it was either all or nothing with me, that I couldn't and wouldn't continue the A the way it's been going. He emailed me back this afternoon - basically putting all the blame on me for the state of our A, saying that he's always been honest with me, saying that my email to him is an either you're in or you're out email, that he doesn't understand why I'm being like this, and that he doesn't like it. Well, duh, of course it's an either you're in or you're out email - that was the whole point. But now, I feel like he's breaking up with me & making everything seem like it's my fault, which I don't think is fair, especially as I initiated this convo. I'm not upset nor do I care who breaks up with whom, but what I do care about is dissolving our relationship, if that's the way it is, on an amicable note, especially b/c we work in the same field and will see each other at functions in the future.

I feel like I'm being dumped on by both H & MM, and that I have no one to turn to. They are both making me feel like crap and I'm so depressed. I know that I brought all this on myself, if I had never had an A, I wouldn't be in this boat, and maybe I'm just getting what I deserve. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just looking for some help to get thru what appears to be the simultaneous ending of 2 relationships, with the 2 men I've cared about most in my life. I'm hurting so bad right now & I really need a shoulder to cry on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 5:57pm
Blue

Your husband will more then likely come around, he has been dealt a very painfull blow fro mthe one person in the world he though he could trust with his life, IT IS GOING TO TAKE REAL TIME AND PATENCE on your part for him to get past this but the fact that he is still here speaks volumes so read the book dear.

There is only one relationship you should be concerned with and that is your marriage, what the hell are you doing talking to that jerk who took advangtage of you when you were drunk like he was some great guy and worth your time.

"""what I do care about is dissolving our relationship, if that's the way it is, on an amicable note""", WAY no job is that important, the only thing that matters is ending it NOW and keeping it ended 24/7 otherwise your still cheating on your husband and he has every reason to be triggered like he is.

IF YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE THE RAPIST HAS TO GO NOW PERIOD, NO CONTACT EVER, do you get it yet.

You don't need a soft shoulder to cry on as much as you need a swift kick back into the real world and out of that affair FOG your head is still stuck in.

"HARSH BUT TRUE"

Dump on me if you like.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 8:25pm
<<>>>

Huh? Help me to understand this please. You are working really hard on your marriage and yet you are still emailing MM? You say contact has decreased, but now that H is depressed and *scared* <----that's what he is, you know, that you gave MM an ultimatum?

Um....I think you need to fly down from "pretend land" and put your feet steadily on the ground and THEN (after you have deleted MM from every avenue of communication) you MUST start being completely open and honest with your H. You are losing him, or have you not yet noticed? Are you ready to sacrifice what could be a 100% recovery with H over a 5% chance or less with MM?

<<>>

How can someone break up with you when you are a married woman? And it IS your fault when you play both sides against the middle. Sweetie, you really need to take a good hard look at the mess you have compiled, using other people as your pawns and now crying because your mate is *checking* out. YOU MUST DECIDE NOW! Your marraige? Or your MM who likes things just the way they are.....no commitment, no strings, just a little fun when it's convenient for him.

Go to your husband and tell him everything. Once he has all of the facts, this poor man will have the information necessary to make a decision that that can SNAP both of you out of "pretend land." It could get ugly, but then again, it could be the beginning of an honest relationship; one that doesn't exist for ANY of you right now, including MM.

Just my opinion, and I wish you luck.

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 9:27pm
Hi,

It sounds as though you are very afraid to be alone. I wonder if your fear of being alone equals the absence of a man. Being alone and not having a man in your life are two very different issues. If both men left you tomorrow, would you really be alone? Do you have family, friends, co-workers, etc. who help add to your life? What I hear loud and clear in your post is that you have a good job and make a good living for yourself. You must have worked hard for this. I also hear that you are at willing to start taking steps to emotionally take care of yourself by entering therapy. It seems as though you are much more able to stand on your own than you give yourself credit for. I see a lot of strengths from what you wrote but I also see a very scared woman who is frantically trying to cover her bases just in case one of her world's falls apart. You might want to consider putting all of your efforts into one world, whether that is with your husband, the OM (cringe), OR making a world for yourself where you are in charge of your future. Otherwise, your husband is going to continue to be depressed because he has really good reason to be, the OM is going to wonder why in the world you are making demands of him, and worst of all, you continue to create emotional limbo for yourself and everyone around you. Maybe it is time to consider standing on your own and building on your existing personal strengths. The answers are never found in any man.