I've made a mess of my life
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|Mon, 05-19-2003 - 7:24pm|
For my second marriage I made sure I chose someone the opposite-which I certainly did. My husband loved me and would do anything for me but was not able to share emotion, compassion, etc. We were married 25 years total. For 20 of those years, we were inseparable. But,after relocating to Virginia with my job six years ago, he started traveling more with his job. I complained and cried and he stated after Y2K (he's a computer consultant), he would be home more. Unfortunately, after Y2K, he was promoted and gone all 5 weekdays every week. When home on weekends, he was catching up or completing his expense account or mowing the grass, etc. We saw each other only about 3 hours a week altogether--and mind you, none of these 3 hours were spent sharing thoughts, emotion, compassion or anything like that. I was so very, very lonely and he knew it.
In addition to my loneliness, I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a very painful condition of the muscles. So, I didn't go out with my friends because I never felt well. I look back and now see that I was a mere blob, not growing, learning, nothing.
To help with the pain, I went to a massage therapist. He was attractive and was also married. He had been married 18 years. I knew on the table that I was attracted to him but never said anything. However, one day I made an involuntary sigh (like one would with sex, I guess). Instead of his asking if I was ok or just ignoring it, he stopped what he was doing and said that he felt the same way. Well, it started.
He was nothing like my husband because he made excuses about all kinds of things all the time. A red flag went up but I was so in love I didn't pay a great deal of attention to it. I thought we had both come from long-term marriages, were lonely and had found our soul mates. We broke up a couple of times and got back together. We had both been christians and were both worried about our lives with God. Eventually, my husband found out and left me. He would have taken me back when he first found out; and this guy knew I still loved my husband and I cried and cried about hurting him. He watched me cry and did not even suggest I go back to my husband. He said he was leaving his wife but never did. I thought he was following God's laws and going back to his wife and was trying to make the best of it. Well NO! He was/is having an affair with another woman (that he has also assisted in breaking up their marriage). I haven't been with him for quite a while and was fine with it. My husband refused to take me back after I begged him later on. But when I found out last Sunday that this guy has been having this other affair--not only having it now--but even during the time we were together, my entire life feels as though it is over. He KNEW he was with this other woman when he watched me cry my heart out for my husband, but just egged me on to refuse to take him back at that time. He hasn't just hurt me. It's something much, much deeper. I feel that I gave up my entire life for him and he was cheating on me and his wife both at the same time when I gave it up! I feel like dirt. I cannot believe that I was sucked in to such a position. He took my heart, my soul, my life and stompted on them, apparently just for the fun of it! I cannot funtion on a daily basis. I have a high-level position and am fighting back the tears each day when I'm attending meetings, speaking with employees, etc. I feel as though I can't go on. I always used to tell my husband that he took me for granted and didn't think any other man would find me attractive. Now I see he was right all along!! How can I scape up a little bit of self respect from what's left of this mess I call my life and go on?
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