I've made a mess of my life

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
I've made a mess of my life
8
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 7:24pm
I have always taken the straight and narrow road. Others hurt me. I never hurt others. My first marriage lasted 7 years. During that time, my husband cheated on me more than once.

For my second marriage I made sure I chose someone the opposite-which I certainly did. My husband loved me and would do anything for me but was not able to share emotion, compassion, etc. We were married 25 years total. For 20 of those years, we were inseparable. But,after relocating to Virginia with my job six years ago, he started traveling more with his job. I complained and cried and he stated after Y2K (he's a computer consultant), he would be home more. Unfortunately, after Y2K, he was promoted and gone all 5 weekdays every week. When home on weekends, he was catching up or completing his expense account or mowing the grass, etc. We saw each other only about 3 hours a week altogether--and mind you, none of these 3 hours were spent sharing thoughts, emotion, compassion or anything like that. I was so very, very lonely and he knew it.

In addition to my loneliness, I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a very painful condition of the muscles. So, I didn't go out with my friends because I never felt well. I look back and now see that I was a mere blob, not growing, learning, nothing.

To help with the pain, I went to a massage therapist. He was attractive and was also married. He had been married 18 years. I knew on the table that I was attracted to him but never said anything. However, one day I made an involuntary sigh (like one would with sex, I guess). Instead of his asking if I was ok or just ignoring it, he stopped what he was doing and said that he felt the same way. Well, it started.

He was nothing like my husband because he made excuses about all kinds of things all the time. A red flag went up but I was so in love I didn't pay a great deal of attention to it. I thought we had both come from long-term marriages, were lonely and had found our soul mates. We broke up a couple of times and got back together. We had both been christians and were both worried about our lives with God. Eventually, my husband found out and left me. He would have taken me back when he first found out; and this guy knew I still loved my husband and I cried and cried about hurting him. He watched me cry and did not even suggest I go back to my husband. He said he was leaving his wife but never did. I thought he was following God's laws and going back to his wife and was trying to make the best of it. Well NO! He was/is having an affair with another woman (that he has also assisted in breaking up their marriage). I haven't been with him for quite a while and was fine with it. My husband refused to take me back after I begged him later on. But when I found out last Sunday that this guy has been having this other affair--not only having it now--but even during the time we were together, my entire life feels as though it is over. He KNEW he was with this other woman when he watched me cry my heart out for my husband, but just egged me on to refuse to take him back at that time. He hasn't just hurt me. It's something much, much deeper. I feel that I gave up my entire life for him and he was cheating on me and his wife both at the same time when I gave it up! I feel like dirt. I cannot believe that I was sucked in to such a position. He took my heart, my soul, my life and stompted on them, apparently just for the fun of it! I cannot funtion on a daily basis. I have a high-level position and am fighting back the tears each day when I'm attending meetings, speaking with employees, etc. I feel as though I can't go on. I always used to tell my husband that he took me for granted and didn't think any other man would find me attractive. Now I see he was right all along!! How can I scape up a little bit of self respect from what's left of this mess I call my life and go on?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 10:29pm
Your post shows plainly how deeply you're hurt. As many of us on this board can, I understand how deeply you feel wounded. Please know that you are not alone... we have all been there or are there even still. (((HUGS)))

I imagine the devastation around you feels debilitating at times, and reaching out in any way you can is a positive first step. Proactively seeking support is a good thing to do when it feels hopeless. Have you considered therapy of some kind? (whether it be a psychologist, counselor, pastor, etc.)? Therapy is a safe place to unload your emotions , and can help you to sort out a lot of those feelings and put them to action. Many of us on this board get consistent counseling of some kind, and have found it to be indispensable in helping us to begin to heal.

You mentioned that your relationship with God was a reason you and OM broke up before? How is your relationship with God today? If you haven't already done so, praying for God's forgiveness, with a sincere heart, might be a good place to start. God loves you so deeply, and He WILL forgive you... all you need to do is ask Him. Once you are right with God, you could try setting aside 15 minutes or so and just pray. Tell Him what is on your heart, tell Him where you're hurting and why, ask God to show you what His will for your life is. I'm sorry to hear about your H refusing to come back, but maybe starting over with yourself is the best thing right now, painful as it can be. It may feel as though the whole world has forsaken you. Through any consequences you face, I hope you know that God will never forsake you. He is with you, even now. You don't have to take on this pain alone. If you are willing, you can give it to Him, and let Him heal you.



I can relate to the anger you feel towards the XOM's actions. My XOM/MM also had been involved in affairs before having an A with me, and like you, it did not all come to light until after the A had taken place. I also have recently discovered XMM is at it again, this time with someone new. It caused me to feel a burning anger and a deep humiliation that I was so blinded by him. There were "red flags", as you said, and I ignored them. Fact was, I wanted to love him not for who he was, but who I fantasized him to be. Idealizing the OM that way is seen here quite often, and only proves that in an A, we are not living in reality. Now that you are "back to reality", you can take your blinders off and see this man for who he really is.

Keep posting here; many others here are so caring, and are willing to help when ever needed. :) Let me know if I can help you in any way... you can e-mail, too, if you would prefer.(((MORE HUGS)))

~Mel


Edited 5/19/2003 10:34:35 PM ET by melyn610

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 3:06am
I am not much of a problem solver since I can't even begin to solve my own problems. However, what I don't understand is if this XMM of yours is a church goer and believes in God, he says, how can he be cheating on his W , how can he carry on an EMA with different woman all the time and how dare he break up your marriage when he knew darn well that he was just playing aroung with you and didn't want a serious relationship??? I think he is a fake from the word :go. Back to your H. If you really sit down and think about it you were unhappy in your marriage, he was never around anyways, and that is why you found happyness elsewhere ,even if it was short lived. Clearly with the wrong guy. So I blame your A on your husband. He left you alone too much. You were lonely. I agree with the other poster, worry about yourself right now. If your H loves you , he will be back. And if he won't ... oh well... In the mean time talk to your pastor or a counsel. Like my shrink told me: Leave them both.

Meaning neither of them are good for me. Hugs to you Blue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 8:51pm
Thanks to you both. I do have a psychologist but, unfortunately, he cannot take the pain away. Your words mean everything to me. About this XMM...you are so right about his christianity. However, I say the same about myself now. He said it did worry him, what he was doing with me; but this was the first time he had really found love! I feel so sorry for this new person. I don't know what he has said to her about me if anything. Of course, she would think it was sour grapes if I tried to save her. She is coming out of a physically abusive marriage. I told him and "yeah, now she's in a psychologically abusive relationship with YOU!!"

This issue has now come to play in the workplace. Someone told our CEO. He is a christian and is after my job if he can prove it is true, being such a sin and all. You cannot imagine the things I've gone through because of this sin. I'm paying and paying in so many ways, and it looks as though it isn't over yet. Before all of these other things started happening, I had been paralyzed by the guilt and shame of what I had done when I came back to "reality." You are so right, reality is the word. I look back now and ask myself who was that person who did all of those things with this MM. It wasn't me, was it???

To make matters worse, massage therapists have an oath to never PREY on their patients. I was so very vulnerable with pain and with loneliness and he went in for the kill...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 12:45am
Toohurt! You are very welcome. Anytime if you want to talk I am here for you. Listen! Forget about guilt and shame and all that. You weren't looking for an EMA, it just happened. You were lonely and vulnarable. Sh** happens. We are all humans. So big deal.... you made a mistake. I am sure this wasn't your first mistake in your life... and won't be the last either. So, you learn from it. Just look ahead and don't look back. Worry about YOURself for now and keep your head up at work and act like nothing happened. Surly you don't want to loose your job too, over this are you??? With time everything will fade and will be old news. People will talk about someone else. Get plenty of rest , read a book, do anything to keep your mind off from both of them. We are all here for you. So ,what is going on with your H?????? Have you heard from him?????? hugs to you Blue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 8:42am
I am so sorry for your pain!!! You were right when you said that this post would bring me back to reality!! I hope with all my heart that you find happiness soon!! My thoughts are with you!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 12:14pm
Toohurt. . .

I wonder what you are doing about your fibromyalgia now. This stress must be exacerbating your condition. Did you find another MT??? (preferably a female:)

Having a progressive form of FM myself makes me really feel for you. My xh left me in '94 because he couldn't handle my failing condition. Do you feel your FM played a role in your husband being gone so much? No wonder you were drawn to another's arms for comfort, caring and support!!!

Hang in there Sweetie. Your FM could flare up to a progressive form as mine has. :(

(((hugs)))

Carol

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 12:23pm
Sometimes the consequences of an A are far more painful than we dreamed possible. Even in my own aftermath, there are other shoes yet to drop. The consequences are hurtful, yet they also can bring about situations in your life you may not be strong enough to do for yourself. Take your H for example. You weren't happy in your M, and things weren't improving. Now you can improve your own life... YOU get to make all the choices.

How has this gotten into the workplace? Does he work where you do? If not, then think about who you may have told about this that could be spreading it. (Confront whoever it may be, to stop immediately!) It's already out, but more damage can be done, especially now that this CEO knows. I worry about this CEO, and not only for your job. Is there a way that you can privately speak with him? If so, explain the situation at your discretion... that you have heard that there may be some concern regarding your job, and that your personal life cannot interfere with your professional life. You do not owe him any explainations, only the expectation that the rumor mill will not ruin your career. As a CEO, he should have enough experience with rumors to know that they are often untrue, and give him no reason to think otherwise. You are not trying to hide it from him... it's simply none of his business! By the way, this CEO being Christian should be a reason for him to merciful to you, not judgmental. Would Christ turn you away and give you a pink slip? Christ did not come to condemn us, and through judgement tell us what sinners we are! "For God did not send His Son to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved." (John3:17) This CEO can think he's the righteous judge all he wants... now you know better! (((HUGS)))

~Mel

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 4:03pm
I will give you an answer to your question. How to change??? You change your outlook, that's how. You decide you are going to be the fighter you know you are! Obviously with a high profile position, you got there somehow! So you take that same strength you've used with your business life and you apply it to your personal life.

I have one thing to say about your OMM being a Christian. Saying someone is a christian and living like one are two totally different things. There are a lot of devils out in this world who wear sheep's clothing. But that is between him and God. And as for your CEO, I back up what Mel said completely. You need to get YOURSELF together because if you are allowing this emotional pain to get in the way of you performing your job, then there is a new reason to let you go. It's high time to get mad at those who it is appropriate to be mad at and direct yourself accordingly. It is time to stop buying into what anyone else says about you and realize that gossip is just as bad of a sin as sleeping with someone else's H. Sin is sin and it's all the same in God's eyes. If your H ever said that no man would want you, I would venture to guess that it was said by him in anger towards you...besides, what does that say about him? So you see, people do and say things all the time that they don't mean when they are mad or avoiding an issue that needs to be faced. I have always said the hardest thing for anyone to do is to look in the mirror, realize change needs to take place and do what it takes to see that change for the better does happen.

Which brings me back to my original statement...YOU need to change YOUR outlook on YOUR life. Okay, granted you've gone through these bad experiences in your life, but what about faith??? And that everything we go through happens for a reason. You don't have any idea of what life may be like for you in five years from now. So is the answer to just give up because you've had these bad experiences with men? OR Make a decision that you're not going to put up with all this crap and do something positive to help yourself for the better??? We all deserve to be loved by the right person and you simply made a couple of bad choices. Well, join the crowd. I did too! So you're in good company and certainly not the first person this has happened to.

Hang in there and love yourself. God loves you so you owe it to yourself to love yourself too! The heck with ANY man. Make up your mind that you are going to spend time working on you so that when the right one does come along, you'll know and love yourself so much that you won't miss it when he shows up! This has all happened in your life for a reason and I just gave it to you.

Hugs,

GT