Thanks for asking! They still hurt. I bought bigger running shoes over the weekend but I haven't run yet since Thursday night. I had a pretty lousy weekend. How about you?
I'm really confused about different things. Ugh. I ended up agreeing to see exMM for coffee on Saturday because he agreed to finally come clean about things. I have been in a terrible state just wanting to know the truth so I agreed. He did come clean. He admitted that he didn't have a court date scheduled for that June 3rd, that he had lied. He said it was only a lawyers appt for all 4 of them to meet and he hoped that he would have been able to set the date quickly and I wouldn't notice. Duh. I always notice the slightest inconsistency. Unfortunately he got sick and missed that appt and got caught in his lie. He also told me the truth about where he went in May when he disappeared for a week and a half. He told me he was travelling for work but I knew he was lying because his phone was off the whole time. He went out of the country with one of his children for a school reason (don't want to put too many personal details on the internet). I can tell when he is telling the truth because he falls all over himself trying to give me proof. When he was lying he gets angry and defensive. He said he wanted to come clean because he is still planning on getting divorced very soon and knew he couldn't have any hope of a relationship with me with these lies in the way. It was a relief for me to know the truth to be honest. Sometimes you just need them to admit it? He's knows I am dating and hopes we can work it out after he is divorced. I am confused.
Even more confusing, for the past 2 months almost, I've been seeing my exH again about once a week for a date. And I guess I've been trying to convince myself I felt more than I do. I was doing pretty well as convincing myself until I saw MM again and though I am not back with him, when I saw exH last night for dinner, I felt really depressed because I just don't feel a romantic connection with him. Sad to say, I didn't while we were married. He is the type of guy who looks really good on paper. He is totally looking to get back together, is loyal and faithful but there is just no spark. I've gotten it to the point where we are friends now and I can enjoy his company but I just don't feel any attraction. Soemtimes when he was acting really nice, I could feel a little but it takes very little for me to be turned off. This is not a new problem and was there back when I got engaged to him. We have dated and broken up several times. I just keep going back because he is always there. Our marriage technically ended because of MM but really it was because of exH anger and abuse problem. He has gottne that under control with therapy but I can't get the intimacy back. To be honest, sometimes I am repulsed by him. Just to give you an example, I went to the ladies room and when I came back the appetizer had arrived and he had already eaten a quarter of it. He has put on a lot of weight and if I loved him, it wouldn't matter (MM ballooned up and down and I didnt care) but I was repulsed to watch his shoving giant forkfuls of food down so quickly off his food and then mine. Of course I feel horrible saying that. Its just so depressing. If I didn't see MM Saturday, I could have kept convincing myself but now its like I can't get back to where I was before. I have tried to meet new people but can't seem to meet anyone. I feel really confused. My life is passing me by. I'm almost 33 and ping ponging back and forth between a married guy and my exhusband. Pathetic.
So I don't know what to do at all now. Obviously, I told exMM that we can't have anyting till he is divorced and he agrees. He does want to show me that secret apartment this weekend to show me he was not lying about being separated. But so what do I do while I am waiting to see if he gets divorced? I know I must sound like such a loser - jerry springer material. Do I continue to date? Now its messy cause my ex thinks we are getting back together although I was honest and told him I don't want to rush. The truth is I just really love exMM. So what do I do? OK, yes he respects me and is not lookinng for anything from me. But he's in my heart. Do I just say, too late, you lied, and move on? I can't even tell anyone this anymore, its so embarrassing and pathetic. How do I move on and date new people with that door still open?
I am sorry your toes are still hurting. I still admire you though for training for the marathon. I know how you feel. God, I am so confused about EVERYTHING. It is not just one part of my life, it is my whole life! Are you going to see his apartment? I don't know when we draw the line and say, "No more, you lied I am gone." I think it is a good sign that he came clean to you. I am sure if was hard for him. I can't even try and figure out if it is really love with me. I am like you, he is in my heart and I can't figure out how to get him out. My weekend was good, I guess. I went to the beach with H and kids and I can totally relate to the whole getting repulsed by your xH. I had a moment this weekend where I was and I had to catch myself quickly because whatever I am feeling is all over my face and usually out of my mouth. I can't hide my feelings very well. I just kept telling myself that he loves me, he is willing to be with me, he makes me the most important thing, unlike MM. I was sitting on the beach this weekend watching the big boats go by in the distance and thought to myself, "that would be mm and I. Every weekend we would be on his boat somewhere enjoying life." It made me sad in a way. I have to confess, I caved this morning. MM called me. The first words out of his mouth were, "Good morning" I tried to hang up but I couldn't. It took me so long to say anything that he said, "Hello?" I spoke to him briefly, he apologized for not calling Friday, he said he didn't get my vmail until this morning, which is believable for him. He told me that he was thinking a lot about me this weekend.....He said that he took his boat out (he hasn't in awhile because of his w) and he said, "I was sitting there thinking, this would be me and you if we were together. We would be on the boat every weekend just hanging out with each other, How cool would that be?" I almost fell out of my chair. There was no way he could have known I was at the beach thinking the same thing. To add confusion to the mess, I have my first counseling session tonight, and I am nervous. I don't know if I tell her the truth or only what my H knows....I want to go into her and say, "Tell me how to know the truth, tell me if mm really loves me, tell me who to be with." But I have a degree in psych so I know she is not going to give me those answers. I don't know how to find out those answers...I know what you mean about your exH, I mean, do I leave a good thing in hopes of a great thing working out or do I settle with the good thing? Life should not be this complicated......
Yea, only a psychic could give you those answers, not a therapist. The older I get, I think its impossible to have that inlove feeling with someone you are married to. I think what makes it so exciting and romantic is that you don't actually have them. But I do understand what its like to be in love with someone and even though you can write a book of reasons why you shouldn't, you still do anyway! In my experience, there is only one way to get over a man and that is to fall for someone else. Unfortunately, you can't fall in love with your exhusband or husband and get over MM, I don't care what anyone says. So what do you do? I don't know. I am actually divorced so in theory I could meet someone new but the pickins aren't great out there and the chance of me getting that inlove feeling from a stranger I met on Match is slim.
I guess for you, since your MM is still living at home it kind of tells you where he is with his marriage? But I should warn you, becareful what you wish you. I put the squeeze on MM and promised I would be there for him and then when he all of a sudden moved out and into my city, I freaked out and totally fencesat. I set the pattern for us to go back and forth. You really should decide on your own what you want for your own marriage. I know you have kids and although I don't, I hear from exMM all the time how difficult it makes it. He said they are having a lot of problems with the kids becuase of the divorce. I don't know too many details. My friends think I am out of mind to want to get involved with a man with two little kids. I will admit that sometimes exH looks like such a easier road for me. Together exH and I would have a nice life, we could have our own kids and I wouldn't have to deal with an angry exwife and the money problems of paying child support. Sadly though, I don't care. I am really confused. I don't know the point of no return. I know that he's lied to me and I've lied to him as well. We both have a checkered past.
I don't know what to do about my exH. He even knows that I am not in love with him and he doesn't care. He doesn't think its necessary for a marriage. Even more confusing, after the fake court date passed, I did sleep with my exH a few times and on Saturdya exMM asked and I told him the truth. He wants me to stop and truthfully, its not that big of a sacrifice but doesn't that mean I am back to sitting around waiting? exMM feels that if he shows me his apartment and is getting divorced and we are to be together, its not right for me to be sleeping with someone else. He is okay with me dating. I don't like him having any control over me in my personal life but if I sleep with someone else, I am sabotaging things and creating more future drama. Does this make sense? Since I am not seeing exMM, that means I am sitting around saving myself. What a mess! I probably should just stop seeing my exH - aka security blanket - and go online and meet new people. But I am scared I guess. Scared to let go of my exH. Scared I will be alone forever. Ugh.
I think whether or not MM takes me to see his apartment will be a big sign so yea, to speed up the discovery of whether or not he is full of BS, I will go with him. I figure, if he backs out, thats my sign. I jsut want to know one way or the other.
Sometimes I think about just up and leaving this state and leaving the both of them. I am not from here. My exH and myself moved here 3 yrs ago this fall for his job. There is nothing keeping me here but a few friends I have made and my job.
<<< don't know what to do about my exH. He even knows that I am not in love with him and he doesn't care.>>> I told my h before we got married and several times since then that I did not love him as much as he loved me. He always says that it doesn't matter because he loves enough for both of us. But that is not fair. It is not fair to him or to me. I just can't get him to see it that way. At this point in time, if mm left his w, I would be there in a heart beat. I have always done the "right" thing in life and kept control of my emotions, feeling, and actions but with him it is different. I would risk the disapproval from my family, although it would hurt me, I would do it. When do you say enough? When do I tell mm that because he didn't leave first and since he is still at home, then I am done. I am still at home as well.
Me spending the night at his house about a month ago is what started the whole letter that was sent to his w's work. I asked him how his home life was and he said that he is "numb, like that song, comfortably numb." I said, "I bet you wish we didn't go back to your house that night." He immediately said, "I wouldn't trade that night for anything...Well, I would trade it for one thing." I asked him what the one thing was. He said, "A more perfect night with you, waking up with you was amazing." I know that sounds corny but it is not like him at all to be charming just for the heck of it. He is not that type of guy. He says what he means whether you like it or not. So part of me believes him when he says that. I don't know.
It would be so much easier to stay with my h and have a great life and raise the 2 great kids we have and live in suburbia for the rest of our lives.....I was happy with that before I met mm. I didn't know what all consuming, passionate love was. I didn't know what it felt like to be truly happy even if it was for a few stolen moments. My kids are well-adjusted and well-rounded and I could be risking all that. Of course, I also want them to know what a happy marriage is all about. Not a marriage of convienence and avoidance. I know what you mean about taking the easy way out. I wish I could cut out my heart and stop it from beating because then I could go back to my "perfect life."
Even though it breaks the NC rule, I think you should go and see his apartment. Like you said it is a big step for him if he goes through with it. Don't break down and have sex though. I am telling you, for some guys that is how you get through to them. I would give him one chance though and if he backs out for any reason other than his own death (ask for a corner's report, we don't accept near death as a viable excuse!) then I would let him know that was it, you were done. If I were you, I would start dating if I came across someone that suited my fancy. I wouldn't worry about not sleeping with someone just because of mm, but I also wouldn't go out and sleep with everyone (I doubt you would either). If you find someone that you have dated for awhile and you have made a connection that you want to take further, then forget your mm. I would take it slow though and realize your judgement may be a little off with mm still in your heart.
I have also thought about moving back home, except I love where I moved. And I don't think I could move my kids away from their dad. He is a good dad. It would make things a lot easier though, to just move away and not let mm even know where I was. He has told me before that he sometimes worries that I will leave and not look back.
Since the whole reason he didn't want me near his apartment was his strict Italian parents finding out about me, I doubt he'd want me to meet them in his bed, lol. So I am actually not worried about that. if he goes thru with it it will be a huge sign. You know what funny? In some demented way, I am terrified of taking the relationship to the next level. I am terrified of seeing his apartment. I don't know why. In some weird way, I've gotten cmfortble at this dysfunctional level. I guess I have my own commitment fears.
I said the same thing as you about him leaving - I swore I'd leave too. A funny thing happens to you when the possibility becomes a reality. And I don't have kids. So just be careful. I did leave but only because MM exposed himself (no, haha not like that, dirty mind) and our relationship to H and I felt like I had to leave.
But it seems like it wouldn't be a bad thing for me to just be casual with exH and maybe even date other guys and this way keep my options open. Its not easy. exH is the type of guy who moves in quickly. he makes plans and invites me weeks in advance and I often feel trapped with no way out. For example, he is going away next weekend and asked me to come along a few weeks ago and I said maybe. The next thing I knew, he was booking tickets to a show for the night. Now I am freaking out because I never said yes, but I never said no and he bought these theatre tickets. I guess its my fault for being vague. I can't go because it woudl 1) send a bad message to exMM that I am seriously getting back with exH and it woudl send 2) the same message to exH. So now I have to say I can't go and it will be a whole scene.
I often find myself in this trap and I am not sure what happened.
With regards to exH and the show, stand up for yourself. Let him know that when you guys discussed it previously that you said, "Maybe" since it wasn't discussed again how did he go from maybe to yes? I can see how it could be a big scene but that is the nice thing about not being married! You don't have to stay there anymore. Tell him either over the phone or in a public place that way if it starts getting heated you can leave. After awhile he will stop taking for granted that you are always there and up for going to a show (unless it's a good one).
About MM, so he told your H about your a? That was pretty irresponsible because considering he hasn't disolved his m.
It is a good show actually. But we'd have to spend the night in a hotel and I am not sure if I am ready for that, regardless of the situation with MM.
Yes, oh it was baddd. I had actually told my H that I had had an A but he didn't know who it was. I did something wrong. MM had separated and I was fence sitting. My friend in another city was getting married and I was plannign on going with my H and MM was very upset that I was taking my H. So I lied to him and said I was going alone. I was going to go alone but then under pressure from my MIL and guilt and anger at MM (how dare he tell me what to do) I lied and took my H. We actually had a terrible time and on the way home, I knew I had to separate. Unfortunaltey, MM suspected I lied and was extrememly upset and was waiting near our apt. He drove around our car and I was so upset at being found out that I got hysterical in the car and told H everything. A few days later I moved out but the damage was done to MM and my relationship. At that point, he was so hurt and angry at my lie and the fact that I went out of town for the weekend with H. So even though I did separate, the month I fence sat did tremendous damage and I got repaid for it the next two years.
But yea, it was irresponsible. I never let his W know this whole time. Of course, its so dumb becasue I met her 2.5 yrs ago. He just should have been honest with her a long time ago. At this point, I dont have much hope for any of it.
hmm Ivy...be careful as you have a history of nostalgic love interests (exh..xMM). You want what is comfortable more than what is right maybe?
Outsider observation...you may or may not want to read what I think so go ahead and pass me by if you wish...or not ..here goes:
You were warned about seeing xH...this is a big mistake for all of the others contemplating this! There is a reason you are X! Of course he thinks you want to get together...who wouldn't. nip this in the bud as soon as possible whether you end up with xMM or not. Its not fair to people to do this. Its nearly what xMM's do when they call back up and say "hey...wanna meet for lunch..just as friends?" sends a very hopeful message to those who are still in love. Its very selfish to do this just because you feel lonely and old at 33 . Its only been a few months. We dont live in a party party lifestyle like we did as older teens and young twenties. Yes it may take longer to find someone HEALTHY and AVAILABLE...so what...sometimes it happens on a dime too. When people say that..it makes me think "well we found Married Men pretty easily and didn't whine about how long it took". i hope you get my point.
You accept him lying to you for the last two years on and off just because he came clean now? Ouch. Are you forgetting that he is capable of lying ALOT to you and about stupid stuff? (why did he lie about going away to work as oppose to going away with his child? what wouldve been so bad about telling you that?) Why is he so hell bent on lying about getting divorced instead of being secure with the decisions he has made ...what..because he is afraid of losing you? Are you Perfect Woman and he'll never meet another woman or is he just that controlling.
Ivy i know you have feelings for this man...say in an instance he was divorced, then what excuse will he have for acting so strange and what excuse will you have for accepting it as normal. This guy aint normal...but you are allowed to love who you want. Just understand....if you take him back into your life....if it unravels or is harmful....you have to take responsibility for the knowledge you have. Protect yourself at least. Now that Ive come to these boards and have had my eyes open to my naivete.....I can no longer enter into these effed up relationships no matter how exciting etc...because now its totally my responsibility as I know better. I don't want anything that "exciting" again. .....ever. I am too good hearted of a person and I have too much of a concious and I am too suspicious now...to trust or think sincerity is any part of these things...let alone the impact on innocent individuals. I am done and I knew it practically before I got into it too much. I am not made to deal with it...tis not me. Good Luck to you Ivy...I hope all your pain and confusion is worth the happiness he gives you. Lizzie
Yes....the situation with my exH is probably not the best. I am doing a lot of thinking about it. So far, its not too carried away but I do have to put the brakes on it some.
I did decide not to see MM's apt after all. He says he is going ahead with the divorce and is going to fax me documentation along the way. I decided to stay out of the whole thing 100%. I told him its best for me and for him to just not be in contact right now. When he has a court date scheduled, he can fax me the proof. I won't have any kind of friendship whatsoever with him till he is single. Its just better this way. I think I will just spend some time by myself and with friends. I'm a little tired of men. I don't know if I really trust him enough to try if he gets single but I'll wait to make that decision if (big if) he actually does get divorced.
What changed your mind about seeing the apartment? I am proud of you tho! Make him realize that you are serious and you are going to stick to your guns! Maybe after some time away from him you will realize that he is not what you are looking for anyways....or maybe not. Either way, you have done the right thing. Do not let him offer you a few crumbs and think he is going to get all of you for those crumbs. He gets you, when you can have all of him. I know you told him you couldn't have any more contact with him, so how many emails has he sent you since then? Your mm and mine are the same, we say, "don't call" and they don't get that we really mean DON'T CALL!!
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Hi AS,
Thanks for asking! They still hurt. I bought bigger running shoes over the weekend but I haven't run yet since Thursday night. I had a pretty lousy weekend. How about you?
I'm really confused about different things. Ugh. I ended up agreeing to see exMM for coffee on Saturday because he agreed to finally come clean about things. I have been in a terrible state just wanting to know the truth so I agreed. He did come clean. He admitted that he didn't have a court date scheduled for that June 3rd, that he had lied. He said it was only a lawyers appt for all 4 of them to meet and he hoped that he would have been able to set the date quickly and I wouldn't notice. Duh. I always notice the slightest inconsistency. Unfortunately he got sick and missed that appt and got caught in his lie. He also told me the truth about where he went in May when he disappeared for a week and a half. He told me he was travelling for work but I knew he was lying because his phone was off the whole time. He went out of the country with one of his children for a school reason (don't want to put too many personal details on the internet). I can tell when he is telling the truth because he falls all over himself trying to give me proof. When he was lying he gets angry and defensive. He said he wanted to come clean because he is still planning on getting divorced very soon and knew he couldn't have any hope of a relationship with me with these lies in the way. It was a relief for me to know the truth to be honest. Sometimes you just need them to admit it? He's knows I am dating and hopes we can work it out after he is divorced. I am confused.
Even more confusing, for the past 2 months almost, I've been seeing my exH again about once a week for a date. And I guess I've been trying to convince myself I felt more than I do. I was doing pretty well as convincing myself until I saw MM again and though I am not back with him, when I saw exH last night for dinner, I felt really depressed because I just don't feel a romantic connection with him. Sad to say, I didn't while we were married. He is the type of guy who looks really good on paper. He is totally looking to get back together, is loyal and faithful but there is just no spark. I've gotten it to the point where we are friends now and I can enjoy his company but I just don't feel any attraction. Soemtimes when he was acting really nice, I could feel a little but it takes very little for me to be turned off. This is not a new problem and was there back when I got engaged to him. We have dated and broken up several times. I just keep going back because he is always there. Our marriage technically ended because of MM but really it was because of exH anger and abuse problem. He has gottne that under control with therapy but I can't get the intimacy back. To be honest, sometimes I am repulsed by him. Just to give you an example, I went to the ladies room and when I came back the appetizer had arrived and he had already eaten a quarter of it. He has put on a lot of weight and if I loved him, it wouldn't matter (MM ballooned up and down and I didnt care) but I was repulsed to watch his shoving giant forkfuls of food down so quickly off his food and then mine. Of course I feel horrible saying that. Its just so depressing. If I didn't see MM Saturday, I could have kept convincing myself but now its like I can't get back to where I was before. I have tried to meet new people but can't seem to meet anyone. I feel really confused. My life is passing me by. I'm almost 33 and ping ponging back and forth between a married guy and my exhusband. Pathetic.
So I don't know what to do at all now. Obviously, I told exMM that we can't have anyting till he is divorced and he agrees. He does want to show me that secret apartment this weekend to show me he was not lying about being separated. But so what do I do while I am waiting to see if he gets divorced? I know I must sound like such a loser - jerry springer material. Do I continue to date? Now its messy cause my ex thinks we are getting back together although I was honest and told him I don't want to rush. The truth is I just really love exMM. So what do I do? OK, yes he respects me and is not lookinng for anything from me. But he's in my heart. Do I just say, too late, you lied, and move on? I can't even tell anyone this anymore, its so embarrassing and pathetic. How do I move on and date new people with that door still open?
Ugh.
Ivy
Yea, only a psychic could give you those answers, not a therapist. The older I get, I think its impossible to have that inlove feeling with someone you are married to. I think what makes it so exciting and romantic is that you don't actually have them. But I do understand what its like to be in love with someone and even though you can write a book of reasons why you shouldn't, you still do anyway! In my experience, there is only one way to get over a man and that is to fall for someone else. Unfortunately, you can't fall in love with your exhusband or husband and get over MM, I don't care what anyone says. So what do you do? I don't know. I am actually divorced so in theory I could meet someone new but the pickins aren't great out there and the chance of me getting that inlove feeling from a stranger I met on Match is slim.
I guess for you, since your MM is still living at home it kind of tells you where he is with his marriage? But I should warn you, becareful what you wish you. I put the squeeze on MM and promised I would be there for him and then when he all of a sudden moved out and into my city, I freaked out and totally fencesat. I set the pattern for us to go back and forth. You really should decide on your own what you want for your own marriage. I know you have kids and although I don't, I hear from exMM all the time how difficult it makes it. He said they are having a lot of problems with the kids becuase of the divorce. I don't know too many details. My friends think I am out of mind to want to get involved with a man with two little kids. I will admit that sometimes exH looks like such a easier road for me. Together exH and I would have a nice life, we could have our own kids and I wouldn't have to deal with an angry exwife and the money problems of paying child support. Sadly though, I don't care. I am really confused. I don't know the point of no return. I know that he's lied to me and I've lied to him as well. We both have a checkered past.
I don't know what to do about my exH. He even knows that I am not in love with him and he doesn't care. He doesn't think its necessary for a marriage. Even more confusing, after the fake court date passed, I did sleep with my exH a few times and on Saturdya exMM asked and I told him the truth. He wants me to stop and truthfully, its not that big of a sacrifice but doesn't that mean I am back to sitting around waiting? exMM feels that if he shows me his apartment and is getting divorced and we are to be together, its not right for me to be sleeping with someone else. He is okay with me dating. I don't like him having any control over me in my personal life but if I sleep with someone else, I am sabotaging things and creating more future drama. Does this make sense? Since I am not seeing exMM, that means I am sitting around saving myself. What a mess! I probably should just stop seeing my exH - aka security blanket - and go online and meet new people. But I am scared I guess. Scared to let go of my exH. Scared I will be alone forever. Ugh.
I think whether or not MM takes me to see his apartment will be a big sign so yea, to speed up the discovery of whether or not he is full of BS, I will go with him. I figure, if he backs out, thats my sign. I jsut want to know one way or the other.
Sometimes I think about just up and leaving this state and leaving the both of them. I am not from here. My exH and myself moved here 3 yrs ago this fall for his job. There is nothing keeping me here but a few friends I have made and my job.
Ivy
<<< don't know what to do about my exH. He even knows that I am not in love with him and he doesn't care.>>>
I told my h before we got married and several times since then that I did not love him as much as he loved me. He always says that it doesn't matter because he loves enough for both of us. But that is not fair. It is not fair to him or to me. I just can't get him to see it that way. At this point in time, if mm left his w, I would be there in a heart beat. I have always done the "right" thing in life and kept control of my emotions, feeling, and actions but with him it is different. I would risk the disapproval from my family, although it would hurt me, I would do it. When do you say enough? When do I tell mm that because he didn't leave first and since he is still at home, then I am done. I am still at home as well.
Me spending the night at his house about a month ago is what started the whole letter that was sent to his w's work. I asked him how his home life was and he said that he is "numb, like that song, comfortably numb." I said, "I bet you wish we didn't go back to your house that night." He immediately said, "I wouldn't trade that night for anything...Well, I would trade it for one thing." I asked him what the one thing was. He said, "A more perfect night with you, waking up with you was amazing." I know that sounds corny but it is not like him at all to be charming just for the heck of it. He is not that type of guy. He says what he means whether you like it or not. So part of me believes him when he says that. I don't know.
It would be so much easier to stay with my h and have a great life and raise the 2 great kids we have and live in suburbia for the rest of our lives.....I was happy with that before I met mm. I didn't know what all consuming, passionate love was. I didn't know what it felt like to be truly happy even if it was for a few stolen moments. My kids are well-adjusted and well-rounded and I could be risking all that. Of course, I also want them to know what a happy marriage is all about. Not a marriage of convienence and avoidance. I know what you mean about taking the easy way out. I wish I could cut out my heart and stop it from beating because then I could go back to my "perfect life."
Even though it breaks the NC rule, I think you should go and see his apartment. Like you said it is a big step for him if he goes through with it. Don't break down and have sex though. I am telling you, for some guys that is how you get through to them. I would give him one chance though and if he backs out for any reason other than his own death (ask for a corner's report, we don't accept near death as a viable excuse!) then I would let him know that was it, you were done. If I were you, I would start dating if I came across someone that suited my fancy. I wouldn't worry about not sleeping with someone just because of mm, but I also wouldn't go out and sleep with everyone (I doubt you would either). If you find someone that you have dated for awhile and you have made a connection that you want to take further, then forget your mm. I would take it slow though and realize your judgement may be a little off with mm still in your heart.
I have also thought about moving back home, except I love where I moved. And I don't think I could move my kids away from their dad. He is a good dad. It would make things a lot easier though, to just move away and not let mm even know where I was. He has told me before that he sometimes worries that I will leave and not look back.
Since the whole reason he didn't want me near his apartment was his strict Italian parents finding out about me, I doubt he'd want me to meet them in his bed, lol. So I am actually not worried about that. if he goes thru with it it will be a huge sign. You know what funny? In some demented way, I am terrified of taking the relationship to the next level. I am terrified of seeing his apartment. I don't know why. In some weird way, I've gotten cmfortble at this dysfunctional level. I guess I have my own commitment fears.
I said the same thing as you about him leaving - I swore I'd leave too. A funny thing happens to you when the possibility becomes a reality. And I don't have kids. So just be careful. I did leave but only because MM exposed himself (no, haha not like that, dirty mind) and our relationship to H and I felt like I had to leave.
But it seems like it wouldn't be a bad thing for me to just be casual with exH and maybe even date other guys and this way keep my options open. Its not easy. exH is the type of guy who moves in quickly. he makes plans and invites me weeks in advance and I often feel trapped with no way out. For example, he is going away next weekend and asked me to come along a few weeks ago and I said maybe. The next thing I knew, he was booking tickets to a show for the night. Now I am freaking out because I never said yes, but I never said no and he bought these theatre tickets. I guess its my fault for being vague. I can't go because it woudl 1) send a bad message to exMM that I am seriously getting back with exH and it woudl send 2) the same message to exH. So now I have to say I can't go and it will be a whole scene.
I often find myself in this trap and I am not sure what happened.
With regards to exH and the show, stand up for yourself. Let him know that when you guys discussed it previously that you said, "Maybe" since it wasn't discussed again how did he go from maybe to yes? I can see how it could be a big scene but that is the nice thing about not being married! You don't have to stay there anymore. Tell him either over the phone or in a public place that way if it starts getting heated you can leave. After awhile he will stop taking for granted that you are always there and up for going to a show (unless it's a good one).
About MM, so he told your H about your a? That was pretty irresponsible because considering he hasn't disolved his m.
It is a good show actually. But we'd have to spend the night in a hotel and I am not sure if I am ready for that, regardless of the situation with MM.
Yes, oh it was baddd. I had actually told my H that I had had an A but he didn't know who it was. I did something wrong. MM had separated and I was fence sitting. My friend in another city was getting married and I was plannign on going with my H and MM was very upset that I was taking my H. So I lied to him and said I was going alone. I was going to go alone but then under pressure from my MIL and guilt and anger at MM (how dare he tell me what to do) I lied and took my H. We actually had a terrible time and on the way home, I knew I had to separate. Unfortunaltey, MM suspected I lied and was extrememly upset and was waiting near our apt. He drove around our car and I was so upset at being found out that I got hysterical in the car and told H everything. A few days later I moved out but the damage was done to MM and my relationship. At that point, he was so hurt and angry at my lie and the fact that I went out of town for the weekend with H. So even though I did separate, the month I fence sat did tremendous damage and I got repaid for it the next two years.
But yea, it was irresponsible. I never let his W know this whole time. Of course, its so dumb becasue I met her 2.5 yrs ago. He just should have been honest with her a long time ago. At this point, I dont have much hope for any of it.
hmm Ivy...be careful as you have a history of nostalgic love interests (exh..xMM). You want what is comfortable more than what is right maybe?
Outsider observation...you may or may not want to read what I think so go ahead and pass me by if you wish...or not ..here goes:
You were warned about seeing xH...this is a big mistake for all of the others contemplating this! There is a reason you are X! Of course he thinks you want to get together...who wouldn't. nip this in the bud as soon as possible whether you end up with xMM or not. Its not fair to people to do this. Its nearly what xMM's do when they call back up and say "hey...wanna meet for lunch..just as friends?" sends a very hopeful message to those who are still in love. Its very selfish to do this just because you feel lonely and old at 33 . Its only been a few months. We dont live in a party party lifestyle like we did as older teens and young twenties. Yes it may take longer to find someone HEALTHY and AVAILABLE...so what...sometimes it happens on a dime too. When people say that..it makes me think "well we found Married Men pretty easily and didn't whine about how long it took". i hope you get my point.
You accept him lying to you for the last two years on and off just because he came clean now?
Ouch. Are you forgetting that he is capable of lying ALOT to you and about stupid stuff? (why did he lie about going away to work as oppose to going away with his child? what wouldve been so bad about telling you that?) Why is he so hell bent on lying about getting divorced instead of being secure with the decisions he has made ...what..because he is afraid of losing you? Are you Perfect Woman and he'll never meet another woman or is he just that controlling.
Ivy i know you have feelings for this man...say in an instance he was divorced, then what excuse will he have for acting so strange and what excuse will you have for accepting it as normal.
This guy aint normal...but you are allowed to love who you want. Just understand....if you take him back into your life....if it unravels or is harmful....you have to take responsibility for the knowledge you have. Protect yourself at least. Now that Ive come to these boards and have had my eyes open to my naivete.....I can no longer enter into these effed up relationships no matter how exciting etc...because now its totally my responsibility as I know better. I don't want anything that "exciting" again. .....ever. I am too good hearted of a person and I have too much of a concious and I am too suspicious now...to trust or think sincerity is any part of these things...let alone the impact on innocent individuals. I am done and I knew it practically before I got into it too much. I am not made to deal with it...tis not me.
Good Luck to you Ivy...I hope all your pain and confusion is worth the happiness he gives you.
Lizzie
Thanks for your words.
Yes....the situation with my exH is probably not the best. I am doing a lot of thinking about it. So far, its not too carried away but I do have to put the brakes on it some.
I did decide not to see MM's apt after all. He says he is going ahead with the divorce and is going to fax me documentation along the way. I decided to stay out of the whole thing 100%. I told him its best for me and for him to just not be in contact right now. When he has a court date scheduled, he can fax me the proof. I won't have any kind of friendship whatsoever with him till he is single. Its just better this way. I think I will just spend some time by myself and with friends. I'm a little tired of men. I don't know if I really trust him enough to try if he gets single but I'll wait to make that decision if (big if) he actually does get divorced.
Ivy
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