Jan 5 and I supposed to see him, i cant.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Jan 5 and I supposed to see him, i cant.
2
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 1:34pm

I am supposed to see him on Tuesday. I havent seen him, but because of the organization we are a part of, Ive talked to him. I did really good for awhile. Then he told me how he has wanted to stop by and I got so weak. We started talking and he told me so many things. Ive thought about posting it because it was so deep. Afterwards, he got really "scared" Of course, I professed my love for him, but also told him that I couldnt be wtih him after this because he gives up too easily. He needs to fight for his marriage, and he cant do that with me. But its so hard for me when he talks to me like that. We didnt make plans to meet or anything, it was just emotional.


Anyway, I saw him the next day(at a meeting) and we really didnt interact. Besides that I accidentally sent an email to a committee member, luckily, it can be explained if need be. But that was so scary. I had my ex boyfriend come over (who is also my neighbor) and pretend that we were dating so questions wouldnt arise as easily if that person suspected anything. It worked. He will also come with me to the meeting on Tuesday because I am so fearful that I wont be able to keep my feelings in one place. I could barely look at him at the meeting.


Well, we havent talked since then and on 12/31 he wrote this to me in text.



12/31 - She told me she's done. I'm devastated. I believe that God corrects his children. He will break me to bring me back to Him. I will loose everything. I do love her. I obvioulsy love her, because this is killing me I am sorry for bringing you into my sin. I am fasting. Her heart has been hardened. Over the past couple of days of praying, this has been revealed to me her sudden change confirms it.


My response: Well best of luck just leave me out of it. Ihave my own things to deal with, and they dont concern you or your marriage .....


No Contact means No New Hurts. Oh. My. God. I am hurting. I was so angry. Why the hell is he telling me how much he loves her. Why? Especially the day after he told me how he understands that I oculd nt be with him if he gave up on her and how he totally understands this and how it makes him sad. Why couldnt he just ahve said, ive decided to try to work it out with her. I understand that.


But to write to me as if I am his best friend and immune to all this is so painful. I did what i had to do and responded the way I did. I didnt act out when I say him. I kept it professional. I felt that if I listened to him I would have been drug down depressed and his sounding board. That is not my place. I wont do it. I cant.


How insensitive for him to tell me that. He is devastated. Did he really need to say all of that to me. And you know what, in the end, she could be a royal bi .. h but he loves her and he is willing to endure her wrath. If he really loved me, wanted me etc... this would be his opporutnity, since she wants to be done. to be done. But he doesnt. He wants that life and his marriage.


What pisses me off and hurts tme the most is that he didnt have to tell me all of those feeligns and emotions. Ive never once asked him how he has felt about me or our future or kids. He has ALWAYS been the one to bring it up. Why? I have to wonder . Why? It isnt as though he was trying to get me in bed. What was the point? I cannot break down. I dont want to go on Tuesday. I dont want to. I dont want to. But I aslo know he knows how much I love him and I feel that by giving him the opportunity to see how hurt I am ... makes me lose the power. I want to be strong and indifferent. You want to work on your marriage, great. I am happy for you. I hope it all works out. Stay detached and unemotional. Have my friend (who he knows) be there with me. I know its a game but I dont want to be the fall back girl in his mind. I want to be the girl that accepts where the chips ahve fallen and Ive moved on.


I met a very handsome guy yesterday and I had several guys come up to me when I went out telling me how beautiful I am. I am getting up, getting dressed and trying to move on. I need so much hlep. I cant get into a conversation with him. I will be so weak. Is it stupid for me not to want to appear weak in front of him?


I have twomajor events comingup. This is a blessing. i am going to take it and run but I need your advice. Please.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 2:16pm

Alone,

I am not sure what kind of advice you are looking for. It's obvious from your post that Xmm has chosen to save his M whether his W is willing to or not. Does his W know about you? Sorry, but I don't recall if there was a D-Day. If she is telling him she is "done" then she must know something. If you have read threads on here you should have some idea how this usually plays out. They will probably end up going to MC and even if they decided to separate for a while, he sounds like he is going to try and do everything humanly possible to atone for his sins. He will be seeking forgiveness from his maker and his W.

<>

Of course it was emotional. An A is loaded with emotion because people are hurting, and hurting others in the process. What you need to do is cut all contact with MM so he *can* work on his M, but you do not need to hear any progress reports. Cut him to the quick if he finds a way back into your sympathies. You need to lock all doors that could lead him back to you.

If you can cancel this meeting, do so. If you can't, take your neighbor and make NO eye contact/conversation whatsoever with XMM. Sure, maybe it's childish in a way to bring your Ex, but if it's going to keep you AWAY from XMM, then do it this one time. After that, you need to put your foot down all on your own. It's time to take back your dignity and you do this by having NO MORE contact of any kind other than what this "committee" calls for.

<>

That's nice and all, but getting validated by other men is probably what got you into this mess in the first place. You need to learn how love yourself for all of your qualities, good and bad, and find validation through your own goodness and kindness toward others; needing flattery and attention to feel better about yourself is superficial and ego driven. Start working on who you are *inside* so that you can become as beautiful internally as your outward appearance is.

In summary, kick your Xmm to the curb, girl....and get your life back on track. ;-)

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 2:52pm

Hi AAE,


Your post reminds me so much of my D-day. My normal response when people ask why xAP did something is that no one can get into someone else’s mind and tell you their motives.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.