Job Interview

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Job Interview
6
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 9:08am

As the fog slowly lifts, I am realizing that I feel like I've been in a 7 1/2 year long job interview. As a high level FBI agent or something - and I say that because I feel like I've been scrutinized over and over. I feel like every stone of my life has been overturned. I've even sat in the chair with the bright light shining in my face and questioned many times about things that didn't add up.

It just amazes me how innocent things can be misconstrued when a person isn't really in your life. And when that person doesn't trust you to begin with, it makes for an very unhealthy existence.

Some of the toxicity of the relationship I will own - it takes two. Most of it is bulls--t I see now was fabricated by XAP based on the fact that he was never really with me. I don't know what he was looking for. Some flaw in me so he could justify the fact that he had no balls to leave his marriage?

Well, I feel like I failed the job interview. I gave it my best shot. Now I'm seeing that I never really wanted the job anyway. It probably wasn't a good fit for me.

Has anyone else felt like this? And why is there a part of me that still cares what he thinks?

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 9:57am

Great analogy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 10:11am

Hi Bodhi,

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NOPE. Some flaw in him, not YOU! I don't think its fair you beat yourself up thinking like that. From what I've read men don't usually leave their marriages for their AP's.

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Affairs are doomed from the start, kind of like trying to put a round peg in a square hole, so how could they ever be a good fit?

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Because you have the capacity to care.

Keep hanging in there! Take care of YOU!

MO

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 10:23am

CSN -

You're right - and I keep reminding myself that I can't expect to be better in 3 weeks when it took me 7.5 years to get in this mess.

:)
Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 10:26am

Thanks MO :)

I'm pretty good at beating myself up - it was part of the long-range brainwashing section of the job interview process.

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I think it's also because I hate to fail anything. I have to STOP looking at it as a failure, but as a triumph.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 11:25am

Bodhi,
I felt exactly like that. He manufactured and exaggerated flaws and I spent a lot of time trying to convince him of my wonderfulness. What a waste of time and ego. I wanted to 'win' - win what, I don't know. It's such a relief to be free of that burden now. I am so thankful it's behind me.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 12:16pm

Dee -

I'm so glad I'm not alone. I have thought I was nuts for a long time.

:)
Bodhi