on a journey, lost my map
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| Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:53pm |
i just feel like i am on a journey without a map. i came here today to vent, but i had to reply to doves first ;)
MM ended our 2 year A when he chose to stay with his W, for the second time. The first time he told her, family he was leaving...second time he told her he may be leaving. Of course in the end he never did. Points for him, he was honest with me the whole time and he's been m forever. i understand. i don't think their m is really that bad. 2 years ago things were different..i came along..yadda yadda.
Well i pulled away alot after that and we slowly in the past about six weeks have begun making our way back to each other. He wanted to be my friend, and i agreed, that was about 2, 3 weeks after it happened. Two weeks after he announced his decision, he told me w wants him to move 1000 miles away, and he's going. We have had IC since then. We still talk alot. We consdier ourselves fwb's. My one condition, basically, was that i was free to talk and date to other men. After arguing with me, he finally realized he's trying to be a cake eater and doens't want that. So we have over come that hurtle and yes, i am free to talk to whoever i wish. Not that i am jumping out and doing that, i am doing it some, but it was more important to me on the principle of the thing. i wanted it clear i could and probably would, even if *i* know i am not out to replace him right this minute.
Anyway, i didn't think i was interested in this kind of close r w/ him, but now that i know he's moving, and that he's not going to get upset w/ my living my life, i feel very happy. i feel like the times he can find time for me to spend time with me before he has to leave, wonderful. those surprising few hours here and there are wonderful. And times when he can't, i am free to jump online or go out and meet new people, have a fun Saturday or just mope at home if i wish, which i do, once in awhile tee hee.
Am i wrong to enjoy things the way they are? i never expected him to move so far away. They put the for sale sign up and have already had people through their house. i know it's for real.
i know i am lining myself for a *certain* amount of hurt when he moves but....i can't have him so close by knowing he's moving and not at least have him as a special part of my life. Yet, i know we have NO future together except as friends after a month or two, i am no longer wishing for that (i have accepted it). It's just a strange damn situation. i feel like our A isn't over but kinda is....it's NOT like it was before that much i know...the time we have together, the exclusiveness as far as not talking to other guys for me, the move coming up, the w knows he isn't leaving...that changes everything in my heart.
i stay here becuase i know my A is on it's "way out" and that we aer leaving each other's lives after two years as gracefully as we can. Maybe we will always be friends, i'm not sure. But our days are definitely numbered.
i'm happy, but it's such a strange situation, sometimes i wonder...is it bad i'm happy? is there a right and wrong way to end this and am i doing it wrong? will the other shoe drop and he'll go back to trying to get me to stop talking to other people?
Thanks for letting me vent. Something weird always happens to make this A abnormal LOL.
jen

"Is it wrong to be happy?"
No...it's working for you. You see the closure.
"Is there a right way and a wrong way to end this?"
Define right. Define wrong. They're your definitions. I have my own. Are you feeling settled? Are you looking forward to your future in a different way? Have you resolved the issue that you're single and available and (sometime in the future) looking for a relationship with someone fully available to you as a single person? You already answered all these questions "yes" in your post. Sounds like "right" to me.
FWB can work after the affair ends when there are clear boundaries. Such as dating other people.
Ohhh, thank you NRE. That's exactly what i needed to hear. i'm the master of self doubt LOL.
The A *is* over. What we have now is different...good...but not the A we had and there just too many important differences to me. What we have works, but i see so many people that it doesn't work for, i thought maybe i was just flat out wrong.
Thank you for the punch in the arm i needed :) :)
jen
Hi jenn!
Bare with me as my advice at this time might not be as great as I would like, under the circumstances ;)
All I can honestly say is this, if you are both happy that is all that matters. I don't
see anything wrong with the way you have chosen the R to be. It works for the both of you and that is your choice. I think it's special to be able to have these moments and look back at them as great memories. Even more so, it keeps your feelings towards one another on a very positive level as supposed to him moving and things left negatively.
I commend you jenn for being such a strong individual, your advice has always been so helpful to me =)
As everyone else as well!!!
Doves