Jstmekc
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| Mon, 05-09-2005 - 9:56am |
Hi Jstmekc,
I just want to write to you because something you wrote struck deeply with me. My xMM (of 9 years) said one time that he loved me in the very beginning (text msg no doubt) but other than that he really struggled the whole time to come up with words that described how he felt about me but would always come back to "attached."
I never told him directly that I loved him either since I was uncertain it would be returned and I knew I didn't want to profess my love to have it go over poorly. I used to say to him that I felt deeply for him.
Although I'll preface this whole post with the fact that "I know WORDS mean nothing" and can you really love someone you're in an A with anyway??? (rhetorical) - However, the whole A is much more confusing as it's unfolding, but truthfully there were cold hints along that I ignored.
He would often use the term "attached to me." His mom died when he was very, very young so I used to think that he was just scared to take emotional risk and that he really did feel "love" for me. It certainly felt like love while it was happening (not recently but the first 6 years).
My xMM is not slick. He didn't have all these smooth lines and he never lied to me - that I caught... and yes, you could say he/we lied to everyone in the big picture but I mean in the more simple way... some MM seem to lie to get what they need and make promises they don't keep etc.
My xMM didn't lie - he was telling me the whole time the way he felt and I wasn't LISTENING! Everytime he would hem n' haw and not come up with clear words about the way he felt about me was a hammer hitting me over the head. The way he struggled to tell me was a huge red flag - and I kept the fantasy that this was really something special.
I just wanted to say that I think the *hardest* part of this whole ending part was FINALLY realizing that he didn't feel the way I did about him (I was in denial for 9 years). And yes, I can still have a booty call - probably for the rest of my life if I want to with him and all I'd have to do is say the word - but that's not what I want either. I was only so wrapped up in the A since I thought the feelings were the same. It's been a bitter pill to swallow these last couple of months.
I always had that deep ache to see him and missed him terribly esp in the weeks following a lot of time together (we live in different cities). He didn't feel that way. He felt badly I was so depressed but he was humming along fine. It didn't sit well with me at the time but I never understood the FULL reality of the situation until now.
I just wanted to say (for me) the fact that xMM was struggling the whole time to tell me how he felt should have tipped me off - then this spring my mind finally did the reconcilation and WOW lots of pain. xMM will actually admit he doesn't feel deeply about anything but that's another story.
The bottomline for me is that I am getting out of the A because it's messing up my life... but it's been hard for me to accept that even if he and I weren't M to other people I don't think it would be enough for me.
Rambling, WIP

It took me a long time to see the signs. They were there all along. Now I feel so stupid and used. I don't know what I was thinking to give away my pride and dignity. I thought we were so special and "meant to be". I couldn't see what was right in front of me. I feel like a different person now and instead of wanting xmm to call I am glad I don't have to talk to him. What is there to say?
The truth is pretty simple. We can not be, so that makes it wrong and a waste of time. No amount of justification, or wishing, or trying to figure out why he said this or what he meant by that can change the truth.........kc
Edited 5/9/2005 4:58 pm ET ET by jstmekc
Jstmekc,
Thanks for sharing your story. I got a lot of value out of it.
In the beginning I didn't have kids and knew nothing about A's. I couldn't believe anyone would do this without feeling deeply for the other person i.e. seriously consider leaving if the feelings were strong enough (I was fairly young when this started 9 years ago).
After I had kids I had no intention of leaving my H (and H left a difficult job and our M actually had a chance to be better than it ever had been - assuming I could stop the A, which I couldn't/didn't). I, too, refused to be realistic even though xMM tried to help me to see the light. I should have realized when he said that he'd like this to go on 10-15 years exactly what that meant.
That must have been painful. I suspect xMM did have other A's before (not to the same extent since this has been going on so long but I believe there has been a brief one or two). I know this because of what he *doesn't say.* I don't really want to know the truth. I read if a man does it early in a M that he pretty much always will. I don't relish the idea of being replaced - although that is coming with acceptance.
Mine admits the same. And I agree that I have been inexcusably selfish as well. My H would never do this to me out of loving loyalty.
--> So do you still occasionally cry over this, or is that all water under the bridge at this point? Do you feel closer to H and satisfied with what you have?
Thanks again, WIP
I talked to xmm last Mon. As we talked xmm said if you want to be with me make it happen. (family and I are going back for the weekend) I woke up on Tues and instead of having my first thought be how sad I was not to have xmm it was "I don't care if I ever talk to him again". It was amazing I was free! It was so clear.
Now as I concentrate on H (who suspects but dosen't want to know). Has always hated xmm by the way. I feel so ashamed. My H is such a good man who would never cheat (helps he is not that into s) I never doubted him but thought that if he wasn't going to meet my needs then I was justified in having someone who would. I have not felt guilty until now. Even talking to xmm's wife I didn't feel guilt. I thought I would never do anything to hurt her, all of the time look what I was doing? I felt like she was too stupid or didn't care, but mostly I just didn't want to think of her. So guilt was not a problem until now. I finally am just starting to feel guilty over the pain I have caused my H not to mention my kids. I almost ripped our family apart. My son attempted suicide. (he is doing great now!) It was a wakeup for the whole family. That is when I made plans to move. Took a job 250 miles away. Turns out my H has health problems that he is dealing with or I may have lost him too. Even with all of that I thought that my "friendship" with OM was so special we could be friends. How stupid can you be?
I have been begging H to let the past go and please be my best friend again. He was so depressed and spent all his time sleeping. I tell him how unhappy I have been with our marriage and he is truly trying. I look at him and wonder how could I do this? Someone answered one of my first posts saying something about my h being the "love of my life" It felt so good to put him instead of xmm in that slot. It is amazing how right he is. I would do anything not to hurt him and I pray he knows how much I love him and how I don't want to have to live without him. I am just so thankful for what I have. Lately I have been crying from happiness and feelings of unworthiness. I will probably always feel guilty and maybe I will cry for being so stupid but one day at a time is the only way to live life.
Where is the guy who I thought I couldn't live without? I hope he is home with his w and kids being the kind of man he would like to be cuz I still love him and wish him happiness.