Just broke it off--confused and hurting
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| Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:22pm |
I posted over at the affair support board a few weeks ago. I've been having an emotional affair with a MM. Started out as an online chat that slowly....moved (for lack of a better word) into something else, talking on the phone, emailing, etc.... and then became more...intimate. Well, it's been going on for 6-8 weeks, kind of lost track exactly how long. He inspired some very intense emotions in me, gave me everything my husband didn't....made me feel desired and sexy and cared about, where my husband tends to shut me out emotionally. I was so lonely I ached with it, spent half the time wondering why my husband ever married me to begin with, and MM gave me everything I needed, was actually in a similar situation with his wife, and we just...connected, right from the first moment I talked to him.
But I realized some things in the last week about myself. Learned that I was using him to fill a void within myself, and that it would never work, because whatever is missing he can't give me,; my husband can't even give me. I need to find it within myself.
So I emailed him and ended it. And I was feeling so empowered...thought I was onto something, making a better change. And then he called me, and we talked, and he said he will abide by my decision even though he's sorry to see it end. So we ended it on good terms, but agreed to no contact.
The thing is....I know I'm not in love with this man. I mean, I knew I could be, if given time, which was part of why I did some major soul-searching. And I'm glad it's over, I know it needs to be over, that I'm better off this way, even though I don't regret having the affair, that I will always look back fondly on him. Does that make sense?
But what I don't understand...is why it hurts so much. That's the most confusing part. Why does it feel like I've just lost something really important to me, like I'm giving up a part of myself? I mean, I still have his last emails to me, from yesterday, can't seem to throw them out, and every time I read them, I just want to cry. And there's the part of me that just says I'm being stupid, that I'm making more out of this than I should.
Anyway, I don't really expect answers to that. Just sort of needed an ear, but don't have anyone I can tell something like this to, so it hope it's okay that I came here.
Thanks so much for listening,
~Lonely

The hard part for me is keeping my hand off the phone, the key board or any place of contact. There are moments when I'm flooded with thoughts of him and have failed at keeping away from the keyboard. How do you stop yourself?
All in all, it's getting better, but perhaps it will never go away. It was helpful for me to read Helen Fisher's "Why We Love" to understand the biology of what has happened in an affair. It helps to understand that we have biological and chemical addictions to our lovers, and nature wants to make it as hard as possible to separate. We just need to be smarter.
I'd appreciate any thoughts you have in getting through this, too!
I just figure I'll take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary. And post here when I really want to email MM. If I find something that works, I'll definitely post here. but for right now...I jsut don't know. I'm just extremely grateful for this board.
~Lonely
~Lonely
Edited 8/30/2004 8:27 pm ET ET by lonelyhousewife2000
I am struggling with my H, too. We've been working so hard (and fighting, too) to try to figure things out between us. He's really trying hard...being sweet, kind, understanding and helpful. He's even beginning to be able to engage in emotional dialogue. So I feel like I'm deeply appreciating him. But it doesn't get me over a few places that caused me to look elsewhere. He will never be my intellectual equal, and each day I feel like crying because I'm so lonely that way. He's also very depressed right now, with very good reason (his daughter is very ill), so he's heavy emotionally. And sexually, I just can't receive his touch yet. Ideas about how to get through these places?
Hang on today...look to more productive places for your support!
But you know I've been doing? I tend to fill my life to overfull, to fill that void. I'm a writer, as in aiming towards publication, and I have just filled my life with all kinds of writing groups. But it wasn't working, which is part of what i think led me to seek out MM. So this morning, I emailed them all my groups and said I was taking a break. And I'm going to start journaling (this one actually scares me a bit...cause I'm not sure I want to know what I think), and just generally...getting in touch with myself, with figuring out what this need is that I have and how to fix it.
My H...gosh, I don't even know where to begin with him. He's is so like me, and yet so completely different. He's a good man. Good father, good husband, good provider...but he's emotionally distant. He tends to treat me more like his roommate than his life partner. Physical affection (hugs, kisses) are rare. I get a hug when he's leaving town for a business trip, and a kiss on the cheek at bedtime. The only time he ever sits with me to cuddle with me is when he wants sex. And even that's only on his terms, when he wants it. So the only time I ever feel like we connect as a couple is then. And I hate that.
But I can't tell him that. I have tried, over and over, over the years. He just doesn't want to hear it. And lately, he's been working...a lot. like 70+ hours a week. It's all about the money, (those were the times, that I mentioned in my original post, about how I'd wondered why he ever married me to begin with). So that's what I meant when I said MM gave me everything my husband didn't.
Anyway, I'm getting long-winded here. lol But what I've decided to do is look internally. Before I came to the actual decision to end it with MM, I was confused (like we all are), and I was looking at astrology and tarot and all that. And I came across something that hit me right between the eyes. I don't even know what it was or where it was, but it basically told me that I'm a person of extremes, that I seek out extreme experiences simply because I don't like to feel "nothing". The scary part is, it was right. And that's what made me realize I needed to end the A, that I was looking for something MM couldn't give me. So I'm on a mission of spiritual enlightenment. Sounds corny, but shoot, whatever works, right? So what I did, what I plan/hope to do, when I feel that urge to email MM (god help me if I can't resist checking the chat site and actually find him there) is to write, like in a journal, or seek "guidance" from the online tarot things...it's kind of a stupid thing, but anything to keep from contacting MM, you know?
Anyway, it's only been one day. But I'm keeping my mind focused. The good thing is...I've got lots to clean around the house today, so here's hoping it keeps me away from the keyboard. lol
Today doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday, but only because I've so determined not to let this control me. Shoot, maybe that's just plain denial. lol And also because my husband isn't home...he's on a business trip in CA, which means the problems that sent me to seek out MM in the first aren't "in my face". But I still crave that MM "fix". Which is why I came here (I'm feeling very philisophical today, can you tell? lol).
Hang in there, hon! We can do this! Maybe, if anything, we'll come out stronger for it in the end.
~Lonely
Edited 8/31/2004 1:45 pm ET ET by lonelyhousewife2000