Just broke it off--confused and hurting

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Just broke it off--confused and hurting
5
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:22pm
Hi everyone,

I posted over at the affair support board a few weeks ago. I've been having an emotional affair with a MM. Started out as an online chat that slowly....moved (for lack of a better word) into something else, talking on the phone, emailing, etc.... and then became more...intimate. Well, it's been going on for 6-8 weeks, kind of lost track exactly how long. He inspired some very intense emotions in me, gave me everything my husband didn't....made me feel desired and sexy and cared about, where my husband tends to shut me out emotionally. I was so lonely I ached with it, spent half the time wondering why my husband ever married me to begin with, and MM gave me everything I needed, was actually in a similar situation with his wife, and we just...connected, right from the first moment I talked to him.

But I realized some things in the last week about myself. Learned that I was using him to fill a void within myself, and that it would never work, because whatever is missing he can't give me,; my husband can't even give me. I need to find it within myself.

So I emailed him and ended it. And I was feeling so empowered...thought I was onto something, making a better change. And then he called me, and we talked, and he said he will abide by my decision even though he's sorry to see it end. So we ended it on good terms, but agreed to no contact.

The thing is....I know I'm not in love with this man. I mean, I knew I could be, if given time, which was part of why I did some major soul-searching. And I'm glad it's over, I know it needs to be over, that I'm better off this way, even though I don't regret having the affair, that I will always look back fondly on him. Does that make sense?

But what I don't understand...is why it hurts so much. That's the most confusing part. Why does it feel like I've just lost something really important to me, like I'm giving up a part of myself? I mean, I still have his last emails to me, from yesterday, can't seem to throw them out, and every time I read them, I just want to cry. And there's the part of me that just says I'm being stupid, that I'm making more out of this than I should.

Anyway, I don't really expect answers to that. Just sort of needed an ear, but don't have anyone I can tell something like this to, so it hope it's okay that I came here.

Thanks so much for listening,

~Lonely

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 7:06pm
Sorry you're hurting, but I can relate completely to what you're saying. I'm in about the same predicament. It hurts and it feels very lonely to have severed the one place that I was getting some comfort and stimulation in my life. What I'm finding, however, is that the more I push to feed my own needs for contact, affection, intellectual play and other things with girlfriends, my spouse or colleagues, the softer that hurting place feels. If you fill up with other things, the hurt subsides.

The hard part for me is keeping my hand off the phone, the key board or any place of contact. There are moments when I'm flooded with thoughts of him and have failed at keeping away from the keyboard. How do you stop yourself?

All in all, it's getting better, but perhaps it will never go away. It was helpful for me to read Helen Fisher's "Why We Love" to understand the biology of what has happened in an affair. It helps to understand that we have biological and chemical addictions to our lovers, and nature wants to make it as hard as possible to separate. We just need to be smarter.

I'd appreciate any thoughts you have in getting through this, too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 8:15pm
Maybe that's why it hurts so much....because that's exactly how it feels, like I'd "severed the one place that I was getting some comfort and stimulation in my life" (to quote you). In my case, it was all about the emotions, how he made me feel. Anyway, I've since taken a shower and tossed out those emails (well, at least they're in the "trash" and not the inbox where I have to look at them all the time) and I feel a little better. But my heart still hurts, and I have no idea how I'll get through this. How I'll face my husband's emotional distance every day (it's not a complete cold shoulder, but we're definitely not as close as married people should be...I'm frankly closer to my mother than I am to him, if that tells you anything), how I'll be able to resist knowing that all I have to do is email MM or go find him on the chat site and he'll be there. God help me if he ever goes back on his word and emails me (and even as I say that, there's a part of me inside *screaming* and praying that he will, even though I know he most likely won't).

I just figure I'll take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary. And post here when I really want to email MM. If I find something that works, I'll definitely post here. but for right now...I jsut don't know. I'm just extremely grateful for this board.

~Lonely

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 8:25pm
Soreinside---forgot to add...if you're ever at that desperate point, where you don't know if you can stop yourself, feel free to email me through my profile if you need someone to 'talk you down'. God knows I know I'll be going through that...mornings and early evenings are going to be very difficult (that's when we talked the most). Here's hoping I won't make a complete nuiscance of myself on this board. lol

~Lonely


Edited 8/30/2004 8:27 pm ET ET by lonelyhousewife2000

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 12:13pm
It was great to find your note this morning. I awoke and had the immediate sensation of needing to contact my XMM. It really helps to find the warm and understanding contact of you and others on this board. It fills the need that I seek to fill in contacting him. Thank you for sharing yourself.

I am struggling with my H, too. We've been working so hard (and fighting, too) to try to figure things out between us. He's really trying hard...being sweet, kind, understanding and helpful. He's even beginning to be able to engage in emotional dialogue. So I feel like I'm deeply appreciating him. But it doesn't get me over a few places that caused me to look elsewhere. He will never be my intellectual equal, and each day I feel like crying because I'm so lonely that way. He's also very depressed right now, with very good reason (his daughter is very ill), so he's heavy emotionally. And sexually, I just can't receive his touch yet. Ideas about how to get through these places?

Hang on today...look to more productive places for your support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 1:42pm
You know, it's good to come in here and see your reply this morning, too. I went back to the chat site yesterday...several times. I couldn't help myself. Luckily, he wasn't there. And I still find myself checking my emails, finding myself disappointed when his isn't in there. And then I scold myself...of course it's not, why would it be?

But you know I've been doing? I tend to fill my life to overfull, to fill that void. I'm a writer, as in aiming towards publication, and I have just filled my life with all kinds of writing groups. But it wasn't working, which is part of what i think led me to seek out MM. So this morning, I emailed them all my groups and said I was taking a break. And I'm going to start journaling (this one actually scares me a bit...cause I'm not sure I want to know what I think), and just generally...getting in touch with myself, with figuring out what this need is that I have and how to fix it.

My H...gosh, I don't even know where to begin with him. He's is so like me, and yet so completely different. He's a good man. Good father, good husband, good provider...but he's emotionally distant. He tends to treat me more like his roommate than his life partner. Physical affection (hugs, kisses) are rare. I get a hug when he's leaving town for a business trip, and a kiss on the cheek at bedtime. The only time he ever sits with me to cuddle with me is when he wants sex. And even that's only on his terms, when he wants it. So the only time I ever feel like we connect as a couple is then. And I hate that.

But I can't tell him that. I have tried, over and over, over the years. He just doesn't want to hear it. And lately, he's been working...a lot. like 70+ hours a week. It's all about the money, (those were the times, that I mentioned in my original post, about how I'd wondered why he ever married me to begin with). So that's what I meant when I said MM gave me everything my husband didn't.

Anyway, I'm getting long-winded here. lol But what I've decided to do is look internally. Before I came to the actual decision to end it with MM, I was confused (like we all are), and I was looking at astrology and tarot and all that. And I came across something that hit me right between the eyes. I don't even know what it was or where it was, but it basically told me that I'm a person of extremes, that I seek out extreme experiences simply because I don't like to feel "nothing". The scary part is, it was right. And that's what made me realize I needed to end the A, that I was looking for something MM couldn't give me. So I'm on a mission of spiritual enlightenment. Sounds corny, but shoot, whatever works, right? So what I did, what I plan/hope to do, when I feel that urge to email MM (god help me if I can't resist checking the chat site and actually find him there) is to write, like in a journal, or seek "guidance" from the online tarot things...it's kind of a stupid thing, but anything to keep from contacting MM, you know?

Anyway, it's only been one day. But I'm keeping my mind focused. The good thing is...I've got lots to clean around the house today, so here's hoping it keeps me away from the keyboard. lol

Today doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday, but only because I've so determined not to let this control me. Shoot, maybe that's just plain denial. lol And also because my husband isn't home...he's on a business trip in CA, which means the problems that sent me to seek out MM in the first aren't "in my face". But I still crave that MM "fix". Which is why I came here (I'm feeling very philisophical today, can you tell? lol).

Hang in there, hon! We can do this! Maybe, if anything, we'll come out stronger for it in the end.

~Lonely




Edited 8/31/2004 1:45 pm ET ET by lonelyhousewife2000