Just dropping by to give some support...

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Just dropping by to give some support...
3
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 11:57pm
Hello everyone. I was a regular on this board...Now I am rarely online. I just wanted to drop in and tell those that are in the worse of it that it does get better.

The only way I can describe how I feel now when I look back on it all is that I was "sick"...the whole thing was a tangled web of lies and deception. I feel so much better now. Stronger and happier. Is my life a bowl of cherries now? Far from it. But I have better ways of dealing with it then having an A. I love myself now, more then I have ever in my life. Having an A was self destructive behavior.

We can all bat our eyelashes and act the victim, the truth is we knew we were getting into an A when we were doing it. Does that mean we deserve to feel hurt? Hell no. We aren't bad people that deserve punishment. But lets throw the "poor me" stuff into the crapper and admit that we made poor choices. Stop being a victim and move on! An affair is a relationship based on lies. Someone is lying to somebody. We fool ourselves into feeling justified. Oh, his wife is a bitch...she doesn't understand him. Our husbands are abusive to us, ignore us, do not give us what we need so we have to go elsewhere. Analyze and justify it until you are blue in the face. It is still an A-F-F-A-I-R!!

It wasn't until I started looking at the situation for what is was and being honest with myself that i could move on and be healthy. I kept NC for quite a long time until it wasn't an issue anymore. I spoke to XOM on occasion...very briefly. When I realized that it didn't matter to me anymore I realized that I was over him..on the path to healing. He was very remorseful to me. Apologized and admitted that what we did was wrong, that how he treated me was wrong. He cried. I guess I needed to hear "I"m sorry"...He was in this mess just as much as I was. He helped create the monster that nearly drove me to take my life. As far as the other woman he was seeing? (who was also married). Apparantly she went Glenn Close on him and he had to change his phone number. She was calling, going by his house and leaving notes on his car. I am so glad that I maintained some degree of dignity. I picture her as someone I could have been. I could have been pining away for him still and doing stupid things like leaving notes on his car. I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for who I was at one time too.

Do I think about XOM? Of course. How could I not? He was such an important part of my life for so long. Difference now is that I am not obsessed with him. I see the relationship for what it was. I pray for XOM. I focus on my children. I focus on me. I thank God I didn't leave my H and my life as I know it for XOM. There were times i wanted to run away from here. What a cop out that would have been.,

Okay i'm rambling on. I just want to let you women know that there is light on the other side. Take it day by day. Take care of yourselves. Seek therapy if that is what it takes. Don't break NC, don't lose your dignity and do silly things. Workout, keep busy....eat right and drink water ( i know that sounds stupid but when we are depressed we tend to hurt ourselves slowly).....Remember that you started NC for areason..and if your XMM is the one that started NC then say thank you, because he did you the greatest justice.

i wish you all the best.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 9:37am
It's great to hear that all is going well for you. If I recall right, we ended about the same time. You are so right that everything just sort of falls into place when you take a long hard look at yourself and what you have done. For me, I had to accept the fact that I made a poor choice and huge mistake and move on with my life. I can honestly say I am the happiest that I have been in years.

So anyone that is new out there, it really does get better, just give it some time.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:21am
I totally agree with you both. This support group was my lifline back in October and November. My XMM not only made the situation worse after his W found out, but to get rid of me he made a complaint against me at my job and got me fired (we used to work together). But it was a blessing in diguise. Just last week, I started a new job, and it's better than I ever dreamed of. I also started dating again, and I'm really focusing on things I want and things that make me happy.

The lesson I have learned is no matter how hard it seems, how much we cry at first, and all of the many emotions that run through us at the point of break up (for whatever reason) and NC, time does heals all wounds. But more importantly, we must learn from our experiences. As long as we learn from them, we'll all be okay.

Best of luck to all....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 3:37am
Thank you so much for your inspiring words. It is such a comfort to know that others have had similar feelings and experiences and found light at the end of the tunnel, especially when one can feel so humiliated in the process of ending an A. I'm on day 10 of NC, and so far finding this time around much easier.

Playing the victim or the saviour is just masking the self-destructive behavour you mentioned. In learning to understand, take responsibility, and forgive myself for my actions, I am finding I have become much stronger, more grounded. My M is also much stronger. We learned more both about ourselves and each other in the last two years than in the previous 10 years of our relationship.

I am not angry with XMM. Still have feelings for him, miss our "synergy", but question now if those feelings were real. How can synergy be based on sharing only the "good parts"? It is a relief, a blessed relief, to no longer have to hear about his marriage, and suffer with him. There is nothing I can do to help him. I can only take care of myself and my family to the best of my best abilities.

NC equals dignity and self love.

My mantra.... the nightmare is over.

Lala