Just ended it - please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Just ended it - please help
18
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:50am

Someone help me.

My MM and I just ended it.

This wasn't about sex. In fact, we never had IC.
This was about love.
He has been my best friend, my comfort, my partner, to share laughter & joy & passion & friendship & & &&&&&&&&

And I know he felt/feels the same. There really is no doubt.

But he couldn't leave his wife. He tried. He rented an apartment, he told her he was leaving... but he couldn't do it. I don't know why. HE doesn't know why. He's been in counseling, and his therapist doesn't understand why.
But I can't take it anymore, and he knows it's been tearing me apart. I don't want to be in an A, I don't want to be seeing a MM, I want an honest, open, real relationship, and he can't give that to me, so we're ending it.

We exchanged emails this morning, and now I'm sitting at my desk at work crying. And I keep checking my email to see if maybe he's sent just one more, please send me just one more email...please phone me, please come visit....
I don't know how I'm going to get thru this, I really can't imagine not being able to talk with him, to see him, to feel his arms holding me and his kisses...

I've asked him to please get MC with his W. I can't bear the thought of him continuing in his M the way it was, cold, unloving, her controlling him & ignoring his wants, needs, passions.

Luckily I've got kids & pets to go home to. I don't know what I'm going to tell my co-workers when someone asks me why I'm crying, they're bound to notice soon. I thought of telling them my best friend just died - it wouldn't be far from the truth.

someone please say something to help...

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 12:07pm

Welcome to the board.

Ending an A is hard; there is no doubt about that. It feels overwhelming. It will take alot of patience to get through this. It's going to hurt. There are no words that will make the blow any easier to handle. It's a process. Here are your words for ending the affair.....keep reminding yourself of why it needed to end.

<<< I can't take it anymore, and he knows it's been tearing me apart. I don't want to be in an A, I don't want to be seeing a MM, I want an honest, open, real relationship, and he can't give that to ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the meantime, (((HUGS))))! Take care!!!!!!!!!

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 12:28pm

thank you.

yeah, listening to one's own words sometimes helps.

thanks for being there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 2:13pm

Hi...I'm a newbie on the board too and am coming to grips with the end of my A. It has been painful, I won't sugar coat it. Mine has been over for 5 weeks and I still cry everyday. Some days will be better than others. I agree with what everyone says here..NO CONTACT. It's the best - otherwise you will be dragged right back into it. I'm sorry you are going through this. My A was the exact same - we never had IC. We were very emotionally attached - of course we talked about love, marriage, vacations, having kids, the whole works. I'm still not sure in my heart that I did the right thing. But, I did the right thing by me. As you probably are, I was losing respect for myself more and more each day. That just can't be! Keep asking yourself what would you tell a friend who was in the exact same situation - RUN, don't walk. It's hard to turn that advice towards ourselves. I know that you probably still have visions of him coming back to you and begging for a reconciliation - heck, I have those almost every hour. But, what will change? I keep asking myself, and you should to - if life at home is really as bad as they seem to put it, why are they staying? We all get something out of everything we do, or we wouldn't do it. He's getting something out of staying at home - maybe it's just security and not having to face his fears. I have to think that if things really are as bad as our MM always make it out to seem, they would go running away - as it is they are cowards - cowards stay where thing feel familiar.

I wish you much luck, take it one day at a time - really. Some days are good, some are bad. Today is a good day for me and I'm thankful. Stay busy! And whatever you do try not to contact him or answer his contacts....

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 3:00pm

too late.
I've already given in & contacted him.
We've traded a few emails.
Don't know what's next.

I can't help but think maybe I just need to be patient...
He's been married a looooong time.

I know what things are like at his home, I've seen them.
No, not horrible. Just cold.

I don't think I can end this yet.

sh#t. there goes another shred of self-respect down the drain.
But if I gave up on him, on us, when there's still hope?
How could I respect myself then?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 3:27pm
Sometimes you have to step out side of that cardboard refrigerator box (remember playing in those as a kid???) to get a better look at the full picture. You are deeply involved at this moment and those feelings are truly intense and intoxicating and are making it hard for you to think clearly. You may feel that his marriage is so cold and unloving but alot of that also has to do with you being involved in his life. I am sorry, but he is not able to fully devote his self and his love to his wife with you on the side. (i know this from experience) If you are truly in love with this man you will let him go and try to rebuild his marriage. Even if you just take a break to do some thinking and clear your mind that will help you put everything into perspective.
What is that old saying "if you love something set it free...if it comes back to you then it is meant to be."
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 3:47pm

i know, i know, i know...
that was what i was telling myself this morning.
He needs to decide, either to work on his marriage or walk away from it.
And he's not going to make that decision as long as he has me to smooth over the rough patches, to fill the voids, to talk to and be his friend. If I walk away he'll be left with just her, just the two of them, and he'll be faced with the emptiness & have to do something about it. Maybe. Or maybe he'll just retreat into his hobbies as he has for years, and avoid facing reality.

I know. I know I "can" do it, too, as much as I want to say "I can't".

OK - I'm too selfish, too needy, right now. Too scared. just like him.

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 4:15pm

Hi...i haven't read the other responses, but i followed your story on the MAS board. i thought it was similar to mine except xmm and i have had IC about a million times LOL. i'm sorry that you're going through this. Some of us were in very serious A's, my mm's w knew the whole time and we never hid, he never had his own place but at times in our R he told us both he was leaving her for me....it's the hardest thing when it ends but you WILL get through this and we will be here for you. Talk to your friends and let yourself feel. Don't expect to get thru it over night. However...hold onto the fact you want an open R where you can expect and hope for a future....at the worst moents, that helps me.

well now i have read the other r's i can see my answer doesn't apply. but i will leave it here. Maybe it will help in some small way.
jen




Edited 3/23/2005 5:22 pm ET ET by jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 4:24pm

jen -
- thanks.
I know, I've followed your posts, too.

Unfortunately(?) I've already caved in, and asked him to take me back & forgive me. I feel awful at hurting him so, by saying I couldn't take the waiting anymore, and then turning right around and saying sorry, I'm still here. It wouldn't surprise me if he's just totally fed up & tells me that it really is over. I'm just a wreck. Haven't gotten any decent amount of work done in ages.

How do you leave love?

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 7:02pm

You leave love when you decide you want an above-board R or none at all. You leave love when you realize if he wanted to be with you, he would. Plain and simple. You leave love when he has had a reasonable time to put his life in order and make a decision. You leave love when you understand that a long M can't always be put aside for you. It doesn't mean what you have isn't good...it's just the power of a committment that long. Yes, he's been m a long time. My xmm was M when i was 8. You realize it wasn't meant to be, and you realize more people are being hurt, including yourself, than helped. You realize it's not fair, and you it's time to be an adult and decide some things.

Now you don't have to end it badly. You don't have to end it mean. i even think some people can be friends. i'm not saying i don't feel your pain. Think back to being with a man you didn't have to share. Feels good.

Best of luck to you,
jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 7:35pm

I'm a long time out of my A (I was the married partner) so I have a much longer & wider angled lens on this whole A bidness.

<>

Sure, I mean, "patient" has got you this far, right? And let's face it, the my way or the highway thing didn't quite work out how you planned. Sucks when people just won't follow our script, doesn't it? And just so you know, ending ploys and being patient didn't get my XOM a single thing.

<>

Did it ever occur to you that MM's relationship is only ever strained or "cold" whenever you're around? Let's face it, you ARE the poisonous spider in that particular woodpile. I didn't poop on my own doorstep nor was I callous enough to subject my XOM to the presence of my H or vice versa so I've little to offer in terms of first hand interaction. I did some mean things right enough, but that wasn't one of them.

Or perhaps MM's wife is cold to him because MM's an inattentive jerk who deals with problems & responsibility by bailing out and finding someone who'll help him feel-good rather than redirecting his focus to real problems, real responsibilities and real life? It's likely during my A innocent bystanders might have perceived my H as being cold towards me. I was a self absorbed nightmare to be around during my A and could hardly have been described as acting like Mrs Sunshine towards H so why would he be likely to be falling all over himself to make nice to me?

Or maybe even that MM might fib to you about the happiness factor in his marriage as easily or even easier than he can fib to his wife who's known him on a day to day basis for over 20yrs did you say? I'll tell you straight that neither my M nor my H received much good press during my A. Why did I run down my M and my H when there was little to nothing wrong with either? Because it helped me to feel better about justifying my lack of integrity in doing the dirty on someone who loved & trusted me with someone who was happy enough to see me drop my standards.

Also one's lover might just lose interest before you're done with him or her were you to be truthful enough to say, "Actually my M is pretty good; My H/W is attractive, intelligent, devoted to me (and our children if any), We have regular enjoyable sex, I just want a little something extra or different, so how about putting your life on hold until I lose interest?" Counter productive to the goal, wouldn't you say?

One more thing, and this is something all single OPs should bear in mind, when I did finally separate from H, the very LAST person I wanted to be around was XOM because "Eewww! What kind of person am I when I am around XOM?!" I eventually went back to H, we've rebuilt and here I remain some years later.

<>

Sure you can, you just don't WANT to end it yet or maybe it just doesn't hurt enough yet, perhaps both. CL-Rain gave you some good advice on the other board BTW.

Keep in mind the reasons you wanted to end your A. In your opening post, I think you said something about not wanting to be in an A or the OW to some MM and that you deserved a real out in the open relationship. Nothing's changed, has it? Except perhaps losing yet another chunk of time and your sense of self in hopes that this time MM might take your bait.

Good luck.

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~

Pages