Just ended it - please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Just ended it - please help
18
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:50am

Someone help me.

My MM and I just ended it.

This wasn't about sex. In fact, we never had IC.
This was about love.
He has been my best friend, my comfort, my partner, to share laughter & joy & passion & friendship & & &&&&&&&&

And I know he felt/feels the same. There really is no doubt.

But he couldn't leave his wife. He tried. He rented an apartment, he told her he was leaving... but he couldn't do it. I don't know why. HE doesn't know why. He's been in counseling, and his therapist doesn't understand why.
But I can't take it anymore, and he knows it's been tearing me apart. I don't want to be in an A, I don't want to be seeing a MM, I want an honest, open, real relationship, and he can't give that to me, so we're ending it.

We exchanged emails this morning, and now I'm sitting at my desk at work crying. And I keep checking my email to see if maybe he's sent just one more, please send me just one more email...please phone me, please come visit....
I don't know how I'm going to get thru this, I really can't imagine not being able to talk with him, to see him, to feel his arms holding me and his kisses...

I've asked him to please get MC with his W. I can't bear the thought of him continuing in his M the way it was, cold, unloving, her controlling him & ignoring his wants, needs, passions.

Luckily I've got kids & pets to go home to. I don't know what I'm going to tell my co-workers when someone asks me why I'm crying, they're bound to notice soon. I thought of telling them my best friend just died - it wouldn't be far from the truth.

someone please say something to help...

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 8:01pm

<<>>

This speaks to me on multiple levels. When I ended my A I wished and hoped that XMM would at least TRY to rebuild his marriage. Although I haven't spoken to him in over a year, it doesn't "appear" to me he's done that. I say that because his car is only parked in front of his house once every blue moon. It may just be the case that he went ahead and filed for D afterall, but obviously I don't know that...

As far as her controlling him and ignoring his wants, etc., how do you really know this to be true????

I think we all become different people while in the throes of an A and, as I saw posted on "another thread" on "another board", many of us have inflated our spouse's shortcomings as justification for the A.

Having been the one in my A to end it because I couldn't leave my marriage, I can only share with you that I couldn't leave my marriage because it was slowly dawning on me that my H was the love of my life. Now you wouldn't have been able to prove that by the things I was telling XMM. Right up until the end I was promising a future with him. And when I was with him and making those promises, I honestly and truly felt that way.
However, increasingly when I was away from XMM, particularly when spending time with my DH, it occurred to me that my heart was split in 2 places and that I still had a "shred" of feeling for my DH. I was frightened and confused and didn't know what the heck I was doing. I was afraid to turn either way. I started to wish either my DH or my XMM would just get so fed up that they'd made the decision for me. Oh yeah, I was looking for "signs," reading Tarot cards and tea leaves...I was totally without direction how to get out of the mess I was in, and the mess I was inflicting on other folks, those folks being DH, XMM and of course, XMM's wife. But in the end, I knew I couldn't justify walking away from that little "shred" of warmth for DH, I had to give it a 2nd try. We've been happily reconciling ever since.

You've gotten some really good feedback in this thread. As many of us who've been out of the A for awhile can attest, things often aren't as "ideal" as they seem while we're in the A.

Just my .02. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 9:20pm
Thanks for your comments, but in this case you don't actually have it right. Oddly enough, I do know my MM, and his W, better than you do. I appreciate your concern, tho.
And you're right, Rain gave me some excellent advice. He seems to be constantly thoughtful, and aware that everyone's situation is a little bit different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 9:31pm

Thank you, also, for your words of wisdom.

I think that if they both really tried, they could probably salvage their marriage. They've shared a lot. But they've also grown in different directions.

I'm not sure that all marriages should be "salvaged". Now I know I'm seriously biased in this case, so maybe I should offer this as a topic for separate debate, maybe on "All Sides", but I don't see Longevity for it's own sake as necessarily a good thing in a marriage. Is it really so wonderful that a couple makes it to their 50th anniversary, if the last 30 years of it were unhappy, unfulfilling, and full of fights & hatred? Now, my X became increasingly abusive, so my view is obviously tainted, but personally I'm grateful for the good years, sad that they ended, and happy that I had the strength & ability to move on. I might soon reach the same place with this A, grateful for the good times, but ready to move on. Not yet.

I'm really happy that things have worked out so well for you & your H.
Maybe that's how things will turn out for my MM & his W. At least he would be happy.
Thanks again for your helpful thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 9:40pm

Jen -
Thank you. Your words mean a lot, because I know you & your xMM shared the same sort of love that we (me & MM) do.

No, if it ends, I won't end it "mean". And I don't think it will end badly, altho I don't think I'll be able to be friends - I think it would hurt too much. You said "think back to being with a man you didn't have to share". Unfortunately, I've never had a relationship that was even remotely as "right" as this one is. With that minor detail <> of his being married. (Please don't flame me, folks, his W is certainly not a minor detail, she is a thinking, feeling, human. I was just attempting humor, however weakly.)
I know MM well, and I know that he is a remarkable man, a good man, a caring man.. which is why neither of us is happy with where we are, why he's having such a horrible time making a decision, because someone will be hurt, and which is why I'm going to give him a little more time.

best wishes to you, too, jen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 10:28pm

You're welcome.

Oddly enough, I don't need to know you or your MM or his DW in order to give you the thoughts I had myself as the WS in a similar situation.

I've given you the thoughts I had as the WS at the time of my A. I've disclosed why I and many other WSes generally choose in favor of the BS and against the OP.

Discounting those thoughts because they sting or because they might not fall in with your notion of an eventual happy ever neither hurts my feelings nor does it make it any less a possibility.

Good luck to you.

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:31pm

I,

im going to chime in my 2 cents, right now the pain is very real and i know u cant make sense of it, but u are actually doing the right think, end the affair, its a start, even if u called him again and ask him to take u back

u mentioned that right now its an Emotional Affair, keep it that way

- what u can do is give your kids all the time u spent for MM, i will be honest with u, if he realy loves u then he would have left the wife and kids and divorce her and be with u, think about it, he is sitting on the fence right now

how do u leave love, for me U dont, love will be always there no matter what, u dont leave love, u change who u love, love yourself and then u can love someone else, maybe i dont make sense but that is how i feel

i know it is very hard to comprehend for now, in time u will see the light so to speak,, time will heal

u said it yourself, u cant take it anymore, so now its up to u, give him time to solve his issues with his married, but u need to heal and move on, if in the end MM will eventually leave his M and u are still available then its great, but u cant be crying all the time, feeling sad and depress, trust me, i thought i would be doing the same thing also, cry myself to sleep( and im a man, OW ended our A/R .. whatever.. ;)

but each of u has to grieve the loss, yes someone died, u can still keep his memory but u need to make new ones also for your own sake

welcome to the board, we dont flame but keep that asbestos suit handy .. just kidding, just wanna make u smile

take care of yourself, btw , r u single / married ???

max

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 6:26am

TY for the wishes :)

mm and i are good. We are best friends i admit. We still chat about an hour a night, and i still ask him to do me favors (like yesterday when dd left her lunch in my car LOL). But it's an easy friendship that works well for us. He's away for the weekend looking at houses and he'll be moving out of state soon. i am accepting his decision (yup, it's a process, acceptance doesn't come overnight) and he's accepting my "secret life" as he calls it LOL where i talk to guys, go out, and generally be single and have fun. i can't say it will last forever, but so far, so good. i know most people here swear by NC but for us, this is working. Maybe cuz we had struggled for SO LONG. When you're too tired to struggle anymore ~ you just know. And none of us can help you reach that place, but you'll arrive, in due time.

hugs,
jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 12:48pm

max -
thank you so much.
"time will heal" - coming from you right now that means alot - I know how much pain you've been in.

For right now neither of us can give up our friendship, and we haven't yet learned how to separate that from our love, and I'm not sure if we ever will.

In answer to your question, I left an emotionally/mentally/verbally abusive marriage about 9 months ago, D is proceeding surprisingly amicably. H & I still care very much for each other, the abuse came not from hatred but from psychological problems that he won't or can't address. MM has no children, but my kids know & love him.

And thanks for the smile - I needed that!

Pages