Just ended my EA & feel so alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Just ended my EA & feel so alone
11
Sun, 03-23-2014 - 5:36pm

I've been having a very intense EA with an old friend from before I met my H for the last couple of months. We have been in contact almost every day and I have loved the attention that has been lacking in my marriage. We met a few days ago to talk things through with the possibility of taking them further though nothing happened then. I have since been torn and posted for advice online but sadly all the advice is what I know myself already... that I should not be doing this. So I have just ended the EA. And now I feel sick with unhappiness :-( Why is doing the right thing so hard? I know I'll be waiting for my phone to ring for the next days/weeks even though I have asked him not to contact me

Feeling terribly alone

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Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 03-23-2014 - 6:38pm

Welcome to EAS, Masa

Feeling so alone...it comes with the territory. We can't tell anyone of our affair and we can't reach out to anyone when it ends...we are alone in our grief.  It's a sad predicament we set up for ourselves.  I hope you feel less so now that you've found this Board.

Doing the right thing IS hard sometimes. Kudos to you for doing the right thing for you and your loved ones Affairs make addicts out of us; and so even though we know continuing on isn't healthy for us, we will crave the feel-goods the affair provided 'til we completely detox it out of our system.  And its the attention we will crave...not so much the xaffair partner...he was just the pusherman who tapped into your feel-good center.  Many feel, after time and distance out, and on thinking back that it really could have been anyone who came along at the right time to fill the voids.  Of course, it was easier to fall into it with an old friend. 

Like any addict, it's important to stay 'no contact' (like complete sobriety)...no matter how much you feel you want to reach out.  The urge will pass; and every time you get through the withdrawal, you'll feel more empowered because you stayed the course, which will give you the impetus to keep moving forward.  If you can block him from getting through, that is ideal. It is for your own protection.  If there are any other avenues through which you can make contact, shut those down as well. You don't want him to reach out and you don't want to be able to reach him during weak moments.

It's not easy, but with each day of NC, you will gain more clarity...and with that comes more understanding of how you, yourself, can provide your own means of feeling good.

Please read through our Healing Library for strength and resolve.  You'll see that others have been in your shoes and have gone on to find peace and happiness.

I'll keep checking here, so please keep posting in for support.

You will be okay...I promise.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Sun, 03-23-2014 - 7:09pm

Thank you for your kind and supportive message clarity. The thing is he is "the one that got away" and it was the "what ifs" that really started it. We were nearly together years ago but due to timing and communication failure it never happened. When we reconnected I just wanted to go back and see what might have been. Of course the harsh reality is that we cannot go back, we are lost to each other now and an affair would likely only make things worse. I wish I hadn't bumped into him especially at a time when I am unhappy I'm my marriage. Anyway I hope that I have made the right choice and can keep strong

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 03-23-2014 - 11:28pm

Yes, those dang 'what ifs'...they can keep us spinning our wheels.  If you were meant to be, you would have been.  There may have been that mistiming and miscommunication for a reason.

It seems like your brain is on board...it's going to take a while for your heart to catch up.  You'll go through a roller coaster of emotions as the days go on.  Please, please come here if you feel like you might try to reconnect.  We'll talk you off the ledge :)

I promise you that, if you allow time and distance out to work their magic, you head and heart will reconcile. Please try not to dwell in the past...it's not healthy for your present reality.

What are some of your other interests that can occupy your time?  I think taking up something new, too, is a good thing.  When we've spent an inordinate time thinking about our affair and affair partners, it creates a pathway and all thoughts seem to take the path back to them.  Something that forces us to learn something new, creates new pathways in our brain...and can break up that old  skipping record (if you are old enough to even know what a record/LP is...lol) of obsessive thoughts that go 'round and around and around. Find an activity that makes you feel good...serving others is right up there.  Involvement in the community.  There are plenty of healthy endeavors that can fill those voids.  Therapy is good idea. Get some support for your ending, flush out issues, get guidance for your marriage....it can't be beat.

I learned to chant and the phrases I had to learn were complicated.  It was the only thing that broke my 24/7 obsessive thinking.  Before I knew it, I had gone 10, 20, 30...minutes without thinking of him.  But it was therapy that made all the difference in my world.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 9:16am

Masa, I am sorry you are hurting. It is hard when the end comes, especially when you are grieving this alone. listen to Clarity. She is spot on with her advice. Have you thought about counseling, either alone or with your husband? If you are planning on keeping your marriage intact, you will need to do some work on fixing it so you are not tempted to look elsewhere.

As with any affair, there're are so many illusions. You become addicted to the feelings, the rush of excitement, anticipation of the next message. It all mixes together to make things exciting and keeps drawing us toward it. After a while of NC and healing, you will begin to become stronger. Keep in mind that if you were in an honest relationship with your exAP, things most likely woul never be as exciting as they are while you are in the affair. Real life sets in. What seems perfect, becomes average. The highs wane. Unless both of you were willing to leave your spouses, this could go on for a while, but will ultimately end up the same way or WORSE. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 10:58am

Thanks soaring onward. The problem is I can't avoid xAP he's always around although thankfully not in situations where we might be alone. I bumped into him this morning (suspect it was not an accident on his part) and he now says he loves me. He never said so before but then I had told him I didn't want that. Don't know how I am supposed to move on when he is making it worse!

I have been having counselling for over a year and husband refuses to go saying things are not that bad. Maybe I should just tell him about xAP to give him a wake up call! Before any of this started I had a very frank conversation with my husband, told him why I was unhappy and that it couldn't go on. It all went straight over his head. Sadly for other reasons I cannot leave him at present although I may in future. I sort of felt like I deserved to have an affair if he was not going to make any effort to make me happy or even just listen to me. And then old friend now xAP came back on the scene and the rest is history

Not having a good day - Here's hoping tomorrow will be better.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 2:47pm

I'm not sure if telling your husband of xAP is the best thing to do for a wake up call.  Perhaps the discussion of an open marriage could do the trick.

I've heard it a lot...people feel entitled to have an affair because of this, that and the other thing.  I can only warn people that it is really difficult for a women to compartmentalize as easily as men do and/or to keep their emotions in check...and they end up a mess.  Kudos again for protecting yourself.

You'll experience good and bad days.  Over time, your good days will outweight the bad.  Hopefully, you can discuss with your therapist how to make your husband more open and responsive to whatever marital issues you feel up against.   

You mentioned that you have to run into your xaffair partner on occasion? Why is that? Do you work together or in close proximity?  

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 3:15pm

Sadly I have spoken to my therapist a lot regarding how to fix things with my husband.

It's kind of odd I live in a fairly big city but in the end the centre is very small and my work and social life largely revolves around the centre where he works... about 100 hours a week, so though I don't have to talk to him it is literally impossible not to see him fairly regularly since he has moved back here. If only life were as simple as NC

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 4:03pm

I know what you mean.  JAM (just a man) lived right down the street from me...on the main road. We were always bumping into each other.  Big lesson learned there.

You can, of course, tell him that, if and when you do run into each other, to just go about your business. I know that seems difficult to do with an old friend, but we sacrifice any kind of friendship when we cross the line.  

This is all about protecting yourself and your healing, Masa.  People have had to forego friendships, venues once frequented, have left jobs even in order to not impede their healing.  The consequences are different for everyone.  I hope you don't run into him much.

Keep posting in for support and stay the course.  It gets easier and the feelings less intense with time. Feelings are feelings and are not to be denied...just as long as you don't act upon them, you'll be okay.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2014
Fri, 04-04-2014 - 1:42am

Stay strong! And keep posting or reading the board when you feel a moment of weakness. I am on day 10 of NC and I feel more empowered now than I have felt since July when the A started. Stay Strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 4:43am

So I snapped. We spent all day in bed together last Wednesday. It was our first time together and it was amazing, perfect, we just go so well together. I was so happy for the first few days but now I've started to wonder what the hell I have done. I know I should start N/C again but I don't know how to find the strength. He is everything my husband is not and I wish we could go back in time and be together when we knew each other before I was married. I wish it with all my heart

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