Just feeling so sad and missing xap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Just feeling so sad and missing xap.
12
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 3:28am

This is getting hard. I am on day 11 of NC and I miss him. Tomorrow is monday and I find that was one of the hardest days last week as we used to have minimal contact over the weekend and chat a lot more on mondays. I Have had some good breakthroughs with therapy but struggle to apply what I am learning into my healing process.

I live on this board atm and have read so many posts but I struggle to get him out of my head. Today I have been filled with the what ifs and I hate that because I know I can't go back and change anything.

My H continues to be wonderful. He is supportive and shows so much compassion towards me and I find myself drawn to the idea of returning home sooner rather then later, although he doesn't know if he is ready for me to return home yet. And then I worry I am emotionally using him to fill the void and I feel confused about how I really feel towards him. I miss him but nowhere near as strongly as I miss xap.

I am just at a loss. I feel like I can't trust myself to make the right decisions and I am sick of just feeling sad. I feel stronger then ever about the NC as I have managed to push through the many temptations I have had this weekend but with each struggle I feel more despair that this is it. He can no longer exist for me and then I realise I haven't truly let go of the reality of it being final. I am going round in circles and need a firm talking to, to snap me out of this.

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 9:29am

Hi, Ready-

You're only 11 days out and so don't be too hard on your self for going through these cycles.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 9:38am

Okay...let's see...a firm talking to.

I can't come up with firm...dang it!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 11:36am
Hello,

I don't have much to add to what lovely Dee and Clarity have posted - except to say, I remember those Monday rushes too. When I ended the affair, I re-framed those Mondays. I started to see Monday's for what they were - a STARK reminder that I had thrown my life away for someone who was only available to me during certain hours ... that regardless of how much I needed him during "off hours" I was still unable to contact him in any meaningful way - including during the separation from my H which he played an active role in make happen. Anything to preserve his family while mine was torn apart.

So MONDAYS came to represent everything I hated about what I had allowed myself to become, and the actions I had allowed myself to conduct. Mondays were a symbol of my liminality, my tucked-away-in-a-box status - the convenience of me.

It comes down to thinking differently - pushing through to see your affair for what it was instead of some self-preserving foggy messed up version of what it was. Y

ou have to allow yourself to SEE yourself for what it was that you WERE or were involved with in order to do the real healing work. IMHO.

And really ... day 11?! You just wait, work & hold on ... it gets SO SO SO Much better, until he won't matter at all. AT ALL.

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 6:09pm

Thankyou all so much for your replies. I was a bit nervous about coming on this morning as I feel a bit like an ungrateful brat because of how encouraging my H is being while I wallow in my self pity over another man.

I saw H for a little while last night and I expressed how I was feeling about emotionally using him. He reminded me the rings on my finger give me the right to and he is a big boy and knows how I am feeling. He always brings it back to wanting me to deal with what I have to, face the childhood issues and deal with that so that I come home because, I want to, not because I feel obligated to. Everytime I talk with him I soften just that little bit more towards him. He has changed so much in the past couple of months. He has stopped drinking (which was a huge issue for me), he spends so much time with the kids and appreciates them in a way he never did before and he is getting counselling. Our family and friends can't believe how much he has changed and some find it hard to understand why he is giving me another chance but he shuts out any negative advice as he says he can see how he contributed to the breakdown of our marriage.

As for the rest of the advice, I am going to see mondays as my healing day instead of my 'wait around for xap's calls day'. I will spend the day today working through the workbooks my therapist has given me regarding my abuse and spend some time in the healing library. I might also go to the library and get some self help books. (Can anyone recommend some good ones). I want my life back. I have decided I am going to see this part of my life for what it is. A fantasy world that no longer exists. But I will use it as a chance for becoming a whole healed person who once healed will be able to pour out in a positive way into my family (not out of a sense of wanting acceptance and validation either) as that is how i have lived all my life but out of a genuine love and desire to see my children and H be the best that they can be.

So thankyou again. I love this site and i appreciate all the advice, I know I would not have been able to do this without EAS as I tried many times to walk away and failed. But when you are armed it is certainly easier to face the battle.

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 2:56am
RTMO, 11 days of NC is fantastic! You deserve to feel so proud of yourself. Just like you I lived on this board for weeks, if not months, and the courage and wisdom of the other posters got me through the hardest days.

You are doing all the right things - it just takes time. Kind of like piecing together a 5,000 piece puzzle of your new life, you've just got to keep at it. Turning over the pieces one by one and figuring how they all fit together to make the person you want to be.

The two books that helped me most are Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

And before you know it, you'll be living for weekends with your family and friends and Mondays will be just another day.

Big hugs

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 3:04am

Thankyou Katniss. Today has been hard. I feel very lost at the moment. The jigsaw puzzle is a good analagy as I do feel that is how my life is at the moment. Finding the pieces of myself and the life I am trying to move forward into, seem to be beyond me at the moment, as I try to sift through the what is real and what isn't. But I guess like any jigsaw puzzle I have to keep sifting through until I find the bits that fit together.

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 3:32am
You'll get there honey. If we stick with the puzzle analogy for a little longer, maybe you could just focus on finding the four "corners" first. The pieces that will not move no matter what. For me these were:
1) loving my kids
2) acting with honesty and integrity
3) living my life fully present in each moment
4) nurturing relationships that bring out the best in me

Do you have four cornerstones that will help you to fit the other pieces together over time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 7:42am
RTMO,

You have a TON of support here that will help get you through the next few week. Eleven days, now 12, is tremendous!!! Everything you are feeling are signs of healing. As hard as it can feel, trust that those are normal emotions and use them to feel stronger.

Your H sounds like he is really doing what needs to be done. Don't be afraid to use him for any type of support you need during this time; THAT is what a REAL relationship provides. It sounds like he has a full docket of stuff to deal with, so be aware of that as well. We all have our definitions of commitment, but for me a big part of it is the willingness to 'carry the water' in the relationship while our partners are struggling. COMMITED partners do the for each other; as opposed to APs who usually say things like 'I would if I could' or 'What do you want from me' or 'I know you are hurting, but I can't talk to you now' or 'one day, when we are are together, I'll take care of you'. Utter and complete nonsensical, BS.

I love the idea of reframing Monday's as a day of healing. I identified with TUs comments on Mondays; obese nodding my head as I sat reading. I am sure we all looked forward to Monday as a day to talk to XAP after a lack of contact over the weekend; I certainly did. Then slowly, we weren't contacting each other on those Monday and I wondered what that was all about. You can, I'm sure, cite the reasons given, but they don't matter any more. It was really a drag, but it helped me to see Monday as a symbol, one of many, of how wrong the whole A was. Reframing Monday as a day to help YOU commit yourself to a better life is terrific.

Keep it up!

MPV
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2011
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 10:40pm
"I realise I haven't truly let go of the reality of it being final"


This is EXACTLY what i am struggling w/...I just can't seem to break free of the feeling that my xAP and I are really OVER... somehow I think we are "meant" to be together... I have been thinking a lot today .... "if we are 'meant' to be together, if we are 'meant' to see each other again, then it will happen'. I just keep on holding on to something, anything, so i can still 'feel' him...so i can still have him in my life just a little....i feel i need that right now. I'm hoping someday soon i won't need 'just a little', i will need NONE of him..


Hang in there...im so sad also, im missing xAP every minute also...BUT our DH's LOVE us and NEED us and WANT us...our xAP's DONT! I am always telling myself this.


***Big Squeeze***


MAU

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 9:20am

Mondays are so tough.

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