Just feeling weak

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Just feeling weak
8
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 1:44pm

It's Day 5 of NC and I'm starting to feel weak. When do I start feeling stronger? I didn't want to be at that stage where I'm wondering why HE isn't calling. It's a good thing he's not, but it starts to eat at you like everyone says. Wasn't I important? Doesn't he miss me? Blah, blah, blah. I want to keep the NC going, but it's hard because we work together. I was trying to avoid working with him, but I guess I can't run away from this. I have to work with him tonight. We will probably only see each other for all of 15 minutes, but I don't want to fall apart. I don't want to act sad. I want to act like I'm so fine. I just don't think I can do it. I was great for the first three days, now I'm feeling so down. I know I'm doing the right thing, I just thought I'd feel better than this.

Breathe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:20pm

Breathe,

I am sorry that you are feeling so bad right now. I hope it goes well tonight when you have to work with him. I know how hard it is during times of NC and how hopeless it all seems. I am trying to get up the courage to end my A also. I am bouncing back and forth between this board and the other A board and just generally lurking around trying to figure out what to do.

I read another post you wrote <<>> and you took the words right out of my mouth. I am having the same problems with my MM and really thought the problems were unique to me. I am sorry that you have a similar problem but, somehow it helps to know that there are others that can relate.

I saw my MM last Wednesday and did not speak to him until today. I received an email on Friday that was one sentence which I answered several hours later and heard nothing until today. I was angry that he didn't call for so long and refused to answer today when he called 4 times in an hour. I finally decided to talk to him after 6 missed phone calls and he wanted to know why I didn't pick up earlier. I told him I was busy at work. He asked me to meet him today and I said "No" for once. He kept asking what was wrong and asked me to please meet him after work. I held my ground and he said things would be difficult to meet after today because a family member was having surgery on Wednesday morning. I still did not give in to his request which was really hard for me. A few minutes later he called again, and said he really wanted to see me today for what I think was just for sex. He was concerned that I wanted to end things and asked me several times if that was the case. He always tells me how busy he is and how that complicates everything. I let him know today that I am busy too and would not rearrange my life to suit his personal needs. I have stroked his ego long enough - now he either returns the favor or that's it. I cannot do it anymore. I have no problem blasting anyone for stupid things that are much less important. I don't know how he got so much control.

I don't have any profound advice or statement to make. I just wanted to offer my support and hope that you can keep up the NC on your terms. Don't second guess your judgment - it is just hard to be strong right now. I haven't even gotten that far yet. Stay strong!!!

Kelela

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:38pm
I just broke my NC this weekend. We had not seen each other in a month and not talked in almost three weeks. Please take it from me, while I was so happy when I was with him, going home was the worst ever. I am depressed and feel desperate. I feel there is no where to turn. I am in T, but had to cancel last night due to snow we got over the weekend. My mom and brother know of this and have been listening to my issues. I have been very lonely in my marriage. Anyway, my point is, don't break the NC. For a couple of hours of fun, you will be left so depressed when it is over. ((HUGS))
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 7:10pm

Kelela-

It took awhile to get me to this point where NC was even an option. I posted on this same board that I wasn't ready to let go probably about a month ago. But...it's been 5 days NC. Although, today was hard for me.....it hasn't been as "hard" as it would have been a month ago when I knew I wasn't really ready to let go. You have to be ready to let go!!!

Littlesoul2-
(((HUGS))) Your story is exactly why I have to be strong and continue NC. Because when we break NC, spend those few hours or nights together, eventually all the drama starts back up again. The A doesn't change. He doesn't change. We don't change. So you just repeat the cycle until you are ready to end it again.

Hugs to both of you,
SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 7:24pm

You are so right, it is not worth it to break NC. I am struggling with a lot of issues some of which are quite important. But, I seem to priortize issues regarding MM at a higher level. He certainly does not deserve special attention but, I find myself changing everything for him. I am trying very hard to resist him and break the old habits. Today was a milestone for me. I didn't jump when he wanted to meet today. Hopefully, tomorrow I will be just as strong.

I don't want to sound like a broken record because God knows I am not in a place to offer advice but, I do know that things have to get better. Time heals all wounds but a certain amount of pain has to follow the initial injury before it gets better. Does T seem to help you? I hope that you will soon feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 12:56am

Kelela,

Thanks for the post. You inspired me just by saying how you turned him down today. That is such a big deal. You took some power back. Good for you.

I just got back from work. I forced myself not to call him today. It was hard. He saw me right when I got to work. Then once during the night. Then when I was leaving. We hardly said two words. A couple of months ago, I would have been depressed all night "missing him" and all that crap. Tonight, I was actually fine. I got through the shift. I even laughed.

For the last six months, every time we worked together, we talked after work. Again, I used all my strength not to call him on the way home. I turned on the radio. I started to cry and just let go of it all.

Well, after 5 days of NC, he called ME from his car. As weak as I've been feeling, I answered it. We just talked like two normal friends. It was actually nice. I was the one ready to hang up first this time, and he said, "Oh you're pushing ME off the phone now." I laughed and just said, "Yeah, gotta go!" And it felt really good. I really feel in my heart that I can let go of him. I'm starting to look at him, and myself, differently.

I'm going to go to bed now, wake up in the morning, take care of my kids and get some things done, and NOT look at my phone once. I'm not going to wait for another phone call. I have a life to live.

It's happening slower than I'd like it to, but at least I see light at the end of the tunnel.

Breathe

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 9:23am
Kelela -
I only wish an easy road for you. For me, it has been extremely hard. My OM is an old love from 25 years ago so there is a special bond. But not quite sure what life would be like to just leave my M. I am so confused and lost. Therapy has helped a lot. My therapist seems to be up on the heartache and pain of an affair. She has talked about addiction and NC, etc. She really seems to know her stuff. I listen to her to a point and after a few weeks there is contact with me and OM. Hope it all gets easier for both of us. ((HUGS))
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 5:35pm

Breathe,

I am very happy that you handled yourself so well last night. It's nice to know that you kept control and managed to be the one to decide when to end the phone call. I haven't quite reached that point yet. I did not hear from MM today and didn't really expect to since his W is having minor surgery today. We always meet at least once a week and he was really surprised that I wouldn't meet yesterday. I am just so tired of doing everything his way at his convenience. I hardly have any self-esteem left where he is concerned.

I think that I got into this A because I was lacking attention on the homefront. MM was a business acquaintance and friend for 10 years before he decided to test the waters. I still don't know why he made the first move and I resisted for a long time before agreeing to have lunch with him. He was so pleasant and the conversation was wonderful. He started calling and coming by everyday at work and it went from there over a period of 2 months. He was so attentive and I was dazzled by his charm. He was in a high profile powerful position which carried a lot of responsibility and demands on his time but, he always found time to call several times each day.

Now, it's different of course. He retired last fall and the constant demands on his time are much less but, now he will go for days with NC. It makes me crazy when he does that. His kids are grown and out of the house so, that is not an issue. He is quite wealthy and planned well for his retirement so he does not have to work but, manages 3 owned business on the side to keep busy. I think he is so comfortable with our R that he takes it for granted. That's why I have to get my control back and try to end this stupid way of living. I used to be the one calling the shots in the beginning. I think in a way he respected me for being strong and resisting his advances. I really think he likes the "chase". In any event, I am trying very hard to go back to that.

I realize that I was lacking male attention and he showered me with it. The funny thing is that I work in a very male dominated environment and have lots of attention from a variety of men. I appreciated the flattery but never acknowledged it from anyone until him. He is a master of manipulation and I didn't realize it until it was too late.

Stay strong, it sounds like you are on the right path.

Kelela

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 5:46pm

LS,
Thanks, for the reply. It sounds like you are trying to resolve a lot of issues and that the T is helping. I thought about that but, really don't want to have to explaint to H why I feel the need for it. I am sure that it would help me also.

We all feel lost at times and feel like there is nowhere else to go. I usually try to stay busy and focused on something to avoid dwelling on MM. It doesn't stop the torment but it helps a little. I am trying to get my life back one day at a time. It didn't get this messed in a day and will take just as much time to get it straight again. We just have to get to the point that the pain is tolerable then we will be able to think clearly again. Take care and I hope that you find peace.

Kelela