just having a hard day today ....
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just having a hard day today ....
| Thu, 05-05-2005 - 5:50pm |
i dont know why..maybe too much time on my hands today to sit and think.. im writing here instead of e mailing MM .. which is really what i want to do.... most of the day i sat here seeing him online and just wishing he would IM me.. just say hey.. things are fine.. something anything... Im going a way in 2 weeks on vacation.. where he has a vacation home.. pure coinendence... fate...but was blown away when i found out hed been a block away from me every time i went on vacation... he knows this ill be there.. this is a weekend he had planned on seeing me.. now im hoping he stays away cause seeing him would kill me....... its a small place .. easy to run into him... part of me wants to part of me doesnt... i want to tell him off . . i want to know hes ok.. OMG why is this still so freaking hard?!?! isnt it supposed to get easier with time?? for me seems like each week with NC is more and more difficult.. i wonder more and more... such an addiction.. is there rehab for this crap?!.... sorry for this vent .. but i know i would send him e mail.. im feeling very very week and vunerable today ... so thanks for listening....

I feel your pain and can only offer you the same advice I keep trying to give myself.. Every day NC will make it easier and easier until one day we won't think of them anymore.
I empathize with what you will deal with b/c 1) I work with OM and do my best to avoid him all day long and 2) dh and I are building a house just 1.5 miles away from his... Add to this suffering, OM's wife is our realtor. How's that for awkward.
Our new community is a pretty good size, so I hope I never run into him - or his wife (since she just reminds me of him..and what we did). I know that the only way I can deal with that if it happens is if I put him out of my mind completely.
I do that.. but I sit and watch IM all day/night to see if he's on... even though I am invisible. I am hoping he IMs me. That isn't getting over it, I realize. It's really like getting over a bad breakup, except we cannot mourn in public. It will not be easy and one needs to redirect focus on other thing to not let this eat us up.
That's how I feel.. I'm having a bad day today too --sorry I couldn't offer much advice, just sending you cyberhugs... letting you know you are not alone!
Mess
Hon a thought for you your not having emotional NO CONTACT if your watching him being on line in IM or retaining and reading any e-mails\ v-mails, thats not NO CONTACT that is self torture STOP doing this your making it much hard to start to heal then it has to be.
It does get better in time if you complete no contact, partial NO CONTACT drags things out.
Free