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| Mon, 07-19-2004 - 11:56pm |
Ive been lurking here for quite sometime. I cant remember when did i sign in as a member here. Last time, I posted here was when I was so messed up, confused and trying to end an EMA. I remembered posting once, then went back to my old ways and continued EMA. But I would say, some divine intervention led me to end an EMA. That's when I told myself, God works in mysterious ways. Anyway, here's my story.
I started "A" Nov 2001. Ive been married then for 2 years. And that time, i felt neglected and ignored by DH. More like Im looking for something. MM was my new boss at work. His a very famous man in the office coz of his previous A with his officemate. But that issue never bothered me. Instead, it challenged me. And true enough after sometime, we were seeing each other already. But it was him who made the move to me. Being so, ignorant about "A", I believed everything he says to me. And after sometime, I found myself deeply in love with him already. And out of love for DH.
Since, he's married, everything is on his terms. He'll see me when he says so. He'll call me when he wants to. He'll text me when he wants to. And wont communicate when he's at home or when he's with wife. And constantly reminds me that we have no expectations, committments nor strings attached. What we have is just a casual thing. But since, ive fallen for him already, i agreed to that. And I was such a fool to believe that there'll be one day when he'll choose to be with me.
Anyway, we had a good time but much as we had a good time. The pain is more than the good times we had. It slowly, brought down my esteem. And made me a different person. I lost my job coz i saved his ass at work. I sacrificed resigning to save his ass. And that's how much I loved him. Well, office kinda found out about us. And since we're both married... it's quite an issue. So, he asked me to resign to cover his ass. And I did. He promised to still see me and be with me but on his terms. And hold on to that.
But after resigning, I think, a part of me died. I was so sad and depressed. I couldnt believed that I messed my beautiful career and life. And gave up so much for him. Who doesnt deserve such. I was out of job for 3 months. Then during that time, I decided to seperate with DH too. But never told him about MM. We had issues that all he knew. That time, I knew, I fell so hard and deep. And it was so painful. I felt I lost a battle and lost so much. MM still contacts me but same situation. Still on his terms.
After 3 months out of job, I got a new job. Very nice package but one that will put a distance to me and MM. Job requires me to relocate and travel a lot. I took the opportunity with MM's suggestion. And that time, I was so scared I would lose him. And yes, I did. But I was me who decided to let go.
Work kept me occupied and gave me a second chance to live a new life. And everytime, i would talk to MM, he just makes me feel sad. Somehow, i realized, i dont like this kind of life anymore, I cant continue to be sad. There'll be times when Im so happy, he'd talk to me and say beautiful things to fool me. Then when I start to ask about us, he'd remind me again where I stand. And constantly, it hurts me.
It's been four months now that I havent seen him. Four months that I have been trying to move on. I know I stumble a couple of times but I at least, I know I'll never go back. I guess, the first thing to healing and recovery is just to acceptance and forgiveness. I dont understand how to accept and forgive myself before. But I guess, you just have to make a choice!
So, sorry for a long message. But Im just here to help inspire you. There is hope my friends. And remember, you have a choice!
Ur_sweetiee

Congrats on making such a life-changing decision!
How is the relationship with DH going? Any better? Or, is it over, too?
~Chris~<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
My relationship with DH? We're friends now though i decided to seperate with him. I think that will be best for both of us now. Who knows, we might just end up together again someday. But would like to take my time by myself for a while to heal. Dont want to be unfair to him.
Thanks for replying.