Just need to get this out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Just need to get this out...
9
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 10:07am

Hi All,


I thought I was doing pretty well, but the last few days have been very tough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 10:25am
MM was your escape from your RL. Right now you are idolizing XMM because you thought of him as your savior so to speak. He was suppose to save you from your RL. The only problem is that XMM seemed so appealing because you weren't living with him day in and day out. I will bet the firm if you asked his W (the person who sees all of him, warts and all) about his quirks you will find that XMM isn't as perfect as you think. You never really get to see the real person when you are having an A. While in an A we put on our best behavior. In a M there is no where to hide who you really are from your spouse. They get the good, bad and the ugly because you are with them in RL. If the comment your DH made about the clothing bothered you then deal with it right then. Don't ignore it and use XMM (knight in shining armour) as an escape. I can guarantee you that I am M to the most wonderful man on the planet but he runs hot and cold sometimes also. If you talk to any woman they will tell you that men have a way of escaping to their man cave at times. Also, you might need some more time apart from your DH to decide if you really want to repair your M. Just make sure that your M is what you want and that you can commit to your M 100% without bringing a third party into it as an escape. Believe me, those beautiful little eyes need his mom totally present in his life not running around being with a MM while she is M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 11:11am

Mickey, what your husband said about the clothes sounds exactly like something my husband would say. So I know how that feels. My husband will take everything out of my car and pile it on the floor before he

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 12:39pm

Hi Mickey,


What you are experiencing is very normal. You are still in the process of letting go of the fantasy of the A while trying to redirect your energy into your M and your RL.


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Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 1:35pm

Thanks bandk73,


I do think that it partly is that I feel I have no personal space anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 1:46pm

Hi Empower,


You've given me a lot to think about....thank you.


You asked, 'Is it that he makes you feel like he is trying to control the situation? When he says he is going to throw your clothes on the floor, does it make you feel scared like when he use to get angry and aggressive before? Have it clear in your mind exactly what it is that bothers you and how it makes you feel so you can be clear when you bring it to his attention.'


He makes me feel like a child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 3:18pm

Mickey

There's soooo many things that my xAP did or said to me that my H would NEVER ever do or say in a million years. My H loves me so much and seems to always have my/our best interests at heart. And yes, I am STILL making excuses for xAP!!!! Although...they are slowly diminishing with each day :) My xAP was brought up with abuse and extreme disadvantage, bad role modelling etc etc. He drifted in and out of jobs before settling into his current which he's had for the last 8 years and is very good at it (Youth Support Worker). He has had depression for the last 5 years, is a heavy binge drinker, turns to pot to escape from his 'issues' and isn't the best communicator. However, my H grew up in a very stable family with 3 brothers, all involved in lots of sporting activities, very involved parents and a mother who doted on him. Go figure why I 'fell for' xAP!!! Needless to say I DO find it difficult at times to not feel sorry for him. But something my H has pointed out to me, is that people need to be held accountable for their choices in life eventually. We CAN choose the paths we take, and if that's improving ourselves and our lives then so be it. xAP has and still has the chance and choice to do that, and I'm not at all responsible for his life in any way.

Didn't know where all that was going, but I got it out anyway! mickey I wish you all the best and am thinking of you - I hope that your husband begins listening to what you need and what will contribute to you both living together happily, for your sakes and for your son's sake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 4:55pm

Thanks bestrong,


My H and ex-MM both had childhood issues, and both have parents that divorced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 12:08am

Okay...right to the nitty gritty because this has gotten under my skin.


About men...I find


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 11:19am

Hi Mickey,


Hope you are having a more uplifting day today.


You’ve gotten a lot of great advice. However, I would not recommend sarcasm even in a kidding way with someone who has a history of anger and aggression such as your H. I know other factors were in play when he was exhibiting those behaviors that are not in play now but I also know what works in one relationship may not work in the next.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.