Just Need a Pep Talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Just Need a Pep Talk
13
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 1:45pm

Hi,


Me again....I'm just having a hard time trying to process everything.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 2:33pm

hey Mickey,

Remember me? I used to be SJ. You and I used to post back and forth all the time. I think we started in Dec. Where ya been? Well guess it does not matter, I may have missed a post from you, so sorry if I am off. But just know that I am happy you are back.

Need a pep talk....well here it goes. I was feeling pretty down last week. I had some fishing attempts like you. If you remember my story, you will know why the last one almost had me wanting to act a damn fool. I wanted to call him, his wife, hell, I woulda called his momma if I could. It was that bad. I was angry, bitter and very sad. I came here, like you did. Good thing I did and good thing you did too.

I was never so tempted to break NC. I mean it was fierce, I had to leave my house so my kids would not see me so upset. But I came here and I posted and then I pulled my act together and focused on getting my daughter to her first real party. She looked stunning and I was so proud and we had such a good time getting her ready. Thoughts of Exap and his fishing attempt and my urge to respond passed. It was hell, but I got thru it with the help of the board. I had not felt so out of control in so long. My point is, I can relate.

Now to you, sounds like the fog has lifted. U r seeing him for what he really is. Yeah that is a tough one. I have had the same realizations. MM are cowards. Yours sounds a hell of lot like mine, they do not want to let us go but are too afraid to leave their W's and are perfectly content with stringing us along to continue to their cake time....we do it too. Doubt that he will ever show or feel remorse, they may act remorseful but that is just part of their act to get us back in. Everything you described seems very much like u have grown very much. That you are seeing your A for all that it was. That is huge.

The validation part, that has to come from within you. He can never really validate you. He likely never will. Ur investment in him...No return. And guess what? You do not want it anymore from the sound of your post. What are you missing exactly? Nothing to write home about eh? That validation you yearn for, that had to come from you. This is tough. I am working at it still. Good days, some bad, mostly good. I tell myself, I am worthy, I tell myself I am the shiz (Dee's word). I tell myself that God had forgiven me and that I can not change the past. But today, TODAY, I can control. I can make conscious and positive choices.

Try to forgive yourself, if you have not so. That is something that is easier said than done, but what can you do about the past? U can learn from it, but not dwell in it. U have to take one day at a time, Sure we will think about him, but I am sure you noticed that it is less and less....

Now I know those fishing attempts put us in a damn whirlwind. Man oh man, do they suck....ok, maybe that was a bad word. But I am sure you get my point. Do your best to continue to ignore those fishing attempts. Maybe it was just a hang up? So best not to respond...shouldnt respond anyway. Why get pulled back in? U have to maintain NC...to break it is like death. No one comes here with a good break in contact story. NONE. and I been here a lil while.

U can not expect someone like you have described to take responsibility for themselves and their behaviors....all you can do is stop focusing on him whom you have no control over, and instead, put that energy into you.

I am sorry about your H. I wish that you did not have that situation. When you have despair at home it makes that A looks better, even when it is not. Have you tried MC? Just a thought.

Please keep at work that keeps you busy. But get into something stress free that is just for you. I dont know what you might like or be good at but everyone has something that gives them relief from the ways of this hectic world. Some people its working out, knitting, their kids, coaching, a book club, gardening, reading, cooking class, hell there is something for you somewhere. Maybe salsa dancing...those classes are such fun and guess what, most people there can not dance and just want to learn to do a two step and not trip...so whatever floats your boat, dive into it in your spare time. Find some just for you time.

Hope I helped. Hang in there and come back sooner than later. Good to hear from you and keep us updated....and let me know if ya need anything else.

I will be around all day....slow day of work,

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 3:07pm
One day you will be thankful that MM didn't leave his W. It sounds like ending your M is the right thing to do but by no means should you leave a toxic M to enter a relationship where you know the man is a cheater/liar. You are doing the right thing by getting into T. I ended my M a couple of weeks ago and I am in T and it is helping me to see real problems I have within me. Allowing yourself to be a third wheel into someone's M and then expecting them to leave is not healthy for you. The waiting on him to leave; believing that what he tells you is true. Even if he were to leave, you have taught this man (who has already shown you that he isn't into monogamy). What kind of relationship do you think him and you have had once you have already shown him that you are willing to throw all of your dignity to the wayside just for him. Also what coping skills do you have now? I am not judging because I ended my A a year ago. But our coping skills are off. If you don't get into T and find out why you are making unhealthy choices (me too). If you and MM got together it would be trouble from the start, trust me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 3:44pm

Thanks luvin and mom for your replies....gave me a lot to think about.


Luvin...to answer your question....yes, DH and I have done MC 3 different times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 4:50pm

This is what time can only tell u. Your post says it. U r the winner here. U manAged to escape. She got what? A lying cheating fake, come on. U r the lucky one Mickey. My mm promised me the moon and stars above...even a baby. All the while his W was pregnant. Hell, I used to feel cheated. I used to feel like he got off Scott free. He has the good life. No sweetie. Not at all. We all pay our dues. We all get a bill in the game of life. You may never know it, but he will get his. You can't put out that much bad n it not come back on ya.

N just think, say he actually left her. Ur financial circumstances would not be much better. She likely gees the big house, cars, child support and alimony. Ugh, he would have little for himself, let alone you. Not to mention, he is a lying cheat. So what about this picture is alluring to you. Where does that leave u best case scenario. As iddy might say, thank your lucky stars he chose her. And now u can make a choice to be the best person u can be for u and ur son.

Being angry is part of the process. But know that W ain't happy, I don't care how many vacations they go on and how big their house is. Material things don't mean crap. What u said in ur post about being with someone who is all yours and only yours. That's real talk. That's where u shine. U know what's good and healthy. Go for that and leave exap where he belongs. In the past.

It's all about you now.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 5:06pm

Thanks luvin,


I hear what you're saying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 5:56pm

Hi Mickey-


I could have written this word for word: There was a time when I thought I'd fight for 'us'.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 6:56pm

Mickey,

"Anyway, the jealousy gets to me when he talks to me about it. I don't think he realizes how I feel about it."

Hope I am reading this wrong. you know you need not be having any communication with ExAP. NONE. ZILCH, NADA. Nothing. If you have not started NC, what better time than now? Now you are cheating yourself...now you are hurting yourself. U need to remove yourself from their lives. The less you know about them the better. You should not have to hear about their vacation homes....but you are putting yourself in a position to hurt and be envious. CUT THE CORD, if you have not done so.

Yeah, you are whining. But I gotta tell ya, thats his W, your not, I do not care what he told you. She is the W. U are OW. U do not get the vacation home. And so what if her or his parents spoil them. Guess what, none of your business. None of your concern. They are a couple. They are legally bound to one another. He owes you nothing. Its hard to hear. I know. I am not trying to hurt ya. I am trying to get you to see that you have no business sweating what you have nothing to do with. That is their lives. U r not a part of that and although it hurts. That is reality. Sure, it hurts. I am sorry, I could cuddle you but I am no enabler. You have to change your entire course of thinking. It aint easy but can be done.

I am investing this time in these posts because I think you can lick this, I have felt so much of what you have. I was jealous of MM telling me about a new home he was buying for his W. He told me he had to do stuff like that sometimes just to make her happy. This was after our Dday and it was him making up for having me in his life, him making up for getting me P. She got a new house....I got thrown under the bus so fast, I did not even see it coming. It hurt like hell. Turns out all that was a lie to hurt me, his home is in foreclosure, they are looking to rent another house....his credit is shot. He has nothing to offer me and never did or would he. I am all the better he is gone. So are you despite the circumstances, even tho you do not see it right now.

I am going to tell you one last time, FOCUS ON YOU. If you need to get it out, make it a goal to fester in that mess up to 15 mins....time yourself if you have to. Then move on. Train your brain. Say "STOP" out loud. I can not tell you how many times I wouls say this out of nowhere in the shower, in the car, in the store....my kids would look at me like I was crazy at first, then they realized I would be having conversations with myself. As time goes on, you give yourself less time. Journaling worked great for me too. Find your outlet. Its about you getting your back. U have to try to stop with the obsessive thinking. It does you no good. The minute you start to lessen those thoughts you will see the healing begin.

I know what it is to work hard. Be proud of that. You may not have everything you want, but at least your will have yourself and dignity and that is more than most wealthy people can say. You should be so proud that you take care of you. And having great parents is amazing. Be thankful, one of mine is dead and the other is no shining example of motherhood. U may have not have the nicest things in life but hell you have love from them and your son and that is better than any yacht....KNOW THAT.

Now, clear up this NC thing. I am sure you know this is an enders board. I am here to help you and be supportive, but you gotta do your part.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 7:02pm

Luvin ...

I just want to thank you for all your incredible posts today. I have soaked in every word. I truly appreciate the time and energy that goes into each and every post made to assist each of us with this ending process.

I never want those ahead of us to not feel appreciated for the patience and dedication you demonstrate day in and day out.

I can't wait (too) to be an example for others.

Thank you,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 7:42pm

TU,

Thank you hun, nice to know someone is reading my posts and it is sinking in and helping. It has not been that long since I felt all you did, so I can still really relate.
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But honestly, no thanks is necessary. There were posters who invested time in me. I am just paying it forward. I was a hot mess and people like Iddy, Clarity and of course E-1 took some time and invested in me. They set me straight, they never waivered. They never compromised what this board stands for. They gave me tough love when I needed it, they just let me vent when I needed and I never got some generic response. They actually took the time to read and respond to my posts in detail. They helped the fog lift and they helped me take the A and how MM treated me not so personally. Some of these MM are not even aware of what they do to us....we take the rejection so personally, we beat ourselves up to a pulp, when in essence the most of the problem is within them. I am not saying we are not responsible for our own demise, I am saying these men have usually done this before and we are just one of their conquests. Its not personal to them, to us it is. Once I saw what a sociopath and serial cheater exAp was that fog lifted and I began to heal.

And even then it was hard to believe I had fallen for such a loser. So again, thanks but no thank you necessary. I am healing me as I help heal others. I feel good about it. It helps me stay focused every time I write NC. It reminds me. I get as much as I give and am all the better for it.

You will be a tweener and be giving all the same back one day soon....

Brazos,

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 9:51pm

Luvin,


I don't have much time to post, but did want to clarify that I'm not in contact right now w/ex-MM.

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