just need some hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
just need some hugs
2
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 3:38pm
I haven't posted in a long time, but I continue to lurk. My EMA started in 1998 and ended in 2000, but we have continued to work together and that makes it hard. My EMA ended because we both wanted to be together and couldn't. We were both married at the time and we are of different races and live in a small southern town that doesn't accept interracial relationships. It has been hell trying to move on with my life. I quit my job this week where I work with x-OM(it was just my part time job, not my primary job) because I can't take the torture any more of being around x-OM. I love him very deeply. I don't know which is worse, seeing him and not being able to have him or not ever seeing him and not knowing how he is doing. Trust me, we cannot ever be together as long as we live here. My family and my husband found out about x-OM and it had made our lives hell. My family doesn't want anything to do with me now and calls me white trash. My husband is willing to work things out but he told me that he would never accept me being with x-OM. He told me that if I tried to be with x-OM that he would make sure that our lives were miserable and that we would never make it as a couple. My husband has this kind of power in the town that we live in. The only way that x-OM and I could be together would be to move away. We can't do that right now. We both have families here and we were raised here. Our jobs are here and we each have over 20 years with our jobs. x-OM's mother is also ill, so I can understand him not wanting to move away from her. My husband threatened to beat x-OM up, so he started to be very distant with me. That is another reason that I decided to quit my part time job where I worked with x-OM. x-OM was scared and my husband constantly had people watching us. I couldn't even continue to be a work friend with x-OM. I know my husband has a right to be mad, but this is a little bit too much for me. I will never be able to go anywhere again without him watching me. He is so happy that I quit my job. He wanted me away from x-OM. I miss x-OM so much. I know that I truly love him. We have had NC several times before and my feelings for him never changed. I don;t love the feeling that he gave me, I love HIM. I know the difference. I feel for any of you that are going through the withdrawel. It is horrible. The hardest part is listening to people tell me that I didn't love him, that I loved the feeling that he gave me, bull---t. I have been going through this for 7 years and I know how I feel. I know the difference between the two. I love this man for who he is. He is not perfect and has lots of flaws, but I don't care. I still love him. I know it will get easier some with time, but I also know that I will always love him to some degree and he was the one that I wanted to be with. I just needed to vent. Hugs to all of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 4:04pm

I know what you mean about people telling you how you what is love and what isn't. No one can make that determination but YOU. So I won't tell you that, if you feel love, then you do indeed love. I wasn't looking for love, I could have had a sex-only A with him because it was initally a strong physical attraction between us, but those damn feelings got in the way and complicated things way too much for me.

Anyway, I'm surprised you held that job as long as you did with your H knowing your X worked there too. If my H found out about my A, he'd kick my a$$ (or maybe kill me out of rage), then he'd throw me and my stuff out. There'd be no working on our marriage if I was ever found out.

The feelings you still have for your XMM hasn't lessened any because you were still seeing him at work. Maybe you'll be able to move on now, but be patient with yourself.

I can hear your pain. Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 7:45pm

I can feel your hurt too. We are all here for you. Find the strength within yourself to move on if that is what you want to do. It scares me that you said your A ended 5 yrs. ago and yet you are not over him. Will that be me in 5 yrs? I work with my xMM also. It is my primary job. I can't just quit. My H at the time (D now) wanted me too, but I never did. I built my career there, I didn't want to start all over. I also didn't want to leave MM. So maybe, this is the final break you needed to let him go. I know how hard it is to see him everyday but know you can't be with him. It's torture. I try to ignore it most days. Now you have made me think....maybe I will never be able to move on working with him everyday. You have definately made me think about this...

I hope you can find your happiness, lots of hugs.