Just need some support
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| Mon, 01-03-2005 - 9:32am |
Hi I just need to vent a little and get the support that I see everyone else getting. A bit of history, I started an A 1½ years ago with a MM who is a friend of the family. We did not have IC until after 4 months. The first 8 months were wonderful. We spoke everyday, emailed, text and it was a mutual satisfying relationship. It made me happy which carried over into my ife with H. I enjoyed the attention, excitement, passion and the friendship.
The last 8 months things have changed. We would go three or four days without talking always initiated by me. I brought it up to him and he said he was busy, blah, blah. I should have seen the signs. Finally last week we were together and he did not call me for 4 days. I wrote him the email and told him it was over. He called the next day and said he was sorry. He has been so paranoid about being caught. I told he does not need to worry about it any longer. I told him we never speak like friends anymore and that I did not need a physical relationship. He told me he understood, but wanted to talk to me sometimes. I will not answer the phone if he calls. At first I felt bad for him, but he never cared about my feelings. He knew what I wanted and still could not give it to me. If he calls, he will be calling to make himself feel better, not me.
I have no intention of resuming this, but at some point I will have to see him as I am sure something in our social circle will put us together.
Anyway this is long enough. I have no one to talk to about this and I am just in a melancoly mood even though I know I am better off. Thanks

I also had an A with a man in our social circle. I cancelled plans at the last minute for the holidays where I knew he was going to be. I kidded myself that we'd still be able to be friends after we ended the A. But I'm finding that harder and harder to keep going. I'm angry at him..because he's still able to go out to the places all our friends go, and he gets to keep all the friends too. He can see me, and it doesn't seem to affect him, ..and I think that's why seeing him is so hard for me..he seems so unaffected and is simply going on with his life.
I recognize alot of me in what you wrote. Especially that the A was so satisfying in the beginning, with all the emails, phone calls, etc..then you notice things aren't quite the same. My A went on for 3 years, only half of that time was good, the second half of the relationship was filled with nothing but suspicion for me, as I kept wondering why he wasn't as jealous as he once was, why he didn't ask questions of me that he normally would have, he didn't try as hard to see me, etc.. I was no longer getting what I needed from this, and he seemed to be content to where things had settled.
Well, I didn't want to be an "old comfortable relationship" like he had with his wife. I wanted it to be stimulating and exciting, to where he was still anxious to see me and talk to me. I noticed that missing. You and I have the sense enough to realize something has changed. And if we are not getting what we need from the A, it's hardly worth the risks we take to carry it on.
I had a very rough weekend, because the past 3 years I spent ringing it in with him...and there he was, with all our friends, and here I am, feeling like I lost everything.
ADP
You have discovered the truth that if you want to end a friendship have an affair works everytime, sorry don't mean to sound flip.
Your going to go through these periods but they will pass in time, your best tool is NO CONTACT even if it costs you something.
Have you confronted your husband about what it is that your not getting from your marriage that may have led to the affair, can you define it clearly enough for him to understand ?
Hang in there it will get better.
Free
"hurt pup
You and I have the sense enough to realize something has changed. And if we are not getting what we need from the A, it's hardly worth the risks we take to carry it on."
It took me a good long while to get to this point, but the risk is great and not worth it unless I am getting what I need. Are you M?
And Free, thanks for the comment. It is not flip, it is so true. I think I would rather have the emotional part back and the friendship, but it is too late for that. My situation is unique in that my H has chronic neck problems which limits him physically and can not do much. I know the A gave me the freedom to have IC wildly without someone hurting afterwards. I know it sounds terrible, because my H is a great guy and does not deserve any of this. I am content with my decision to end things. Although I know I will still be thinking about it. Thank you