Just need some support

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Just need some support
10
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 1:03pm
I should be feeling very happy right now, but instead I'm very sad.

I had an A with a much younger woman who started out as a friend. She and I fell for each other hard. I ended up getting separated and my W filed for divorce. But she didn't really want to be divorced. The OW and I saw each other when we could, but she lives 5 hours away so it was difficult. Plus the age issue caused us difficulties with her family. After 8 months together, the age difference and the fact we were long distance basically came to a head and she was forced to end things even though neither of us truly wanted that.

In the two months since then, she and I have tried to move on the best we can. One thing that developed for me is I started talking to my W on a different level again and realized she and I still have something worth saving. This weekend I am moving back home and I should be thrilled, but instead I'm nervous and sad. I told the OW Tuesday (she and I have stayed in touch and tried to remain friends) and she took it pretty hard. I guess she was holding on to hopes we might still end up together someday. I keep reading through old e-mails from the OW when I shouldn't be. Thinking about what might have been rather than focusing on what is.

I guess I'm just hoping some of you here might have been through the same thing and can give me some words of encouragement. I'm trying hard not to cry at my desk right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:11pm
hi,

From my point of view I think that A's that start from being friends first are the hardest to get over.

I have often said to my (now x)OM that if he was some stranger that I barely knew that it would be easier to end things.

The fact is that when you have to end an A with someone who is also a friend, you feel like you are not only cutting off the physical side of things but also some of the friendship part.

Everyones opinion is NO CONTACT! like it's some kind of cure all. I know I can survive without the physical side of my relationship with XOM but the friendship? What a shame to lose such a good friend.

Anyway enough about ME! WE're meant to be discussing YOU!

So you and OW started of as friends. Things didn't work out because of age/ long distance and you decided to end it.

You clearly have alot of feelings for OW. You seperated from your wife and you admit that you didn't want this to end.

Is it possible you are trying again with the W because it's the next best thing to OW. Sort of a 2nd choice?

Two months isn't really enough time for you to figure out whats best for you. Is there any way you could get some time on your own to work out what it is that would make you really happy?

Please keep me posted

mx

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anonymous user
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:13pm
Hiya Omaha,

You're almost always amongst the first to help & support others on MAS, my apologies for not reaching out sooner.

You know well that the ending of any relationship is a gruelling grieving process marked by the full gamut of emotions similar to any bereavement. In reality, it matters little the reasons why or who broke up with whom, it just plain hurts. Much as I wish I could offer some quick-fix cure-all, there just isn't one.

Feel the pain, and allow yourself to grieve, Omaha. So often we've unknowingly used our affair partners as a bandage for older, deeper wounds, hence equally often that bandage being ripped off (whether suddenly or even verrrry slowly matters little) results in uncovering a whole host of partially healed wounds beneathe even that considerable surface hurt.

Is your W aware of OW whether personally or peripherally? Or that you've have a meaningful relationship? You mention that although you separated and W filed for divorce, she didn't really want to be divorced. What has changed that you see your W in a different light?

Know that we are here and that there are those of us feeling that same pain, and some recently out of it, some much further along. Regardless, we're here.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:33pm
Thank you for the kind words posie. They mean a lot.

I am scared, I guess, that I'm feeling all of these emotions so heavily as I grow nearer to moving back in with my W. Maybe it is just the finality of it all, but I am so sad today. The OW has called me a couple of times today and told me she will no longer be able to talk to me after today. While I know that is the best thing for both of us, it is also incredibly sad. She was more than just someone I was using to fill a gap in my life. She and I built a relationship based on true thoughts and feelings and that is very difficult to let go of. It may have started because I had a void in my life, but it turned into so much more. And I guess that is what hurts so much. I don't feel like I'm just losing an OW, but like I'm losing my best friend.

My W is aware of the OW and knows that I still have talked to her occasionally. She isn't happy about it, but I have asked her to trust me and she is doing very well with it. The main thing is I now trust myself. I would not go back to the OW now even if she begged and told me she would do anything to be with me. I have chosen my M and my W and that is a decision I believe in. My W filed for divorce because she was hurt. Since my R with the OW ended, my W and I started talking again and really reconnected. She acknowledges the things she did that drove us apart and I acknowledge my mistakes too. I know there is something there worth fighting for and that is what we're doing. It isn't so much how my W has changed as it is how much I've changed that makes the difference. I used to be a doormat, I'm not anymore. And ironically, it is because of my relationship with the OW that I am so much stronger. It sounds ridiculous, but it was my R with her that caused me to realize that fidelity is the only choice for me. I couldn't imagine cheating on her and I now realize that I can have that same feeling with my W.

All of this is very upsetting to me today. The OW is someone I need to let go and I hope she finds what she deserves in life. I probably wasn't the best choice for her anyway. She is much younger than I am and has a life to live. It's just hard to care so deeply about someone and then realize you'll never see them or talk to them again. It's almost like having someone you love die. Only worse because you know they're out there and you just can't ever see them. I guess you probably all know this feeling. But it's new to me.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:54pm
Omaha,

Your message brought so many emotions up in me that I have been trying to get over here these past few months. First a little about me.. My Xmm and I are both married and

have children and we had a LD relationship also. He was the closest friend that I have ever had. Then one day he told me that he loved me. From then on things were never the same. He moved out during our A for a few months to try to figure out what he wanted in life. He did end up moving back home and we tried to be just friends but both of our spouses knew about the A and he knew if his W found out it would be over between them.

For us it was the distance, our children, as well as the fact that we were both the main roviders for our families which we based our going NC on. The last few times that he talked to me he said that his wife was doing more for the family and being there for him like never before. I really do hope that she is still doing that for him giving him the love and support that he needs.

Don't torture yourself with the emails it took all I could to gather up all of them that I had and lock them and the pictures of us together away. If going home and rebuilding your marriage is what you want go there giving it all you have. Things aren't the greatest between H and I right now there is a lot of issues we are trying to work on.

But we are talking and that is a start. Not sure if this marriage will last but I am going to give it all I can.

More than anything these past few months I have come to realize I miss his friendship more than I ever thought possible.


Hoping the Best For You

Lost


Edited 10/7/2004 3:11 pm ET ET by lostnhim

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 4:21pm
Omaha, I can relate to everything you are feeling, as my relationship with MM was based on a friendship as well (we were former lovers but remained friends for nine years now, then it started up again recently). It's hard - harder than losing the lover is losing the friend and confidant. I have also recommitted to my marriage, and I am hoping MM and I can be friends again somewhere down the line, but we had such an intense love for eachother, that I am not sure that is possible at this point. I really feel your pain. It's hard when (in my case as well) both people really want to be together, but for whatever the reason, it just can't be a "real" relationship. Such is the problem with affairs. (I have to say, I hate to call mine an "affair", because it was just SO much more). MM and I also have an age issue, and it's not so much about the gap (he is 10 yrs older), because it's not too big - it's more of the fact that we are at different places in our lives. His children are in their late teens, and I have a young child and want to have another. Neither one of us wants to end this, we just know it's headed nowhere and as time goes on, and our feelings get stronger, we both get more frustrated knowing we can't go anywhere, that we have no future, and we are going to have to keep this secret going on for who knows how long.

I know it's hard on both of you, but you need to focus on your wife, who sounds like a really understanding person who obviously loves you a lot. Stick with your decision, it is the right one. I am sure it will get easier in time, as it will for all of us.

I hope to someday think back about my MM fondly and with happiness - and I hope you can as well. Try to focus on the new beginning for you and your wife, and look ahead, not back. I know it's hard. I feel for you, I really do.

Keep us posted on your progress. I wish you peace and happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 4:30pm
Ironically, I think the worst part of all of this is hurting my OW. I adore her and can't stand the thought of her in pain. But I think the best thing I can do for her is stay away. She will always be the most amazing person I've ever known. I will have to let her go and know that she will make it through this and come out better on the other side. I was just listening to a CD and a song on it and the lyrics really struck me so I thought I'd post them:

Letter to a Friend

by Warrant

I'm alive and you're alive

And don't we both deserve to be happy?

We realize we're not the same

So no one here should take the blame,

It's okay to walk away

And live to love another day,

This is not a fairytale

This is life and sometimes life...fails

Thought I'd let you know

Just before you go

It's alright

Make your brand new start

Keep me in your heart

You'll be fine

That's reality

As water flows beneath the bridge

We're learning how to forgive

As milk spreads out across the floor

We both agree it's not worth fighting for

Thought I'd let you know

Just before you go

It's alright

Make your brand new start

Keep me in your heart

You'll be fine

That's reality

Nothings perfect except God and a California sunset

So we're not perfect it doesn't mean we're bad

There's a place in the sun for everyone, you've just got to find it

I wish you luck with yours

I have to go and find mine

Thought I'd let you know

Just before you go

It's alright

Make your brand new start

Keep me in your heart

You'll be fine

That's reality

That's reality

That's reality


Edited 10/7/2004 4:33 pm ET ET by omahainlove

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 4:37pm
Omaha, those lyrics were touching. I should send them to MM. The last conversation I had with him (a week ago - this JUST ended), I told him I just could not have contact with him anymore, it was too hard. He was the one to end it, but he wanted to be friends, I feel I cannot, at least not yet. Anyway, he said he will always love me, and that will never change, but our relationship was just too stressful to continue. I said to him that it's just not fair. And he said "I always told you, life is not fair". I keep hearing him in my head saying that, and it just tears me apart.

It isn't fair, is it?

Hugs to you, hope tomorrow is a better day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 5:00pm
If life were fair, I would have met my OW when I was 18...and she and I would have been the same age. But life isn't fair and sometimes I think things happen for a reason and we just can't always see it. I have two beautiful and incredible children from this M and I know for a fact my W loves me with all her heart. I should count my blessings that she is able to forgive me and wants to build things with me again.

I will always love my OW. I know that. But it is time to let her go. I only hope she finds the life and love that she deserves. I realize now I can't save her or help her. She has to do that herself.

Thanks again everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 7:04pm
Omaha,

If you're not truly happy about moving back home, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it right now. I can understand being nervous about it, but sad? It doesn't sound to me like you're doing it for the right reasons. Maybe you should wait.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 12:00am
I don't know if it is that I'm unhappy about moving home. It is more apprehension because it is a life I have been away from for 5 months. And I don't want to fall back into the same patterns so I'm very aware of that. I don't think those feelings are necessarily negative. In fact, I think it is a good thing I'm feeling them because I think it is good to be aware that you need to work to make a relationship good again.

What I am sad about is that I believe this will be the end of my friendship with the one person who probably knows and understands me better than anyone. That's a very difficult thing to face. I guess it has a level of finality I wasn't prepared for.

But I made a choice to move back and I believe in that choice. I'm going to give it my all and hope that this is a commitment I'll look back on and smile. I'm also hoping that once I get back there I'll start to feel more comfortable. I do know my W loves me more than anything and I love her. It's just a little scary. It almost feels like getting married again, only even more important, if that makes sense.