Just need to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2008
Just need to vent
10
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 11:31pm
I am just having a really hard time right now and if I have learned one thing on this board, it is when we are having a hard time, come here and just let it out. It's not that I am missing him, it is that I am having so many mixed feelings about these past two years and I am seeing more and more the good reasons for stopping and not giving him his "feel goods" anymore. What the hell have I gotten out of it?? I say nice things, I run and get him lunch, I touch him passionately, I would do anything for him. And here is what I get in return: His wife gets all his time. His wife gets 2-3 NICE vacations every year. His wife gets the mansion on the hill. His wife gets the expensive therapy. (Because she is a psycho!)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 11:44pm

I could have written this post.. This is pretty much how I feel about it. I did it all for him and got absolutely nothing in return, but heartbreak and unfulfilled promises. I'm angry at myself and him too but at least we took action and are refusing to give all of ourselves to them any longer.


You had me laughing with the psycho line.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 12:00am

How ironic is this - seems that a lot of xAP's describe their W as a psycho. Mine did too. Not using those words, of course he's too polite for that (!) but said she's crazy many times, so cold and crazy.


Ok am i completely nuts, too, or is he WILLINGLY going to this psycho every single day while leaving ME, his "real love" to go home to my H.


what is wrong with this picture?

Sunshine


.

Sunshine

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 9:21am

((Mom_Sunny))

Venting is good. It let's you get it out of your system and if this doesn't work, vent again and again. ;-)

<>

Settling for crumbs. We all were. A good line for putting it all into perspective is, "They live a life and 1/2 while we were living 1/2 a life."

I'm sure you have also read on here, "Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option." That's what the OW is; an option. We put it all out there but that is not what they are looking for. They want their little cheerleader to be peppy, spunky, pretty, and puffing up their egos. You see, they aren't getting that at home anymore so they seek it outside of the home. They don't want drama, guilt trips, or ultimatums. They just want you to be happy with the crumbs they do toss out. Shame on us for ever wanting more and spoiling the fantasy.

For those of you who have heard the "I love you" line, try to understand that this is how they keep you right where they want you. You are filling emotional/physical needs that are not forthcoming at home they way they used to. Those of you who are M should understand this. The well of attention slowly dries up and if you don't keep refilling it, you will look for this attention somewhere else. You find/meet another willing participant who is craving validation, and an affair is born. As women, we read so much more into what an A is than men do. They consider us as an enhancement, not as a replacement. Once you understand this, it will become easier for you to see the truth. I know, accepting this truth is very difficult because we "thought" we meant so much more to them, but affairs are not about everlasting love and happily ever after.

Reality bites, no doubt, but coming to terms with what this was really all about will help you to recover more quickly.

((Hugs))

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 9:45am

It is amazing to stop and think about how we were ok with getting

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 9:46am

Mom_sunny,


Have you met his wife?

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 10:54am

Hi Mom,


I think we all feel the way you do once the fog starts to lift.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 11:14am

<

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2008
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 11:24am
oh yes! I have met his wife and unfortunately, it is very true! He spent a boat load of money putting her through therapy because she is a little off. OM and I also have mutual friends and I hear it from them as well. In fact, OM has lost friends recently because of his wife's antics. This makes it worse for me knowing that yes, he chooses to go home to "psycho wife" when he could see what he could have had with me! One time we were texting and we had got on the subject of sex and how his wife..um..never puts out...and he proceeded to tell me how "good" he was-(I'll never know-our affair was emotional) and when I asked what her problem was then, he replied "she's nuts!" But he was not kidding-his wife does have some deep problems. But that is no longer MY problem anymore. Guess it was good he chose the psycho. He would have made my life a living hell had I slept with him like I shamefully wanted to. It all worked out for the best in the end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 11:30am

Thanks Iddy....maybe that was someone else's quote, or maybe I changed it myself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 11:41am

Thanks for this post and all the replies they're totally spot on! I cannot honestly believe I settled for so little and thought it was so much, I thought I meant so much to xAP thought it was real.

I read somewhere that A's enable people to say married and I think that's true in my case. I was just enough of a distraction ... xAP will move on to someone new and still remain happily married.

I'm thankful I'm out of it. We deserve much more than some lame, crumby, secret relationship :)

Roxy