Just over 6 weeks NC n Gettin it???!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Just over 6 weeks NC n Gettin it???!!!
4
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 10:17am

Hello ALL,

Woke up this morning with strong thoughts of Exap. I guess its Saturday and I laid here for a while. Unlike other times when I think of him. They were just thoughts...that is it. It was about 15 mins or so. There was not pain with these thoughts. It was more like me really thinking about all the times I should have seen that he was a very, very, insecure man. The times I should have said, ughh...your story is not adding up here. The times I should have let him go before I knew he was married etc...
They were little things. But they were there. Clearly there. I thought it about his personality. The things that are engraved in him. The things that are so part of his very being that will make him have a sad existence unless one day he gets to a T. But that is so unlikely. Mater Manipulators... They can be very dangerous people. And I was available and was a good, easy, target for him, and once he had me, he knew he has me.

The lies. well, that is so common here, we all know that, with him, there are way too many to count. Way too many. The lies hurt less, actually they do not hurt much at all. I just see them and think, WOW.
He was so good, so crafty. Did it all so naturally. Never stumbled or flinched.

I am just happy to have made it this far. I have been tempted soooooo tempted to break NC, triggers, but they pass, they pass faster, my heart aches less n i believe I am a bit stronger than I was the day before....He take up less and less of my day and my time. STAYING BUSY IS KEY!!!

Sure, there are my moments, but overall, I am better. And I am happy. N I laugh. N I smile.

Thankful to all of you. So thankful. This board and my kids have helped so much. I will stay here. I will be here even when I am a vet...I owe it to others to give back, I owe it to myself.

More to say but gotta go to a kids BBall game and actually pay attention completely and ENJOY it!!
I will post more later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 12:37pm
It sounds like you are doing so much better today. You have worked so hard to get through this. I have followed your story and I have to say that you are quite strong given the hand you have been dealt. I so agree with you that staying busy is key. That's the only thing besides this board that has kept me from a breakdown. Hang tough, SJ! You are doing great!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 5:31pm

Hey there~


I'm so happy to hear you're overall doing better! You seem to be on the same time table as me in terms of when you really started to feel better and enjoy things in your life (Like you said, your kids' ball game).


A

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 7:57am

((Siennajaden))


Your post really touched my heart this morning. To see someone in so much pain as you were when you first came here to seeing you now, is the transformation us vets pray for. We know that there is life after an affair but there are no words that can properly convey this to newbies because it is something you have to find out for yourselves. All we can do is hope and pray that time will do it's magic and allow your heart to heal, but YOU have to give time the

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 11:25am

Sienna,


I'm so glad for you. You have been through alot and are doing so well. Doesnt it feel great. At first it feels hopeless and then we become filled with hope.


I still lay down and think of xap, but like you, I see that the signs of how he trully was were right in my face. I ignored them, didnt want to think it was true but it was and I'm glad you nor I have to deal with these men any longer. I still have my moments too, but I feel better about myself and about leaving this A.


<And I am happy. N I laugh. N I smile.> Boy can I relate. I do this now too. Not at first tho. I remember I would be sitting and watching a funny show and wouldnt even crack a smile, b/c I was so down. Nothing was funny or made me laugh. If I did laugh it was fake and forced. Now I enjoy things better and able to smile and laugh, and it's real. It feels good.


So glad you are doing well and very proud of you :)