just a question- sorry maybe long

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2010
just a question- sorry maybe long
17
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 9:00pm

well first off i am not here to offend or judge anyone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 9:17pm

Hi,

You will probably receive more help from the Betrayed Spouse Support board. However, thank you for wanting to get a perspective from the other side and not trashing us on here.

I am an xOW who, when I started seeing my xMM, he lied to me about not being married. He lied about EVERYTHING. When I found out, I was too deeply in love and attached to him, so i forgave him, basically I settled. In which case I think most Betrayed spouses do too. Anyway, I had a DDAY in dec 2009, and I talked to his wife. I found out that my xMM is a serial cheater. It hurt deeply to find this out that he had a problem...with women. He just loves sex.

Now, I know that he must have cared for me in some way more than the rest because we been together for 2 years...I know he cares for his wife... but in the end.... he will always remain a sociopath...a pathological liar.

The best way to move forward, in opinion, is to put yourself first. Stop asking whether you meant anything to him. Or what he thinks. Tell yourself that you deserve better then him! That he fooled you long enough but you are wiser now. Let the other poor woman suffer now.

These men, do NOT change. I think it takes total, complete honesty from them.... AND a willingness to come forward to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. IF you have to pry information from them...then they dont' care.

But then again, ask yourself, why would you want to be with someone who cheated on you, and lied to you? Life is too short to be with someone that you have to constantly babysit, or look after your shoulder.

I am sorry it happened to you. It is a shame people do this sort of thing...

NC since Dec. 9th 2009


No Contact = No New Hurts


Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2010
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 9:24pm

thank you for taking the time to post i truely appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 9:48pm

Wow,

I do think I have seen a W ever post here....I guess your an ex W. I am not sure if you are on the right board. But either way, I can tell you this for sure from the total opposite side of this. We always ask ourselves the same question. This is an enders board. We have women who were in affairs for years, yet managed to get out of them. They got tired of hurting themselves and people like you. Many posters here have been out of their A's for years, some only months, others days.

We do not know your situation. But from your post, it sounds like you have dealt with a man much like the men we have dealt with also. Men we thought we loved. Men we had no business loving. It's really odd for me to responding to someone in your situation. But I can tell you this, we wonder all same things you have wondered. There are countless posts from women on here that often say "I wonder if he ever cared." In other words, when its all over, we are hurt just like you. We wonder much of the same things you have. In the end, pain is pain.

We set ourselves up for our pain. We were selfish and not whole to begin with, thats how we wound up having an affair.

Sounds like you have a very selfish XH. I am very sorry. I really believe (as does most on the board), you reap what you sow, what comes around goes around....he will get his. They will likely never be happy. I do not know that you care or not. I am just trying to explain that when you start something the way they did, there is likely no happy ending. No one wins when in affairs. She may even think she won. The reality is that it is very likely he will do to her what he did to you. Probably just a matter of time.

Now to your daughter, I am a mother, I had several miscarriages before I had my daughter, she is amazing, the best thing I have ever done. You can not make him be a father, he either will or he wont. And if he chooses not to be, that is his major loss and he will have to face her along with his other demons sooner or later. Time has a way of panning things out.....

I am sorry that he forgot your birthday. I am sorry that you have been thru all your D-days. I am sorry that you have had the pain you have endured.

I can tell you that when we are in A's, its an addiction. We set EVERYTHING and I do mean everything, to get our high. If that means stomping on everyone and everything to get our fix. We are like Heroine addicts. I am serious. That could be why your XH has been so hurtful. It may have little to do with you. Its him, he has issues. I hope I helped.

There are boards for women like you on here should you need them. I am hoping your surgery goes well. I wish you and your daughter the best. I hope you have the support of family or good and true friends to get you thru. You will be in my thoughts.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 9:59pm

Luvin ... you said it all - tears rolling down my face.

Thank you Tufftosee for your courage in posting here & sharing your story of pain and humiliation with us - it feels only too familiar to me.

I am terribly sorry you have been hurt.

You have experienced the deepest of betrayals, the hardest of hurts. You must be an amazing & strong woman.

I wish you peace and love,

TU

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 2:01am

I’m sorry for your pain and I understand you are trying to get answers. The problem is it goes against this board’s guidelines.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2010
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 8:48am

thank you for your time in posting i really and truely do appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2010
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 8:53am

Empowerment1 than you for posting and i understand what you are saying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 9:28am

Empowerment, you know how much I love your posts. I have a

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2010
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 9:38am
thank you why_ask_why.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 9:41am

Tuff,
I'm sending you lots of love and cyber support. I hope that you'll take E1 up on her offer to support you off of the board; she is an AMAZING, intelligent and grounded woman, and her advice is always spot on. She's like a Goddess around here. Please take all the help you can get, especially from her, to heal. My heart breaks for you and you posting here didn't offend or hurt me in any way! I really admire you for searching for answers instead of letting the situation swallow you. I wish you all the best on your journey.

with love,
Dee

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