Just ranting - kinda long
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| Tue, 11-17-2009 - 8:55pm |
Kinda scary that all these thoughts are floating in my head. Today I had a few possible weak moments and thankfully I buried in these boards and realized...it isn't him I miss at all. It is the attention...the constant accolades...compliments but for what?!?! So he can get what he wants...that isn't me...it is sex or for me to make him feel important...if you want that go get a coach or something. The more I think about it and realize all the fakeness to it. It ticks me off! It sadly reminds me of high school or something where a guy will say anything to get what he wants. He reverted back to his old tactics from high school. How pathetic in my opinion.
What is sad is the more I think about it...he was extremely narcissitic, arrogant, over the top in trying to prove he is better than everyone else, inconsiderate. I mean the first and only time we met he didn't even try to kinda look nice. That should have said something but I was so into the attention he could have been wearing a trash bag. LOL And the hotel room was cheap...I mean..come one you want to make me think you go over the top on everything for your fiancee but the person you talk to all day and night...you go cheap!! I am worth a nice snazzy hotel room by golly!! Then looking back it was all he wanted to have a woman in his arms that wanted to be there. It probably didn't even have to be any one decent looking-he lucked out with that. I feel so retarded.
I think of what all I would have lost by continuing on...he didn't respect me on any level or he wouldn't have done what he did. I can remember asking him I bet you have someone over there as well (he was out of state). And he would say nah I made my choice...yeah a safe one. I would never run into your fiancee. I wouldn't know who she was honestly. So sad how blinded I was. So pathetic on my part. So stupid. I am so glad I can see it now. I cannot imagine how much more it would hurt my H if it continued. I don't know if I could have continued it anyway..the constant hiding and lieing. It was a lot of stress.
I see now how hot and cold he was...one day he couldn't talk with me enough and the next it was I am too busy right now.

Hey Hope,
I just read your post and I can totally relate to all that you are saying. The hot/ cold treatments.... we could get those in a spa or something, but not from a man!!!!!
I loved where you wrote: "I have quit counting NC days. I know I will never contact him again so the number is already to infinity."
I am so glad that you probably will not ever see that man again
hugs
Htgo
Spa sounds nice. LOL A lot more satisfying than he was. ;) At least it would be relaxing and not stressful and hurtful. Amazing once your head is clear how the perception changes.
The odds of me seeing him again are slim to none and all ways to contact me are gone unless he calls at work. No worries there either...my best friend will keep him away since she works here. Feels good to not be under that control of waiting for a text, an email, a phone call. Kinda nice to breathe and not be making sure I deleted messages and what not. Very releasing in a way!
Take care!
Hope