Just terrible
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| Sat, 09-26-2009 - 8:02pm |
I'm not sure how many people know my situation, but my xAP didn't end it I did. Initially I participated in the affair because I felt like my marriage was over, but then the guilt was too much and my husband showed me a side of him I didn't know was there when we had a D Day. So I know I needed to do the right thing and work on my marriage, but I still had feelings for my xAP.
So every once in a while if there was any contact I would say things to him that I normally wouldn't say that were hurtful. The reason was because I knew we couldn't be together. I cared for him but I knew that I needed him to move on. I needed him to not contact me. So I said some things I knew might hurt him, but I justified it because I was scared he would contact me again and I knew that if he did I would go through all that misery again.
But then later I think about those things. I wonder if he is hurting or how he is feeling and I feel like crap. I just wish I could get to the point where I didn't care and I could stop thinking about everything. I care too much and I think about things too much. He has probably even moved on and I know he might think about our time fondly, but I bet he doesn't deal with all this emotional stuff like I do. I'm ready for indifference, but I wonder if I will EVER get there.

Hugs to you.
Hi luv,
I can relate - I said some pretty mean things to my xAP as well, when I was ending it. I took a lot of my frustrations out on him and I felt really bad about it after. I would dwell on it a lot.
If you want to get some closure on this while staying in NC, you can try this exercise when you have some time alone. Sit on a chair or sofa, close your eyes and bow your head, take 3 deep cleansing breaths. Next, imagine your xAP standing in front of you. Once he's 'there', look him in the eyes and ask him to forgive the mean things you said. Stay there in the moment until he 'forgives' you. Don't be surprised if you start crying, stay in the moment and keep your eyes closed and your head down. Once you feel he's forgiven you, thank him and say goodbye to him, take 3 deep cleansing breaths and open your eyes. You will feel a lot better over it, guaranteed. I used this a lot to help me get over 'unfinished' business.
big hugs,
trixie xo
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”
Thanks you guys so much for your responses because this is really bothering me tonight for some reason.
I'm not sure if he felt these things like I do... all this emotional stuff. I think he felt that he loved me and he felt like he should feel things a certain way emotionally. He would write me letters and say that he cried about things, but I never really saw the raw painful emotions.
Although there was one time. It was my last day at work and everyone went out after work for my going away party. That night he did seem extremely emotional, but he also was drunk.
He also made a CD for me after the first time I ended it. It was a Christmas present when I was trying for LC because I was still working at the same company. At first I declined it and then a a week or so later I accepted it. Have you guys ever seen Princess Bride or heard the song Storybook Love? He said that was our song and in his cell phone had me programed as "AYW" or "As you wish" from that movie. He told me he loved me, but at first he would always say "As you wish".
So I guess I would say that he was emotional, but I'm not sure anyone else would guess anything was ever wrong...even his best friend. He could hide it well. I think the most it ever probably seemed like to others was that he was in a bad mood. When with me, it is so obvious when I'm feeling this way to everyone.
Ok, I think I'm starting to go back and do what you guys say is romanticizing things. I need to stop. I have been doing so well these last 6 weeks and I'm just going through a rough patch. I'm just not sure how to deal with it the best right now.
Trixie - thanks for your wonderful and thoughtful suggestion. I am going to try that when I have a couple hours by myself on Monday.
One thing I have realized more and more lately is that I'm too nice or naive or something. I always think the best of people. I never learn. Even today I saw that. I was with a girlfriend and this guy came up to us and said some things. We were with our kids. She right away thought he was out to get something. She wouldn't give him the time of day and was actually pretty rude to him. I thought well maybe he is just being friendly and he also had kids. She thought he was creepy I thought he was just trying to be friendly. Who is wrong?
Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts! You guys are great!