Just TWISTED the knife; gonna puke

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Just TWISTED the knife; gonna puke
18
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 3:19pm

He just twisted the knife, and bad. I'm at work, crying (tearing up enough to where if someone sees me, they will know something is wrong).


I got an email from my boss (our whole dept. did) saying she and XAP will be going to lunch. Immediately I thought - how weird, not once have they gone to lunch since I've worked here, two, he hates her (he has said on several occasions how he hates her, she does not do crap, he wishes she would quit, the list goes on and on).


See, my XAP and I are obviously done but he won't speak to me at all about anything (even work) he has gone around me going to others to have them come to me if he needs to relay info or if he needs to ask something) he acts as if he does not want my help, he walks past me mumbles "pissing me off" for NO reason, and our A, well, it was really a FWB, never went to lunch even, basically just sex although we shared many things......so his going to lunch with her makes me SICK to my stomach....he can F me for two years and never take me to lunch but he can my boss.....someone he HATES?????


And it wasn't even about work, it was to "rebuild" a freindship is what my boss told me (we are pretty cool here at work) so...........why does he think he needs to turn the kinfe that much more??????


I have been healing....doing better, have my moments but doing pretty good, then this and it just kicked me as I'm down. So hurt.


I'm sick to my stomach, honest. I want to send an email and yell "SO YOU CAN SCREW ME FOR 2 YEARS AND CAN'T TAKE ME TO LUNCH BUT YOU TAKE SOMEONE YOU "HATE"?!?!?!?!?


Wow, so torn.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 3:31pm

It's possible that your xAP may just be doing some office schmoozing for whatever reason - maybe he needs her in an effort to get ahead

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 3:45pm

THank you......i love what you said here;


"remember that you are better off - no more drama, no more rollercoaster - just perfect clarity that leads to a life of balance and peace"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 4:12pm

Hey CG,


I think I wrote something to you last week welcoming you to the Get Treated Like Crap At Work Club.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 4:13pm

Sounds like xAP is doing an excellent job at manipulating you - stop letting him!!!


So what if he's taking your boss to lunch? He's probably just doing it to get a rise out of you, and you're giving him exactly what he wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 4:24pm

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU I really needed support today like I've never needed it before, I feel so low; I just keep going over and over in my head;


he can sleep with me for 2 years and never take me to lunch but he asks my boss to lunch when he has hated her for as long as I've worked here....it hurts to feel as if I am not "good enough" for anything but sex.


I am staying strong; he has seen no emails from me, no emotions either. I've given him NOTHING!!!!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 4:25pm

Dear Crazy,

I am so sorry that you have to face your xAP at work. I know that kinda pain & anguish, and how it totally screws with the healing process. It is so tiring to stay on-guard all day long when they are right there in your face.

This said, I would like to borrow E1's words of wisdom she posted to you on another thread. I think it really applies to this most recent situation:

***

"...Bottom line you cannot control how he acts. You can only control how you act ... Also, no one can get inside his brain and know why he is acting or reacting the way he is. If it is anger, hurt or if he has come down with a case of ass-a-nine-ness, it is his problem to work out his issues in the end.

It actually sounds like he is trying his own version of LC by avoiding conversations with you. Well that or he is acting childish. Either way embrace it as a gift as you will have to deal with his angry-Turrets much less that way.

Remember everything xMM does after the ending of the A is not always a game to pull you back in. Ending is painful to both parties even if it is agreed and both are committed to the ending. He has to deal with his crap just like you have to deal with yours. Not saying that for you to have some sympathy but so you can just stay away as much as you can being that you have to work together. If he vents try not to take it personal. If it gets tough, a mental pic of him in a straightjacket and padded room might give you a chuckle."

***

All of his antics and acting out behaviors are not about you - well not directly anyway. I think he is repeatedly showing you who he is, and HIS inadequacies with coping with the ending. I promise you, if you can turn your outward gaze inward, toward your own actions, your energy will be better spent on healing: real healing will start to happen. I know you think his behavior is making your healing process harder - but really, he no longer gets to have such an impact on you. You are done with him.

When we end an affair, we no longer choose to believe that our xAP actions define our value or worth - we all deserved our metaphorical "lunch out" - and we all starved waiting for it. Now, I order my own meals (-:

Much Love & Hugs,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 8/13/2010 4:27 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 5:48pm

My H said something to me in another context that grounded me when I was upset- kind of jolted me out of my self pity... It's not about you (echoing Dr. Phil). And really, it's not about you anymore. You two went your separate ways. I am sorry he acts like a jerk to you, but consider it a blessing. So many here have had to endure countless fishing attempts, begging, etc, and they've fallen back into the A. He is done and it will allow you to be done. You are letting him have control of your emotions.... you are letting him- so stop it. Stop letting him have control. Take back the control. Let it roll off of your back as best you can. These moments teach us patience... patience will help you sort through these emotions, see them for what they are and move on. This is just another growth spurt.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 1:18am

You should be proud of yourself for giving him nothing, crazygirl4sure (we really need to talk about a change of name here....later :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 8:53am

This is a great thread, with so much great advice - I was gone yesterday, so I'm glad I got to read everything start to finish.

Crazygirl - you said, "he can sleep with me but take someone he hates to lunch" There have been COUNTLESS times over the last 7.5 years that XAP slept with me and did things, large and small, that tore my heart out. The reason I'm here right now - slept with me and took his W on vacation a few days later. Back in February, he slept with me and took his W to a fundraiser ball the next night. Talk about feeling like Cinder-f-ing-ella. I was good enough for sex, but not good enough to be on his arm, in public, at a ball. But that is the role of the W and I was the mistress. That's what I (unknowingly? stupidly?) signed up for. You held your tongue, posted here instead and got through it! :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2008
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 11:09pm
from a guy's perspective. i think u and many of the other ladies on the board are viewing this lunch thing all wrong. THIS IS WHAT GUYS DO in the work place. They try to get ahead and if it means compromising their personal feeling to help them along they will do it. I don't think he even regarded your feeling in this (sorry to say)I myself have done this may times as have many of my colleague. I do believe your trying to over analyze this. I wouldn't give it a second thought. however that is just a guys way of looking as this.

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