Just TWISTED the knife; gonna puke
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| Fri, 08-13-2010 - 3:19pm |
He just twisted the knife, and bad. I'm at work, crying (tearing up enough to where if someone sees me, they will know something is wrong).
I got an email from my boss (our whole dept. did) saying she and XAP will be going to lunch. Immediately I thought - how weird, not once have they gone to lunch since I've worked here, two, he hates her (he has said on several occasions how he hates her, she does not do crap, he wishes she would quit, the list goes on and on).
See, my XAP and I are obviously done but he won't speak to me at all about anything (even work) he has gone around me going to others to have them come to me if he needs to relay info or if he needs to ask something) he acts as if he does not want my help, he walks past me mumbles "pissing me off" for NO reason, and our A, well, it was really a FWB, never went to lunch even, basically just sex although we shared many things......so his going to lunch with her makes me SICK to my stomach....he can F me for two years and never take me to lunch but he can my boss.....someone he HATES?????
And it wasn't even about work, it was to "rebuild" a freindship is what my boss told me (we are pretty cool here at work) so...........why does he think he needs to turn the kinfe that much more??????
I have been healing....doing better, have my moments but doing pretty good, then this and it just kicked me as I'm down. So hurt.
I'm sick to my stomach, honest. I want to send an email and yell "SO YOU CAN SCREW ME FOR 2 YEARS AND CAN'T TAKE ME TO LUNCH BUT YOU TAKE SOMEONE YOU "HATE"?!?!?!?!?
Wow, so torn.

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WithClarity,
I cant thank you enough for that post......eelin..... I was sat here reading and feeling a bit subdued (and yes sorry for myself....)
But that made sense and is so true.......I LET HIM TREAT ME LIKE THIS..!!!
I left the door open for him to come in and out and wipe his feet on me on his way in and out!!!
I am worth more
New moniker?!
Love it.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Thank you all for all your support. It helps to read what all you guys have written and there is much truth to it all.
<<< I’m bigger though then this crap, bigger and better then him >>>
Yes, you are !!!
The drama of all this negative crap is so destructive. For every moment, every minute, hour and day you let "him" float around in your mind and thoughts, you are losing that precious time. And for what? Don't allow yourself to become bogged down in xAP's world. I know how hard that is, but I am proof you can do it. I love that saying "living your best life is the best revenge" or something like that, anyway, that is soooo true. When you focus on you, your life, what makes you happy, that is starting the journey on the right path. Shake off xAP, treat those worrisome thoughts of him like a spider crawling up your arm!! I used to catch myself wallowing in crappy thoughts and I'd shudder. I hated it when I was stuck on stupid and didn't see how that was holding me back.
YES INDEED!!!!! Like a nasty fuzzy spider crawling up my arm.....that I just wanna "get off me, yuck".......wish I could take enough showers to clean and rid him of me.
This drama is very destructive, for sure. I have had the worst headaches the past two weeks or so, having a hard time sleeping (just started Prozac to help my moods) and I HATE - ABSOLUTELY HATE that he has had this much power over me.......ughhhhhh, WHY WHY WHY did I allow this to happen?!?!?!?!?!
You are making progress just realizing how destructive and controlling this is over your life - good for you. Now the hard work
comes. One of the things I did to work past the crappy controlling thoughts was to "see" me in the future being who I wanted to be. But to get there, you have to figure out what it takes. I'm guessing it's a different approach for many, but for me, in the beginning, I used my anger. That anger proved to me just how involved in crappy thoughts I was. The more I thought of him, the more I wallowed in anger. I knew I had to let it go, and as every Vet here on EAS will tell you, it doesn't matter. It really does not matter what he said, what he does or where he is. That was then, this now. And now is your life. Live for NOW.
It's a very liberating and empowering feeling to finally stand up for yourself and be in control. And even more than being in control, is being the real you. I cannot tell you how proud I am of myself for finally shaking off that spider! I still think of xAP and at times I still have some anger, but it doesn't control my thoughts. I just know it doesn't matter anymore and honestly, it never did.
CG,
Give it another week or two and you are going to be feeling like a different person. The Prozak should help tremendously and those stress headaches will be alleviated. You have been under a lot of strain of late, but if you take your focus off of JAM and start putting it back on you, life will get much more bearable.
Hang in there,
~Iddy~
Iddy -
Thank you. It helps so much to hear you all say it will get better, to hang in there just a bit longer and such, so thank you. The littlest words help so much in times like these, I honestly don't know where I'd be without you all.
A little while ago my boss was talking about XAP again and ya know what, I didn't let it get to me...not to say I wasn't feeling like yelling out SHUT THE HELL UP I DO NOT CARE!!!
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