Just under 3 weeks out and still struggling

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2001
Just under 3 weeks out and still struggling
15
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 11:36pm

My story in short: January 7th it would have been 2 year A, we are both married, worked together but not anymore.  I love him and it is the first time I have been in love.  I think he ended the A, though I think he would say I did.  Regardless, I think it was Dec, 14th.  He emailed me twice just to say good morning and I've emailed several times, just with nonsense but we haven't responded.

I am struggling with the pain, but I know things will get better.  I am in therapy and can't take antidepressants right now. I want to be strong so I don't get tempted to contact him again once we go back to work.

I haven't contacted him since last year (yes, I know...) and I hope to be able to say that come December 31st 2013!

I hope I can get your support!

=N

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Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 12:50am

Hi Kittery

I apologize that I am just getting to your post.  I was about to go to bed, decided to check here before doing so, scrolled over to the second page and all the way down and found it.  ivillage is having one helluva time getting their act together since the major switch over.

I am little confused.  You said you were no longer working together, but then go on to say >...so I don't get tempted to contact him again once we go back to work.<

Regardless, it would seem to me that your affair hasn't quite ended with the back and forth texting even though it is just what you called nonsense talk.  That is like torture, no?  Maybe you need to take a powerful stand and make for a formal goodbye and implement no contact.  It is the only way to begin to heal and move onward and forward.  

Can you start from there?  The next step would be to block all avenues of contact so neither of you can make contact during a weak moment...and there will be many.

We are here to support you in your ending...you just have to take the first step and make sure it is good and ended.

We know it is not easy, but taking the bull by the horns will make you feel empowered and in total control so you can start your healing and start to live a life of honesty and with integrity once again.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 5:45am
Ok Kittery you have 2 choices, listen to With Clarity or take the hard way home and end up getting thrown under the bus as I have this last week, had I listened 4 months ago I would not be under the bus and desperately searching for a new job! But unfortunately some of us don't learn by simply being told what or how to do something, we have to feel it, see it, try it and learn it with hands on experience. Good luck with whichever route you take because ultimately it's your choice. Love Tily... (Must change my name this is what xap called me)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 6:47am

Hi Kittery

Sounds like you are really confused and still very much in the A fog.

My only advice to you to start with is : It will never be over unless you do it for yourself. In other words, ending an A, because HE ended it, and your just hanging on just in case he changes his mind, is NOT ending an A. You will either end up scrounging for his crumbs again, or you will end up in another A with someone else.

If you truely believe you want out of the whole A rollercoaster - then please find the strength to do it for yourself, and your own mental health. A's take more of a toll that you realise, leave it behind you and start a new healthy, transparent, wonderful life loving Number 1 :-)

Best of luck on your journey - we are here for you all the way if you decide to jump on board!

I've got loads more advise to give, but I wont bombard you from day 1 ;-)

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 6:47am

Hi Kittery

Sounds like you are really confused and still very much in the A fog.

My only advice to you to start with is : It will never be over unless you do it for yourself. In other words, ending an A, because HE ended it, and your just hanging on just in case he changes his mind, is NOT ending an A. You will either end up scrounging for his crumbs again, or you will end up in another A with someone else.

If you truely believe you want out of the whole A rollercoaster - then please find the strength to do it for yourself, and your own mental health. A's take more of a toll that you realise, leave it behind you and start a new healthy, transparent, wonderful life loving Number 1 :-)

Best of luck on your journey - we are here for you all the way if you decide to jump on board!

I've got loads more advise to give, but I wont bombard you from day 1 ;-)

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 10:36am

Hi Kittery and welcome, I am sorry you are in this situation but you have our support and you can and will get through this, and over it, with time and effort.

Tell us more about your story, your feelings, what you struggle with, and we will help you. WGO is right, you are firmly entrenched in A fog at the moment, and we've all been where you are now, we all thought we had met the love of our lives, we had never experienced love like it, never before had two people been so perfect for each other, drawn together by cosmic magnetism. We all felt like that during the A, and sometimes for a while after, and then with time, as we look deeply into what was going on with ourselves, and with xAP, and what the whole A was about, we realise that it was never really love at all, not real love, not true love, just fantasy, hormone fuelled chemically overloaded fairytale "love", very painful, very disappointing, very destructive. You may well not believe any of that Kittery, I know I didn't. I used to read all the posts on EAS and think "well that's really sad for that poor person, but it's different for me and my xAP", and  then the more I read, and as more time went by, and as xAP continued to live happily ever after with his W whilst fitting me in occasionally when it suited him for s*x at my house and not really anything much else, I realised that I was participating in a bog standard A the same as all other As, and I started working on extracating myself from it. Not an easy task but do-able once you put your mind to it.

First thing to do Kittery is to break all contact with xAP, give yourself breathing space from him to see things more clearly. Any contact with him is just continuing the A. I realise you say you have to work with xAP but take the advice from others who have achieved limited contact at work, keep it business like and to a minimum. Keep reading and posting and work on moving forward with your life.

Love, Soglad x o x

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2001
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 3:05pm

Thank you all for the welcome.

More about my situation: I have been trying to leave the A for a while and though xap would agree, he would still contact me the next day and I would go right in.  Or, I would break and I would contact him.  I have been in a lot of pain over this.  I had a miscarriage a year ago and since then, Ive been in too much pain to continue the A.

I know he wouldn't throw me under the bus for several reasons as it really would make it more difficult for him with his wife.

We worked at the same school and he left last June but we remained together.  Now, I am changing schools as well.  We communicated very often throughout the day, 40-50 emails a day.  That is the only way we communicate, never through cell phone.  We go back to work on Monday, the 7th which woould be our 2nd anniversary and I will feel tempted to communicate if he doesn't/

In my mind, we are finished.  My emails of nonsense have all been about that topic.  Though there were a couple I did say I love him, but also reiterated that we were finished.

I do love him, or may be it is my ideal of him.  I know I have never loved anyone else.  I also know that we could never be together.  I never wanted that.  He and I don't match up as a married couple.  We want very distinct lives.  We couldn't be together even if we met while single.

I choose to say we are finished because I am not going back.  I can't take the pain anymore. 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 3:53pm

Well, Kittery, if you really want to end it for good so you can move on, tell him it is over.  Keep it simple...No words of love or any of that crap.  "It's over...I will not be contacting you any further...do not contact me." and then block and walk.  It is the only way.  The friend'ship' has sailed as well, as it was sacrificed when you crossed the line.

And you have to show him this time that you are a woman of your word.  In the past, you have taught him that you will ultimately cave.  Well, not this time.

Come here when the urge strikes and we will talk you down.  You will be going through withdrawal as you detox, so stay close to the Board and reach out for support.  Participate.  Reach out to others as well.  Even newbies have something to offer, even if is just to say "I hear you".

No more new hurt will come if you stay the course.  We'll help you :)

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2001
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 3:59pm

Than you Clarity!

I know the friendship was lost.  May be in years I may think about being friends but I don't think it will ever happen again, truly.  Unfortunately, I can't block emails.  We used work emails and those can't be blocked between employees. I just am working at being strong come Monday.  If he doesn't contact me, I will have the need to do it.  I have told him before, but the truth is that the person I need to convince is myself.  Xap will be very ok seeing me go.  No skin off his nose.  I meant nothing to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2001
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 3:59pm

Than you Clarity!

I know the friendship was lost.  May be in years I may think about being friends but I don't think it will ever happen again, truly.  Unfortunately, I can't block emails.  We used work emails and those can't be blocked between employees. I just am working at being strong come Monday.  If he doesn't contact me, I will have the need to do it.  I have told him before, but the truth is that the person I need to convince is myself.  Xap will be very ok seeing me go.  No skin off his nose.  I meant nothing to him.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 4:35pm

I hope you take some time to read through our Healing Library which needs building up again unfortunately as it seems to have crashed and burned with the ivillage switchover.

But it's still a good resource and reading through it, will build up your strength and resolve.

It doesn't seem like much convincing really needs to take place.  I mean, why bother yourself and continue on making someone a priority when you are only their option.

You can do, Kittery!

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

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