Just under 3 weeks out and still struggling

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2001
Just under 3 weeks out and still struggling
15
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 11:36pm

My story in short: January 7th it would have been 2 year A, we are both married, worked together but not anymore.  I love him and it is the first time I have been in love.  I think he ended the A, though I think he would say I did.  Regardless, I think it was Dec, 14th.  He emailed me twice just to say good morning and I've emailed several times, just with nonsense but we haven't responded.

I am struggling with the pain, but I know things will get better.  I am in therapy and can't take antidepressants right now. I want to be strong so I don't get tempted to contact him again once we go back to work.

I haven't contacted him since last year (yes, I know...) and I hope to be able to say that come December 31st 2013!

I hope I can get your support!

=N

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Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 4:04pm

Could you route his work emails into a spam folder or other folder that you create, so you do not need to see them in your inbox and hopefully not see them at all? Many email clients allow you to create rules for routing incoming mail.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 9:16am
WOW, Readytomoveon, that post is awesome!!!
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 7:53pm

RTMO

This post is so awesome that I'm a taking it and running with it....straight to the Healing Library and it will the first post in the new Insights and Wisdom thread.  

Time to rebuild the Library.

Thank you.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 7:26pm

Kittery, Clarity and RBM pretty much summed it up. Total NC and time are the key words when ending. The first few months are the hardest. We are so vulnerable and in so much pain but pushing through and believing that it will get better keeps us on track.

Posting on here constantly in those first few months saved me. When we delve into ourselves and write it out and when we post on other's threads of struggle, it reiterates to our minds that we are done and we are moving forward. I remember someone once posted about trudging through snow. We don't get snow here where I live in Australia so I had to pretend it was a bush walking trail instead but our brains have paths and we trudge down the same ones over and over until the path is well and truly worn. During the affair, the path gets dirty and sludgy but we still walk it even though it tires us. Til eventually we realise that path is no good for us. It hinders us and we have to spend so much time washing off the mud everytime we walk it. So we have to make a new path. And it seems hard because it is not carved out for us. We come across hurdles and it would just be so much easier if we go back to the old path. But the beauty about the new path is despite the hurdles and the hard work, we are still clean. Making a new path in your brain means telling yourself you are worth more, you are done and you will never go back. It is teaching our brains that it is okay to feel sad and all the emotions that come with ending an A but we are going to try something different now. We are going to start listening to our heads and letting them lead the feelings for a while. And when we do that a new path begins to form. And the beauty of it is this - it crosses over to all areas of our life and that is what makes walking the new path worth while. For when we rebuild after a storm, we get to rebuild something better if we want, with a stronger foundation.

Don't give up, do what needs to be done and start believing that you are worth a new path.

RTMO

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 6:38pm

Welcome back.

I remember when you were here before. 

You have taken a big step, but it is a long hard journey. Tougher yet, when you think you were in love.

Time is an ally. It is a given among vets that it will heal you and your situation. We all try to rush things, but it takes time.

Again, we are here to help, visit often, and let us know what you are thinking.

Rather....

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 4:35pm

I hope you take some time to read through our Healing Library which needs building up again unfortunately as it seems to have crashed and burned with the ivillage switchover.

But it's still a good resource and reading through it, will build up your strength and resolve.

It doesn't seem like much convincing really needs to take place.  I mean, why bother yourself and continue on making someone a priority when you are only their option.

You can do, Kittery!

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2001
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 3:59pm

Than you Clarity!

I know the friendship was lost.  May be in years I may think about being friends but I don't think it will ever happen again, truly.  Unfortunately, I can't block emails.  We used work emails and those can't be blocked between employees. I just am working at being strong come Monday.  If he doesn't contact me, I will have the need to do it.  I have told him before, but the truth is that the person I need to convince is myself.  Xap will be very ok seeing me go.  No skin off his nose.  I meant nothing to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2001
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 3:59pm

Than you Clarity!

I know the friendship was lost.  May be in years I may think about being friends but I don't think it will ever happen again, truly.  Unfortunately, I can't block emails.  We used work emails and those can't be blocked between employees. I just am working at being strong come Monday.  If he doesn't contact me, I will have the need to do it.  I have told him before, but the truth is that the person I need to convince is myself.  Xap will be very ok seeing me go.  No skin off his nose.  I meant nothing to him.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 3:53pm

Well, Kittery, if you really want to end it for good so you can move on, tell him it is over.  Keep it simple...No words of love or any of that crap.  "It's over...I will not be contacting you any further...do not contact me." and then block and walk.  It is the only way.  The friend'ship' has sailed as well, as it was sacrificed when you crossed the line.

And you have to show him this time that you are a woman of your word.  In the past, you have taught him that you will ultimately cave.  Well, not this time.

Come here when the urge strikes and we will talk you down.  You will be going through withdrawal as you detox, so stay close to the Board and reach out for support.  Participate.  Reach out to others as well.  Even newbies have something to offer, even if is just to say "I hear you".

No more new hurt will come if you stay the course.  We'll help you :)

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2001
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 3:05pm

Thank you all for the welcome.

More about my situation: I have been trying to leave the A for a while and though xap would agree, he would still contact me the next day and I would go right in.  Or, I would break and I would contact him.  I have been in a lot of pain over this.  I had a miscarriage a year ago and since then, Ive been in too much pain to continue the A.

I know he wouldn't throw me under the bus for several reasons as it really would make it more difficult for him with his wife.

We worked at the same school and he left last June but we remained together.  Now, I am changing schools as well.  We communicated very often throughout the day, 40-50 emails a day.  That is the only way we communicate, never through cell phone.  We go back to work on Monday, the 7th which woould be our 2nd anniversary and I will feel tempted to communicate if he doesn't/

In my mind, we are finished.  My emails of nonsense have all been about that topic.  Though there were a couple I did say I love him, but also reiterated that we were finished.

I do love him, or may be it is my ideal of him.  I know I have never loved anyone else.  I also know that we could never be together.  I never wanted that.  He and I don't match up as a married couple.  We want very distinct lives.  We couldn't be together even if we met while single.

I choose to say we are finished because I am not going back.  I can't take the pain anymore. 

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