Just want to share

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Just want to share
4
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 4:59pm
I just want to share my story. I had an A with MM 5 years ago. We were together for one summer and it was like a roller coaster ride emotionally for the both of us. Anyway, we parted ways with many unanswered questions and I felt we never had any closures. We then went our separate ways. He mended things with his wife and I got married. About a year ago, a work project brought us back together and we started talking again. I knew the strong feelings we both had were still there. I never stopped loving him but when we parted, he made me feel he hated me so much thus forcing me to move on. It turned out that's exactly what he wanted. He knew he would never be able to give me what I wanted (getting married, having kids) so he pushed me away. I found the closure I needed and we had a brief A but he soon put a stop to it saying he doesn't feel the same love for me anymore. It was heartbreaking but I accepted that. We stayed friends after that, emailing and ICQing very often. Once every few months, we would still see each other. We always make it a lunch date and everything seems very casual. But I know well I'm carrying on an emotional affair. My feelings for him has never changed. This unrecruited love is painful at times and I know the best thing for me is to cut him off from my life for good. The night before I decided I should let him know how I really feel about him. So I told him I still love him. (I did this through ICQ) and he replied with a ":-)" What's the ":-)" mean?? I feel like such a fool. I have probably scared him away as he didn't write me since.

I just want to be able to write to him, talk to him and see him once in a while. Is this really so wrong? I don't have anyone to talk to this about and this is the only place I can let it all out. Thanks all just for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 6:18pm
(((smile))) First, I just wanted to say that you have come to the right place. Everyone here is supportive and can give firsthand advice and support. It sounds to me like MM is not sure what he wants out of this friendship. Obviously you care very much for him, and I am sure that he knows this even before you sent the "I love you" message. If he hasn't replied, perhaps he needs his space right now.

I would have no contact with him for the time being, either until he contacts you, or you realize that you do not need him in your life. I, too, am going through a similar situation, where OM is hot one day, cold the next. He pretty much ended the A, but tried to resume it recently. I have also been trying the minimal contact approach, and I can tell you that while it is very hard, I have gained some insight into my own feelings, and I am stronger for it.

Also, I noticed that you mentioned that MM made you feel like he hated you as an excuse for ending the A. If he realy cared that much for you, he would have found a less cruel way of ending things. Someone who really cares about you would not have put you through that pain. Just my opinion...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 8:23pm
Thanks for your reply. When I said "I love you", I wasn't really expecting a reply. I just wanted him to know. Though I have feelings for him, but I only want to stay friends with him. It's probably what he wants too. But now that I have said the 3 words, I don't know how it's going to change things between us.

I was thinking about not contacting him for a while like you suggested but before I know it, I was already writing a message to him. Luckily, I haven't sent it out yet and I'm not going to now. I think we both need some space right now. Thanks for the support. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 8:33pm
Welcome to this board. I do not post often but read daily. Reading the posts have helped me tremendously - Mostly just to know that there are other people who have/are going through the same rush of emotions that come with ending an A.

Wow! I feel like you have lived the story of my A but you are further down the line than me. Almost the same exact thing happened to an extent. I am single and had a friendship with xMM that turned into a 9 month A. At the time I didn't realize it but what a roller coaster of emotions that the A caused. Long story short, his W found out once about us but we both swore up and down that we were just friends and there was nothing more. W allowed us to stay friends and we were for awhile but the A started again and W found out again. When W found out for the second time xMM broke everything off completely. He wanted NC but I couldn't get it through my head that he wanted nothing to do with me. I couldn't let it go. A couple of times I tried to contact him. He was usually cordial about it and would make it be a quick conversation. The last time I contacted him he made it clear that he no longer wanted anything to do to me. He told me that things between him and his W were great since he quit talking to me. He said he didn't want to deal with me anymore among other things. As if those things weren't bad enough, he also showed his W the exchange of text messages that we had that day. To this day I do not know why he did this but of course I recieved a phone call from her. I don't know if he purposely showed her or if she demanded to see his phone all the time to check for messages but regardless they were seen.

Although all of the nasty things he said to me the last time (over 4 months ago)have been the reason that I will never contact him again, I constantly wonder if he really meant it. I now realize that A's are all about lies but you can tell in the way that someone looks and talks to you if they are lying or not. I know what we shared was special to him and he always reassured me of that. He wouldn't leave his W because of their kids and ultimately I do not think that they were totally unhappy. He always said that if he wasn't married he would be more than happy to be my boyfriend/husband. Sometimes I wonder why he did it if they weren't that unhappy together?

I guess I am thankful that he said those things b/c it hurt me so bad and as a result have pretty much ended any good thoughts I had about the A. I feel that xMM said those things because that would be the only way that I would ever leave him alone to rebuild things with his W. I don't know if he meant them but I am sure as heck not going to ever contact him to find out. I want to keep the little bit of pride that I do have left.

We no longer work together so there is only one remote possiblity that I will see him. His W & I still work for the same company but at different locations and he may be at a picnic that is held annually.

QUESTIONS FOR YOU - Despite everything that he said to me, I think I do still have feelings for him. There are some days that I feel that I could brush him off if I were to see him and then there are others where I would probably burst out in tears. Also, another big fear is that I have never been with anyone that I had such a connection with. I am terrified that I will never connect with someone like that again. In the five years that you didn't see him, did you ever come across feelings such as these among others? Also, it has been 6 months since the A ended and 3 months of NC - I thought by now the thoughts would have gone away completely. Do they ever? They have decreased in frequency and the emotion is not there as often but I feel like I will never be free of them. I know that he will probably never contact me again but a little part of me hopes that he does. I want to blow him off and hurt him like he hurt me. I wonder if he ever thinks about me/ what happened between us/ contacting me.

I know that I should let it go already but I can't. I am doing 100 times better than I was 6 months ago and I hope that 6 months from now I will be better!

Any comments on how you dealt with your situation would be greatly appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 1:53am
HI

"""I just want to be able to write to him, talk to him and see him once in a while. "Is this really so wrong? ""

If it was your husband doing this would you have to ask this question???

I think you would know the answer with out asking that question.

You made Vows to the man that is your husband and he made them to you in good faith, it's time to live up to them EMOTIONALY not just with your body but with your mind and heart there is no room for XMM in this picture anymore.