just a wave
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| Wed, 07-28-2010 - 1:32pm |
Having a growth spurt day :( My employee left for lunch, so I just had a good cry. I'm trying to be kind to myself and remind myself that this is all necessary to get to my goal of a real life, with hopefully a real man someday. I get most vulnerable when I feel overwhelmed by everything and that's where I'm at right now. I just wanted XAP to take care of me. As all of you have felt I'm sure, it's so hard when you have to face the fact that he can't/won't. Yesterday I agreed in a post to MO I think, that everything feels surreal right now. I'm sitting here at my desk and a man that I talked to every single day, several times a day for over 7 years is a block away from me. We have no idea what is going on in each others lives anymore. I know this is how it is supposed to be. I know my sadness will pass. Just need to breathe.
Bodhi

Bodhi,
I feel your pain.
Thanks CSN - I'm so glad I have all of your support. I've said before, it has to be hard for those of you who have to see your XAPs. Other than a quick 2 seconds with his drive-bys, I haven't seen mine since right before he left for vacation. And I haven't noticed him driving by in the last few days either. Maybe he's given up finally.
I started feeling panicky in my office after my cry, as I did in the first few weeks - it's like I just can't be there. So I left and ran some errands. Now I'm home - it's looking like more rain might be coming, and I feel the need to babysit my basement.
I have to get the feeling of "needing" him out of my head. The "need" leads to anger and sadness because he's not here for me.
Tomorrow is a new day for all of us :)
Bodhi
Hi Bodhi,
How you feeling now?
I want you to know we're all here for you and that I personally have a huge amount of respect for you.
Seven years, Wow... I just can't get past my 7 months, I don't know how you do it.
But your strength helps me. ALOT.
Just wanted you to know that.
Take care.
PL
((hugs))
Of course you don't need him. You don't. Look your life has gone on since ending the A. Sometimes, when they stop fishing, it is like another wave of loss hits us. See, I think maybe this is what your feeling. You think to yourself while they are fishing how selfish, desperate and stupid it is, but when it is gone 'poof' you really do have to face the reality of it being over, that he is gone, and that you will really never ever be together. I think those fishing attempts kept you hanging on to that last shred of hope that somehow he would 'step up'. Now that last thread of hope has been cut. It IS over. I hope he is done for good with fishing, and that you finally come to the realization that he is not, never was, ending his M for 'you', and that has absolutely nothing to do with you ... it has everything to do with the fact that it was a relationship doomed from day 1 and that somewhere deep inside he knows that too.
Otherwise, he would have left his M. As another post somewhere reminded me/us: he was never ours to lose.
And like the urge I had to smoke the crack pipe, your wave will pass ... hopefully not through your basement!
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Piku :)
Thank you so much. I'm feeling a little better being home.
<<<>>>
Pretty ridiculous isn't it? I've thought a lot about how I let it go on for so long. The only answer I can come up with is that I had a lot of stupid faith in the words that were spoken to me. I always thought and hoped that he would change things. Days turn into months and months turn into years.
I think it's just regular life catching up to me again. My "chi" gets messed up when my surroundings are out of whack. My basement is still a mess and the hot water heater was supposed to come today, but now it's tomorrow. I just want a hot shower! OK, I'm done whining.
I'm glad I can be there for you Piku :)
Bodhi
Bodhi,
<>
I understand how this concept is difficult to
~Iddy~
TU :)
ha ha - wave through my basement. I'm not kidding - it's like post-traumatic stress syndrome - I saw the dark clouds and ran home so in case it starts coming up the drains, I can start the pump.
I never thought about my sadness being tied to not seeing him drive by, but that probably is part of it. That, and the fact that it has been 5 wks. with no contact. You're right - the reality that I'm really never going to be with him must be setting in.
Like I said too, I don't do well when I'm feeling overwhelmed - it makes me want him here to take care of me. I've had to take care of myself my whole life. Even when I was married, I was the one who was the strong one. That's what attracted XAP and I to each other. So, even though my head knows that I don't need him, my heart needs to listen.
Thank you TU :)
Bodhi
Thank you (((Iddy)))
It really does put it in perspective - I'm sorry you have to hear those things. That's the reality that I get to be shielded from with NC and I feel suddenly selfish that I was whining about it.
It's setting in that I was an option, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't change that. :(
Bodhi