Just when I thought I was over him.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Just when I thought I was over him.....
16
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 7:46am
I broke NC. After 40 days of NC, I spoke with XOM again.

But I had no choice – XOM was in town to attend a function which I had to attend as well. And with so many colleagues around us, it would have seem very strange to ignore each other (since many people know we were close) and so we spoke on a few occasions. Which was fine and I thought I would make it through the night without too much bruises. Until I said I was leaving the function and he said he would walk me to my car.

Along the way, he told me he wanted to talk to me about my letter. I had written a letter to him a while ago in which I told him that I had to make a decision on what to do about my life, whether I was going to leave my M or move on in my life without XOM. For those of you who are not familiar with my life, XOM asked me on a number of occasions to leave my H, but I never knew whether to believe him, whether he was being sincere. One day he would beg me to leave my H and relocate to where he is, saying that he missed me so much and couldn’t live without me, but when he is back in his country, he goes quiet and I receive just the occasional one-liner email and the occasional phone call. Anyway, I reached a point where I realize I could not go on living this double life. I was tired of lying to my H, of feeling confused all the time. I wanted a normal life again. And so I decided to confront the issue once and for all. I told XOM in my letter that if he was sincere and earnest, to tell me truthfully and honestly and we can try to work something out. Otherwise, I was going to move on with my life. XOM didn’t respond, save to say that we need to talk about it, but that he didn’t have the time then. I didn’t want to hang on waiting for his answer. I had decided to stop sitting on the fence and if he couldn’t make a decision on what he wanted, I would. I told him I was moving on with my life, and asked him to let go of me. That was 40 days ago. I did so well in NC I could almost touch the finishing line, or so I thought.

I stayed to listen to what XOM had to say. Perhaps I was curious (but I should have known better. We all know what happens when curiosity gets the better of the cat!), perhaps I wanted closure. Whatever the reason, we sat on a bench in a public park and talked for 2 hours. XOM said he didn’t respond earlier because he wanted to talk about it in person, not over the phone or email. He said he tried to write me a letter but just didn’t know where to start – he said he wasn’t very good at articulating his feelings on paper. And then he told me that he didn’t want me to leave my H because of him, because if I did leave H for him, that puts tremendous amount of pressure on our relationship and if things didn’t work out between us, he would feel guilty and responsible for ruining my life. He said that he wanted me to leave my H for the right reason, which is for myself (because I feel there is something missing from my M and I am leaving because I think I can find someone (not necessarily him) out there who can give me what I need, or because I think I want something better in my life). To sum up 2 hours’ worth of talk, he didn’t want to be the one responsible for breaking up a marriage. And even if I were to leave my marriage, he didn’t think it was wise for us to jump into a “real” relationship right away and that we should only get together perhaps 12 months down the road.

I didn’t know what to think. I had a feeling that he was trying to discourage me from leaving my H by painting a possibly dark future (saying what if things don’t work out between us). But on the other hand, when I told him that if I chose to stay in my marriage I would want to work on it and I could never do so as long as he is in the picture and we have to end our relationship so that I could move on, he started to question me on whether I really wanted to go on for the rest of my life knowing that I was miserable and that my life and my M was not totally fulfilling.

Does this sound like a guy having cold feet but at the same time not wanting to let go? Or is XOM just being very practical? Does it even matter to me in the first place??? I thought I was over with all the questions, all the “What ifs” and “Maybe”.

I thought I would stay and work on my marriage. I think the period of NC has indeed done me some good. I found that I was able to get on with life without XOM, and that at some point, I forgot how much I missed him. But yet, he made me think if I am taking the easy way out, not having the courage to seek what I want and putting up with my M (which is happy, but there is no passion because I wan't get over the fact that I feel for H as I would a best friend) because I am too scared to walk away..........

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 1:24am
Wasnotthinking

I think you have pretty much hit the nail on the head. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. It helps so much to hear from independent third parties when my mind is so clouded with confusion and emotions.

I think I have read your posts some time ago with your story but can't quite remember details. What is the problem in your M and what are you doing now to rebuild it? And how did you manage to end your A (if there was one)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 2:22am

No, putting yourself first does not make you selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 8:18pm
Games? What kind of games did I play? I guess it was more like "what kind of games did WE play?"

There were different kinds.

The kind I played on myself was the worst- not recognizing reality vs. fantasy.

With each other, we'd say a lot of flirtatious things. Double meanings. I would burn her CDs with songs that had lyrics that were particularly meaningful to "our thing."

When I called it a dance, we had a thing that was more like what I've heard some people call co-dependency. I relied on her for companionship that I should have been getting at home. That's a sort of game. She relied on me for companionship she should have been getting from home. That's a game, too. I'd tourture myself over struggling w/ the impossibility of it all. That's a game.

I don't think I ever "head tripped" her. We never purposefully or knowingly took advantage of the other, but we were subject to manipulations that would meet our own needs. When I say I played games, it was as much with myself, with both of us victimizing ourselves.

Another game comes to mind. My thread last week about the invitation. Was she playing me? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe the real thing was her need to have people around her that day that are important to her. But unknowingly to her, it messed w/ my head big-time. Likewise, when I took the steps to go no contact, I'm sure it messed w/ hers (it sure messed w/ mine). But that wasn't a game.

Perhaps I used the word "game" wrongly in my last post. The more I've read on this site, the more I come to the conclusion that a lot of us that are here, are here because we've played a game with ourselves. Not recognizing reality vs fantasy; not paying attention to the downside this kind of stuff carries, etc. etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 8:27pm
To answer your questions - what was the problem in my marriage and what am I doing to rebuild it.... sigh, that's a tough one. I THINK the problem in my marriage (this response changes every week because I'm still trying to figure it out) is that we both got married to our first loves. He was my highschool sweetheart and I was his. We courted each other from 18, survived a long distance relationship for three years, and got married at 25. Everything was good till 5 years into the marriage when I think both of us, turning 30, began to wonder if we had missed out on anything. He had an affair with a co-worker. So, moron that I am, I started one of my own, also with a co-worker. I confessed immediately. He said he would end his affair, and I said I would end mine. It was easier to end mine because my xOM and I just weren't able to pull off the double life thing. But it was harder for my husband to end his affair because his co-worker OW is one tenacious lady. He's still in a relationship with her, and I'm learning how to cope with it.

So, how am I rebuilding? For a start, I have gotten great advice from this board, which I know you will take too - concentrate on you. I'm like you, thinking that I should put others first, but in the process, I have forgotten who I am. I'm now taking care of me, finding out what I like, doing things I like, because it's important that you retain YOU in everything that you do. It's easy to lose sight of yourself when you've got work and husband and kids to worry about, but you've got to remember who you really are, because that's the first step in rebuilding any relationship. I recognise that I cannot change my husband, and he will end his affair when (if?) he's ready. In the meantime, I don't want to leave him, and I do want our marriage to work. So, I've decided to wait for him. While I do that, I focus on me. I do acknowledge that if the wait goes on for too long, I may have to rethink my marriage, but I like to be optimistic, and I do believe that I won't have to wait much longer :-)

I must add though, that although I said it was 'easier' for me to end my affair than my husband to end his, it was still the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I am crazy about my xOM. He's a wonderful person. Not being able to hang out with him everyday was awful. I missed him so much, and I thought of him every second of the day. I went to sleep thinking of him, and he was the first person in my mind when I woke up. This took about 6 months. But lately, I've found that he's not in my mind every waking moment... I wrote once that I used to think of him 24 hourns a day, but now it's .... 18 hours :-) I think even that is being reduced.... I'd say now maybe I think about him 3 hours a day.

Getting over him was the hardest hardest thing I've ever had to do. It was no use to me to try to push him out of my mind. Only time could do that, because I didn't have the mental strength to do it on my own. I could only concentrate on me, so I started exercising more, asked my boss to give me more work, became a compulsive dog-walker, and oh yes, you must remember this - I leaned on my girlfriend for support. There's nothing like girl-to-girl support at times like these.

Anyway, you can do it. You sound like a sensible, caring person, and I think you'll do fine!

I'll be thinking of you.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 11:30pm
Wasnotthinking

I am so sorry to hear about your predicament. You have had to deal with the pain of ending an affair, and the pain of dealing with your husband's affair. I can only imagine the suffering you have to endure.

I have had to deal with both scenarios, but not at the same time (dealing with A was not with H though, but an ex bf who was my first love) and I know both hurts equally, and to have to go through both at the same time is simply unearthly. Hang in there. I'll be praying for you.

As for your decision to stay with your H, I support that but must add a word of caution. Don't wait too long. The longer you wait, the more complacent your husband may become (after all, he gets the best of both worlds. both women know about each other and accept that fact) and most important, the more demoralised and insecure you become. Once you fall into the dark hole of self doubt, it's very difficult to pull yourself out of it. I think you should tell your H that you will wait for him, but only for so long.

I had an ex bf who cheated on me, and each time I found outhe was still seeing the OW, he would promise to stop but yet continue to see her. It went on for some time, and it totally wrecked my self confidence and my ability to trust him ever again. Eventually I walked. The irony is, he broke up with the OW immediately thereafter and didn't even want to talk to her anymore. He begged me to go back, but by then I had gotten over him, I was sick of all his lies, his abuse and his taking advantage of all my life and support etc.

I don't know about your H and yourself. He could be really trying to end his affair too. But I think no matter how tenacious that OW is, if he really wants his marriage to work, if he really loves you and cares for you, he has to put his foot down and say no, the way you did, for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 8:15pm
Tweety, you know, your advice was exactly what my best friend said too.... and it's absolutely right, because I know that's what I would tell my friends too if it ever happened to them. One of these days I know I will have to give him a deadline or ultimatum, but I'm being a bit of an ostrich now because I hate confrontations. But I know that that's what I have to do to make him wake up.

You hang in there too. You needed encouragement from other posters, but here I am twisting the whole thing around and it has ended up you giving me encouragement instead. I want you to know that I appreciate your advice, from the bottom of my heart.

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