Karmic coincidences
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| Mon, 01-25-2010 - 3:08pm |
Okay...I've been clean about my struggle (especially with tomorrow) and allowed myself to get a kick in the butt (thanks Iddy and Clarity). As I am in between meetings, I thought I'd try to post a few positive thoughts here. As I work through the challenges in ending the A, I am trying to pay attention to subtle changes that occur, and to see them as signs that I am doing the right thing (shifting my karma) Here's a few that have happened to me.
Here's one:
I have lost 16 lbs. in the last 3 weeks. Now, I know that this is due to the fact that I have not be eating very much (stress anyone?), but I am seeing it as me letting go of the toxicity of the A. Why did did I gain this weight in the first place? If I was so comfortable in the A and managing two relationship, why was I feeding myself? A dear friend of mine pointed out to me all of the ways that I could correlate unhappiness and stress in my life to being involved in the A. In addition to the weight gain, these include,
- Marital issues: It goes with out saying that the worst of the problems began after the A began.
- Financial strain: This has become much worse since the A began, especially after moving out of my home and the increased costs.
- My son's struggles: He has always had challenges in school, but they are much more prevalent in the last 2 - 3 years; most pronounced since I have moved out.
- Job satisfaction: I was really on a good trajectory up until 4 years ago. My work has definitely suffered, even if I am still held in some regard.
- Social isolation: My friendships have definitely suffered over the past few years. Read #2 for more.
If we step back and take an honest look, I wonder if others can see how an A creates toxins in our body and mind that affect every facet of our lives. We can rationalize a lot, can't we?
Another one:
I've had three old friends reach out to me in the past week. They know nothing of the A, but out of nowhere they checked in to see how I was doing? Coincidence maybe, but that's the point.
In one case, I can unequivocally say that I was out of contact with this person because I was embarrassed of the circumstances I was in. I know that I could have comfortably shared any marital issues with him, even a D, but there was NO WAY I could ask him to support me in the A. They are family friends, I would never have done that. So, for him to reach out just as I am doing the hard work to end the A, is meaningful to me.
So, I know that I might simply be rationalizing these things for some encouragement, but positive signs never hurt. Many of us on this board have a tendency to beat on ourselves and focus on the grief (it's part of healing), but we deserve some positive stuff too. I'd love to hear if anyone can see any good happening as the fog is lifting.
MPV

Interesting perspective Malepov.
myShadow (cuz surely this isn't the real me)
Thanks so much. I know that you are suffering too and I appreciate your good wishes.
As you read that piece on Sexual Ethics, don't beat yourself up. Try to use it as a way to understand the extent of the impact from the choices that we make. When we are under the spell of the drug, we are willing to set aside our ethics, our morals and our true selves. We all did it, we all need to understand that and we all need to accept responsibility for it. I have yet to read a post from someone who felt that getting into the A was a good idea.
BTW, Another friend that I haven't heard from in months got in touch tonight, asking simply, "All Okay?". There is no way he knows what I am in the middle of right now. I'd like to believe in the karmic coincidence.
MPV
Hi MPV...better? :)
It doesn't surprise me that friends...even ones that fell by the wayside...are reaching out to make contact.
WC,
UGH...that cell phone thing happens to me all the time; with the DW.
Maybe I am more plugged into the grid than I've realized.
MPV