Keeping the focus on ME. Who's with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2010
Keeping the focus on ME. Who's with me?
8
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 10:10pm

I've got absolutely no stone to throw for those of you who have struggled this week and fallen down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 10:13pm

I am here, and I am with you.

Your resolve jumps through the screen. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Thank you for the powerful quote: you rock.

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2010
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 10:35pm

Thanks TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 10:52pm

Please never forget that you are NEVER alone - not with the pain and not with the ending. When I came to this board almost a year ago, I was BROKEN too. I couldn't get out of bed, I was crying non-stop, I had migraines, I couldn't recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror. I was at the bottom of a very deep well. I had lost my H and was STRUGGLING to eat and was taking any medication I could get my hands on to sleep. People stepped into my life to help care for my kids while I completely de-railed, fed me, held me - including my H. They were scared for me - because they could see it wasn't just the ending of the A I was facing, but the fog giving way revealing the damage I had done.

You see I ended my A WAAAAAAYYYYYYYY too late. Ya, of course I shouldn't have started it to begin with, BUT once in it I quickly spiraled down into the darkest & scariest place I had ever been, taking all I loved down with me. There were moments when I ended it when I wasn't so sure I would live through the pain - the pain of what I had done to myself, to my family, to my XAP and his family, to our friends ... the pain of the loss (of myself, my marriage, my dignity ...). THERE WAS SO MUCH PAIN.

But within a few weeks, I could really start to see the light. I started to take care of myself, I started to DEMAND MORE OF MYSELF than curling up into a little ball and letting this defeat me. I owed it to my children to get my crap together ... and then I finally recognized that I owed it to myself to get my crap together. The damages were done and I would NEED TO BE STRONG if I was going to heal effectively. I DID NOT WANT TO PLAY THE VICTIM. I had worked with real victims of violence almost all of my adult life, and I simply would NOT allow myself to feel victimized BY MY OWN CHOICES.

In this case, I was a perpetrator - yup. I actively and knowingly hurt innocent people, people who loved & respected me. People who trusted me. People may disagree with me, but this has been a valuable part of my healing journey - to identify the distorted thinking in my thought patterns that allowed me to justify my actions at the expense of all those around me. I had to see my affair for what it was, I had to see myself and my xAP for what we were ... we acted in ways that damaged our loved ones emotionally, mentally, psychologically, physically - in every other area of my life I would be calling that abusive behavior. And now I see it as just that - abusive. I wouldn't excuse the behaviour's of my client's abusers because they had hurts in their pasts ... so I wasn't about to excuse my own. Call a spade a spade, take responsibility, seek help and redemption. Those were/are my goals.

Of course you are sad and brokenhearted --- your journey has just begun. This is part of the ending process ... don't get discouraged by it, there are no instant fixes here, no magic saying or instant solution ... this is a long process filled with tremendous personal challenges, but if you stay the course you'll one day soon(er) be able to laugh right from your belly, look in the mirror and love who you see & go hours/days/weeks without a passing thought of xAP.

Much Love to you,

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 11:09pm

Hi UBMe,

Ive got through a few good days and i think I am doing ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Fri, 12-24-2010 - 9:21am

UBM,

You are looking in the right direction--within. That is where the hidden treasure is buried. Your wonderful, loving, happy self is in there, begging to get out. Dig, dig, dig. Keep asking questions. Keeping answering them honestly. Don't get distracted by any nuggets of bright, shiny fools gold. You are going to get to that little hidden treasure chest and when you open it, STAND THE EFF BACK. UBM will be unleashed and the world will never be the same!!!:smileywink:

So proud of you for staying the course and having faith in this process. Huge hugs, sweetie.

~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 12-24-2010 - 12:44pm

IM WITH YOU TO WIN IT UBM....

LETS GO...We'll drag eachother across the finish line of self happiness...doesnt matter how we get there!!!

Im sorry the EMOTIONAL CUTTER IN YOU (I LOVED THAT BTW!!

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 12-24-2010 - 12:57pm

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((UNBREAKME))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

those werent just HUGS...THAT IS HOLDING.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN. JUST YOURS. I REALLY HEAR YOU HURTING HONEY, AND IT BREAKS MY HEART.

You are NOT alone in your pain.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2010
Fri, 12-24-2010 - 6:06pm
Thanks everyone...I love you guys. I really do. Could not make it without this place.

Michelle, thanks for your encouragement and for "seeing" me. I am having a really hard time but I am holding on. I keep reading and hearing that it gets easier. That the pain dulls in time and I am trying to wait for that. Contact would only slow down the arrival of the less searing pain, so that keeps me committed.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Lots of love,
Unbreakme