For Kerry, my reply helped me LEARN!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
For Kerry, my reply helped me LEARN!
1
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 5:50pm
I posted this to Kerry and saw a strength I never knew I had!!
Kerry, I have lurked on this board for A LONG time, I have been in my A for 5 years just recently attempting the NC again. I post hear and there but I can not tell you how many times I have ended it just to get that I am sorry it will be different phone call and get sucked right back in. And as soon as I am IN again things go right back to the way they are, when I am DONE he calls and chases me send me flowers then when things are ok they go right back to normal, he calls when it is convenient for him, treats me bad etc. So it got to the point where I was ending it DAILY to get a reaction and some response from him THIS WAS AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. Well I ended it Sunday, (read my posts)Monday he came over and brought flowers DID NOT WANT TO DISCUSS why I was so miserable just wanted it to be back to normal. Then HE thought ok I gave her flowers she is fine he went right back to his normal ways, talking to me like he owned me. I am done, the only time he wants me is when it is a challenge if he loved me he would leave his wife, I WAS MARRIED WHEN THIS started. I went through a bad divorce for what NOTHING! He is still married with his family lost NOTHING. But that is ok because in the long run I will be happier this entire A has forced me to look at my child hood and deal with all my insecurity issues that forced me to cheat in the first place and I am going to be a happier stronger person when it is all done! I just started at the gym and love it, I DO NOT HAVE TO GO STRAIGHT HOME like he used to tell me. He was so jealous and controlling. I HATED IT!!My kds and I are so much happier, yes I miss him, I miss the man I thought he was, a friend asked me if I love him. I love the passion I love the excitement, do I love the way he treats me NO the way he treats his family NO the way he treats my kids NO, Do I respect him NO. SO Do I love him NO. I love the fantasy I built in my MIND! It will never be a reality with him, but if I let go of the dream it will be with another man that deserves it!!
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 9:06am

i am so proud of you!

Keep up the good work and don't go back! you can do it!

jen