A kinder, gentler place?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
A kinder, gentler place?
26
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:41pm
Hello all. Well, I added my .02 to the thread "ENDing an affair," which sincerely reflected how I felt about that one particular post. On the whole, however, I just wanted to throw out there that some of us struggle with feelings, not actions. And we need a place to share those feelings with others. (I don't mean, "I'm thinking about calling his cellphone and hanging up and claiming it was an accident, what do you all think?" or "I'm going to end my A right after we go spend a weekend away together.") I mean those legitimate feelings of being frightened, sad, lonely. I mean addressing the urges to call or IM - when we know we aren't actually going to act on them. Or when we're afraid we might act on them. I mean sitting in our feelings of sadness and sharing them with others just long enough to figure out WHY we're feeling the way we do. Simply suppressing these feelings in the name of NC is only going to create white-knuckle fidelity.

Many of us are in individual counseling, and many of us are thinking about it. Perhaps some constructive topics - not just on "oh, I miss my XMM so much I could shoot myself!" but discussions on the positives - what we're learning about ourselves as a result of the A, how we're putting our marriages back together, what we're doing with all our new spare time, etc.

I must admit, I have felt quite a bit of negative energy on this board of late. I personally was very surprised to read about how many folks are intimidated to post here, and ya know, that shouldn't be the case. (I personally am usually not bright enough to get intimidated...) but I think when an open forum for discussion becomes a place that creates tension and intimidation in those people who seek/need support, maybe it's time to address the atmosphere.

Without lambasting anyone while still keeping in mind that the A should actually be ended in order to participate, isn't there a way to generate greater integration of where we all are in our journeys?? Is it possible to create some different categories where you can go just to post/vent what you need to; i.e. maybe we have a section for folks who just want to vent that they miss their ex without getting berated for their feelings. Maybe a section for those who need a smack upside the head with 2x4. Maybe a section for those who are having difficulty maintaining NC - that way others who are struggling KNOW not to read those posts. Maybe a section for those who have just initiated NC. Whatever.

Just some thoughts, folks. The negative energy here has actually become pretty apparent and I just wanted to share my input before I sign off this board for good - which I really don't want to do because I can only afford to see my therapist once a week!!!! LOL. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:48pm
hey mo,

just wanted to say that don't disappear since i did read your posts while being in an A and your posts did stand out since you used to be so realistic and so open with no specific agenda. i think you are a valuable asset here. i agree with you that people in affairs here tend to make it more difficult for people who are not but then again i think people needing to end and needing motivation need help too. maybe ivillage should create ended affairs and ending affairs.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 6:26pm
I agree with your post. Support should be given in this board.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 6:30pm
Hmmm, PG, the idea of coming to a support board with an agenda is interesting... thanks for your input. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 7:32pm
I do agree. Some people like to post and be very rude. If your A left you angry and hurt then learn from it. But don't act rude to people that are sharing their feelings. Its almost as if, you ended the affair for good and now you are better than the others that are trying to end theirs. We all have skeletons hanging in our closets.

I agree enough with the negative energy. Also the Affair Support board people are great. They support you if you ended your A. So you can always post there too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 7:39pm
Thank you toomuchdrama!!!

For your post in the other column.

I feel an emense amount of support from you. Thank you again.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 11:31pm
"sup·port ( P ) Pronunciation Key (s-pôrt, -prt)

tr.v. sup·port·ed, sup·port·ing, sup·ports

1. To bear the weight of, especially from below.

2. To hold in position so as to keep from falling, sinking, or slipping.

3. To be capable of bearing; withstand: “His flaw'd heart... too weak the conflict to support” (Shakespeare).

4. To keep from weakening or failing; strengthen: The letter supported him in his grief.

5. To provide for or maintain, by supplying with money or necessities.

6. To furnish corroborating evidence for: New facts supported her story.

To aid the cause, policy, or interests of: supported her in her election campaign.

To argue in favor of; advocate: supported lower taxes.

To endure; tolerate: “At supper there was such a conflux of company that I could scarcely support the tumult” (Samuel Johnson).

To act in a secondary or subordinate role to (a leading performer).

n.

The act of supporting.

The state of being supported.

One that supports.

Maintenance, as of a family, with the necessities of life."

Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.

Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

_________________________________________________________________

Support is what I see being given on this board every day. Be it the commiseration of the {{{{{Username}}}}} type of support -or- the type that isn't so huggy-kissy but which *might* actually prompt some new thought or promote a different perspective. Both types of support certainly have their positive aspects and both types are certainly freely distributed on this board.

Facing reality and truths after having had your head buried in a warm-fuzzy fantasy affair bubble is harsh. Truth is something that is incredibly precious to me for reasons which have been laid out many times in 250-odd posts to this board to date.

If we aren't seeking our own truths as well as our own self-knowledge & self-awareness, well, why are we here?

If it's a cheerleading squad for perpetuating false hopes & dreams, or promoting one's own needs/wants at the expense of others' needs/wants, or the pep squad for the If-I-Ignore-It-Then-It'll-Just-All-Go-Away team, then with absolutely no apologies whatsoever please count me out.

Posie x

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 11:49pm
Posie

Don't you dare count yourself out.

Some people may want to avoid it but the plain truth is the best thing that will ever happen to them, kind of like cod liver oil tastes like SH$T but real good for you.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:49am

Well I had to pop out of lurk mode when I saw this post.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 4:30am
Hiya Someday,

Under your "Experience header," I'd have to go with one of my earliest posts here although I've posted my experiences many times since and in far more detail.

http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-rlending/?msg=13813.3

For "Strength", I'd plump for:-

http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-rlending/?msg=14439.6

"I'm altogether in a more calm & peaceful place where I need only police my own actions. I know full well I'd not have listened to anyone else whilst in the grip of my own EMA so I'm not sure exactly why I presumed anyone might be able to "hear" me either."

Under "Hope" here's one:-

http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-rlending/?msg=14290.7

"It's not a quick-fix, Survive. The pain & withdrawal symptom effects slowly fade in both frequency & intensity, but they do fade. In their place you find strength and you reclaim the integrity & often self-esteem you threw away when you embarked upon an affair. More than anything, I cherish the fact that I'm not ashamed to look at the lady that gazes back from me in the mirror in the mornings."

And since we're at it, here's why I post:-

http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-rlending/?msg=14617.6

And this is an interesting slant on the definition of "support" from the MAS board.

http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-rlmyaffair/?msg=38106.3

"I do think even the most dissenting opions from people like PG and Posie are meant to promote our best interests as they perceive them from their viewpoint. For that reason, I have to think this board is as valid a place as EaA for them to participate. In some meaningful ways, their participation is the very essence of support." ~rain~

_________________________

I guess it's understandable that people tend to remember the posts which make them think - whether that sparks defensiveness or whether it simply prompts an "aha" moment of clarity in a foggy, unclear time. Given the nature of this board, sometimes both simultaneously.

Run a few searches on people's names/nicknames and you can get a feel for where they've been, how they've travelled there, and you can often see and be inspired by just how far they've come in their time on the board. It makes for an interesting read. I find inspiration from people here and on other boards. It's all here and when you've exhausted the more recent files, check the archives also because there are many more stories of those who came before us, too.

We're all seeking truths, I've linked a few of mine since I don't feel it appropriate to be taking stock of anyone elses' posts. I've added one thread which isn't my own, however, it is relevant to this particular thread. It's down to all of us as individuals to take from the posts on this and other boards whatever works for us as individuals. What works for one may not work for another. Just leave whatever doesn't work for you (general) behind.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie




Edited 11/9/2004 8:16 am ET ET by posiepops

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 9:25am
I totally agree with you Someday. Posie can speak her mind all she wants but I see criticism not support.

Thank god for the "ignore post" button.

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