A kinder, gentler place?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
A kinder, gentler place?
26
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:41pm
Hello all. Well, I added my .02 to the thread "ENDing an affair," which sincerely reflected how I felt about that one particular post. On the whole, however, I just wanted to throw out there that some of us struggle with feelings, not actions. And we need a place to share those feelings with others. (I don't mean, "I'm thinking about calling his cellphone and hanging up and claiming it was an accident, what do you all think?" or "I'm going to end my A right after we go spend a weekend away together.") I mean those legitimate feelings of being frightened, sad, lonely. I mean addressing the urges to call or IM - when we know we aren't actually going to act on them. Or when we're afraid we might act on them. I mean sitting in our feelings of sadness and sharing them with others just long enough to figure out WHY we're feeling the way we do. Simply suppressing these feelings in the name of NC is only going to create white-knuckle fidelity.

Many of us are in individual counseling, and many of us are thinking about it. Perhaps some constructive topics - not just on "oh, I miss my XMM so much I could shoot myself!" but discussions on the positives - what we're learning about ourselves as a result of the A, how we're putting our marriages back together, what we're doing with all our new spare time, etc.

I must admit, I have felt quite a bit of negative energy on this board of late. I personally was very surprised to read about how many folks are intimidated to post here, and ya know, that shouldn't be the case. (I personally am usually not bright enough to get intimidated...) but I think when an open forum for discussion becomes a place that creates tension and intimidation in those people who seek/need support, maybe it's time to address the atmosphere.

Without lambasting anyone while still keeping in mind that the A should actually be ended in order to participate, isn't there a way to generate greater integration of where we all are in our journeys?? Is it possible to create some different categories where you can go just to post/vent what you need to; i.e. maybe we have a section for folks who just want to vent that they miss their ex without getting berated for their feelings. Maybe a section for those who need a smack upside the head with 2x4. Maybe a section for those who are having difficulty maintaining NC - that way others who are struggling KNOW not to read those posts. Maybe a section for those who have just initiated NC. Whatever.

Just some thoughts, folks. The negative energy here has actually become pretty apparent and I just wanted to share my input before I sign off this board for good - which I really don't want to do because I can only afford to see my therapist once a week!!!! LOL. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 10:50am
ME <<------------ Scratching my head looking dumbfounded.....

<<<>>>>

Maybe I need a new pair of "spectacles" but when reading Posie's posts, I have yet to see criticism; maybe some harsh reality stuff, but hey ladies, we are dealing with a serious addiction here, coupled with fraud and theft.

Affairs are addictions. We become hooked and the only way to become UNHOOKED is thorugh tough love and support. (NC needs to be instituted on your part) !!!!

Affairs are fradulent: It is not a real relationship and was created in fantasyland. Both participants are hiding, sneaking, and lying to be together.

Affairs cause us to steal: We are stealing time, bodies and emotions from someone's wife, husband, or significant other. Your MM/MW/AP does NOT belong to you. They never have. Why is that so difficult to understand????


Ms. Drama2004,

I would be delighted in your supplying this board with a link to just one of Posey's criticizing posts and I, on the other hand, will supply you with 20 or more supportive posts she has written for off-setting it. Fair enough?

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:19am
I noticed that some people were particularly harsh to Dallas a week or so ago and I think she is gone. I am sorry for that.

Most of what I have seen is very supportive but there have been a few occassions when I have felt it was too harsh

We have to remember how weak and sad everyone is who starts coming here and be a little kinder and gentler

I have been reading the archives and found that it was a little more uplifting of a feeling with that group

I still have been enormously helped here and I personally never have nor do I want to look on the support for the affair board because that is not where I am anymore and I don't want to see that old pain at least this pain has a direction to go up and out of the pit we got ourselves into.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:51am
Coming from someone who does/did feel unwelcome at times, I can say Posie was anything but that. Posie speaks it like she sees it. That is support. Posie is also repectful. I think that is what is lacking in some of the harsher posts. There is attitude present, like someone is saying what are you here.. we are so done with that stuff. I agree that when you are faced with something difficlut like ending an A, you at times need "tough love" but some people forget the love part or maybe better said the human part!

Posie needs no defense. She is an asset to any board!!

Bria

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:53am
Hiya B,

I could not agree with you more. I support Posie all the way, WHY? She tells it like it is. I rather have truth be told and honesty. Reality for some of us is hard to handle.

I have learned alot from Posie and her advice and support is wonderful. Hope you are doing well.

Take Care....

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 12:09pm
I have to agree in support of Posie and everyone else that has ever responded to my posts. I have gotten tough love and straightforward responses even when I didn't want to hear it. Without Posie and the others I would have cracked.

Ending an A and everything else that goes along with it, rebuilding M, D, whatever it is can not be sugarcoated. Only the honest truth will get you thru this time.

Please don't go anywhere Posie.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 12:14pm
<<>>>

For me, A day without Posie, is a day without sunshine. Her words and wisdom continually light my way through a journey half finished, IMO. My 4.5 year affair chewed up huge chunks of my self esteem and integrity and it was not until I saw only 1/2 a person in the mirror, did I finally take action. When I started posting here I NEEDED those daily doses of reality, so Posey's sunshine supplied me with enough Vitamin A and D to stay emotionally healthy on those gray and dreary days.

I still have to see my XMM every single workday. He just left here a few moments ago and I always breath easier when he's gone. So you see, I still have struggles, issues, and reality checks that need fine tuning and adjustments constantly, regardless of it being over for 6 months now.

And Ladybug, thanks for your sentiments. I am doing good and wish the same for you.

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:03pm
Wow. I clicked on this thread today to find that this seemed to turn into a "Posie" popularity contest. Unfortunate. My point is that Posie's particular brand of recovery suits many people (myself included, at times) in ending their A. But isn't there some way to restructure this board so we can avoid those posts and situations that ignite us, while clicking onto those posts and situations we do want to hear about???? Its not terribly unorthodox, many other boards are set up that way.

Frankly, when I'm struggling and not wanting to Text Message the XMM, I DO need the kind of kick in the butt and outright honesty that, well, Posie for one is able to give out. However, I really don't want to click on a thread that's glorifying the final romp in the hay or the musings of someone half in and half out of an A.

For me, personally, I just want to be left out of the controversy. I don't personally care what other folks choose to do. If you want to bash, great. Have at it. I want the type of support I need, and I want to offer my "experience, strength and hope" to others. My brand of support is a bit different from other folks' brand, true, but that doesn't mean that I, or any other poster here, doesn't have some words of wisdom for everyone. Just for me, I cannot frustrate myself with fence-sitting. And it's not because I'm critical of their approach to ending their A's, or because I'm weak (although I'm humble enough to admit that I am from time to time), it's just because I don't want to start myself to thinking...

I may not be as tough as other posters here. I'm committed, yeah, but I occasionally get soppy and sentimental, have PMS, hear a certain song, and I just want to vent it to get it out of my head. As we also say in recovery, "PAIN SHARED IS PAIN LESSENED."

I'm not sure I'm articulating this well - in fact, I'm pretty sure I'm not. This was not intended to result in honesty-bashing or an attack on people's own personal styles of lending support. It was simply to suggest a way we might be able to access the information we want/need to have without opening ourselves up to things that we're not quite up to being a part of.

For whatever it's worth, I'm sorry that this thread simply served to magnify the negativity and conflict that's been surrounding this board for awhile. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:14pm


Your Welcome True,

I am glad to see you are doing well. Just started NC again after almost 2 months of staying strong. I dont know how you deal with seeing him everyday, Just when I thought I was ok A simple Pic of him threw me completely off my focus of being strong and keeping the NC. NOT TO MENTION THE FACT OF HIM TRYING TO CONTACT ME AGAIN. SO HERE GOES AGAIN. Day 5 of starting all over again.

Take Care....

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:25pm
And this chain is support?

Only a few posters have given support to me. I do want to hear what I need to hear and it does not have to be caring or drill sargent like- but the new posters are just that - New

Fresh hurt

not hurt from months - years gone by -

Fresh hurt - if any of you can really remember - destroys your will. You have no one to share your hurt with.

Who needs to hear the truth and get kicked in the gut at the same time.

If that is what we will get by some of the posters - might as well break NC and get kicked by the X -

Isn't that stupid!!!!!!!!!!!

This is where we are to go for support and to vent and to tell eachother when we have messed up.

Or are victorious.

I felt sorry for myself earlier - now I dont. I feel sorry for all you bitter people. And - I will try my hardest to show and encourage support to those who ask for it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:30pm
Anna,

We are not bitter. We are struggling. There is a difference.

<<>>

And that will be greatly appreciated.

~True~