A kinder, gentler place?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
A kinder, gentler place?
26
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:41pm
Hello all. Well, I added my .02 to the thread "ENDing an affair," which sincerely reflected how I felt about that one particular post. On the whole, however, I just wanted to throw out there that some of us struggle with feelings, not actions. And we need a place to share those feelings with others. (I don't mean, "I'm thinking about calling his cellphone and hanging up and claiming it was an accident, what do you all think?" or "I'm going to end my A right after we go spend a weekend away together.") I mean those legitimate feelings of being frightened, sad, lonely. I mean addressing the urges to call or IM - when we know we aren't actually going to act on them. Or when we're afraid we might act on them. I mean sitting in our feelings of sadness and sharing them with others just long enough to figure out WHY we're feeling the way we do. Simply suppressing these feelings in the name of NC is only going to create white-knuckle fidelity.

Many of us are in individual counseling, and many of us are thinking about it. Perhaps some constructive topics - not just on "oh, I miss my XMM so much I could shoot myself!" but discussions on the positives - what we're learning about ourselves as a result of the A, how we're putting our marriages back together, what we're doing with all our new spare time, etc.

I must admit, I have felt quite a bit of negative energy on this board of late. I personally was very surprised to read about how many folks are intimidated to post here, and ya know, that shouldn't be the case. (I personally am usually not bright enough to get intimidated...) but I think when an open forum for discussion becomes a place that creates tension and intimidation in those people who seek/need support, maybe it's time to address the atmosphere.

Without lambasting anyone while still keeping in mind that the A should actually be ended in order to participate, isn't there a way to generate greater integration of where we all are in our journeys?? Is it possible to create some different categories where you can go just to post/vent what you need to; i.e. maybe we have a section for folks who just want to vent that they miss their ex without getting berated for their feelings. Maybe a section for those who need a smack upside the head with 2x4. Maybe a section for those who are having difficulty maintaining NC - that way others who are struggling KNOW not to read those posts. Maybe a section for those who have just initiated NC. Whatever.

Just some thoughts, folks. The negative energy here has actually become pretty apparent and I just wanted to share my input before I sign off this board for good - which I really don't want to do because I can only afford to see my therapist once a week!!!! LOL. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:39pm
Thanks btrue........ I do not feel that way about all the posters.

They know who they are - and they are angry more than they are happy. It spills over into there everyday lives - I hope they find the peace that they preach.

To your comment - BINGO!!!!!!!!!

We are struggling. ALL of us. Lets not forget that everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 3:53pm
Mom,

"But isn't there some way to restructure this board so we can avoid those posts and situations that ignite us, while clicking onto those posts and situations we do want to hear about???? Its not terribly unorthodox, many other boards are set up that way."

Your idea is not a bad one but unfortunately CL_Noregrets was the person you should have presented this to. He wrote on Monday that he won't be back to the boards until tomorrow or Thursday, I forget, but it's in Nov 7th posts somewhere....

Just wondering though, if you read some of CL's posts, he can get harsh too if he sees that certain posters just aren't "GETTING" it. I think that is when most of us old-posters lose our patience, even though that is no excuse for being nasty. I apologize to anyone I may have been too blunt to, and I will bite hard on my index finger's middle knuckle the next time I get rattled.

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 4:38pm
Thanks, True. In retrospect, I guess I should have brought this up when CL was available to join the debate, and I think I probably will when he returns.

No, I don't think you have been overly critical. I just think in general the overall tone of this board has changed, and it isn't always nice here. I see some regular posters disappearing and I don't know if its because of the atmosphere here, or not. I know that I, for one, would think long and hard before coming to this board for support when I had a fleeting thought about my XMM for fear of being trashed. There are days when I can handle a good stern lecture, and days when I'm just not up to it. But that's my problem and everyone in this community need not cater to my moods. My thought is just to allow some safe haven for folks to vent when they feel sentimental or emotional or its the XMM's birthday, or any other one of those triggers that make up momentarily insane. Thanks for your input. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 9:30pm
i am just new here so maybe my opinion doesn't hold much weight here but just wanted to add to the “posie popularity contest” by saying that I empathize with everybody including posie. i think posie gets a lot of heat sometimes including at the MAS board. i sometimes don't agree with what she says but i realize that it takes a lot of effort on her or Free's end (or somebody else like that) to continuously respond to so many people and pull them out of their situations. i mean if they were "bitter", they are still using that to give something good to somebody else. i classify them as givers (and which is a lot) even if i don't agree with what they say. i mean just think about what would they personally get out these situations, they are not paid counselors or anything like that except the feeling that they helped somebody. So lets be gentle with everybody.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 10:14pm
ITA, Posie.
Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 12:36am

Thank you Mo for an astute post on what the purpose of this board serves to all posters.


I believe it is time for this thread to wind down.


I also believe that there have been several posts of late that seem to be rather judgemental on a personal level. Please, all of you, take

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