Knock it off

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Knock it off
3
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 11:47am

Hi All:

My title sounds harsh, and it's one that would have NEVER reached me back in the day.

But I come back to this board on occasion in the hopes that something I say might reach someone.

I am happily re-married long after ending a really toxic A and then getting out of my marriage.

I wish and wish and wish that tough love had worked on me back when I was in the throes of my A.
Our love was like no other, etc... But if I could do it all over again, this is what it would have looked like:

1). Identify that my marriage and my own issues really needed attention.

2). Notice that I am "open" to flirting with men while a married woman. Acknowledge that this is a sign of trouble and not a "once in a magical moment" love connection with another man.

3). Seek outside help for what is going on with ME.

4). Seriously address whether it's best to stay in my marriage (for some this is a great choice) and KNOCK OFF thinking that another man will solve things. Or, face the fact that I am best to get a D and THEN begin to explore healthy honest relationships in the light of day!

5). Take off the misty rose colored glasses and see that there is nothing poetic, exciting or flattering (yes, flattering) about being in an affair.

I truly hope this resonates with someone here!!

If I can make it out of this nasty toxic lifestyle, so can you!

Gilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
In reply to: gilly26
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 12:29pm

Awesome post!


Thanks for sharing!


L

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
In reply to: gilly26
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 1:26pm

Gilly,
Straight and to the point. Love it! I'm glad you're doing well now.

AAI

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: gilly26
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 2:03pm

Please put this post in the healing library. This is a really good one. I totally agree!


2). Notice that I am "open" to flirting with men while a married woman. Acknowledge that this is a sign of trouble and not a "once in a magical moment" love connection with another man.


This is a really good one and this is what we need to remember when we say someone "pursued" us while we were M or a MM "pursued" me when I was S. We have to recognize that we are allowing ourselves to be "pursued". I had to realize this because before the fog cleared I would tell myself that my single XAP "pursued" me relentlesly. Why did I as a M woman allow myself to be "pursued".