Knowing vs. Wanting

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
Knowing vs. Wanting
10
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 3:44pm

Hello All...


I am still struggling with ending this affair. We are on Day 6 NC - one of those deals where I know it's NC but he doesn't. One of the things that keeps resonating with me that I read on here over and over is that the affair won't be over until you WANT it to be over. Honestly (and I am a little ashamed to admit this) I don't want it to be over. It's been killing me the crumbs of his time and attention he has been throwing at me, keeping me at an arms length and disappointing me time and time again, so I think I KNOW I need to end it. I am suffering so with him. But I still WANT him to contact me, WANT him to tell me he will give me more time, WANT him to beg...and then what? I'll say no thanks and walk? I don't know if I can do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 4:30pm

Well, Livefortoday, I really really understand where you are coming from.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 4:36pm

Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me! (hand waving in the air!)

Ha.

Ok, so listen. This is the first time I feel like I can post something and firmly know what the hell I'm talking about! I DID NOT WANT IT TO END... neither did my xAP. When I first came to this board, I only _knew_ it had to end, but my heart absolutely did NOT. I didn't even really, truly buy that this was the End End. I was not ready to listen to my head and my heart was sabotaging all reason.

Also, my marriage was in the crapper - like you.

This is how it's going to go: You will continue to read and post here. You will start to resonate more with the reasons to end the affair, you're going to have that dreamy fog lift and be horrified with yourself and the A, you'll determine to let the fog lift before you make any decisions re: your M, and you'll begin to rebuild your self-esteem and learn to love yourself more than the AP, the highs of the A or any of those other addictions that drug you down. You'll look back in two months, feeling much better, and you'll *gasp* re-reading your posts that you ever, ever, ever felt you wanted that X and that A.

As far as your email is concerned, yes, I've done that. If you keep picking at that wound, it won't heal. I bet you already know what you have to do, don't you? Stop it.

xoxox
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 4:55pm

Oh good Lord I could've written your entire message myself.

myShadow (cuz surely this isn't the real me)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2010
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 5:16pm

I'm so relieved to read your post.

Imustenjoypain!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 7:03pm

Hi livefortoday2009


Your post describes exactly how I felt. It's been 11 months since I ended things because I too was tired of

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 7:35pm

Dear livefortoday,


Every single thing you wrote applies to me, even down to watching the 0 online.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 7:52pm

I am with you too ... don't want to, but know I have to. And when I really think about how much further I was willing to go, well, I knew I was in trouble when I was saying to him that I have set my expectations at ground level so that he can start to meet some ... that this was the only way he wasn't going to lose me. WTF?! Ground-level expectations? This is what I was asking for myself.

-i'v lost my partner, the father of my children to this
-i'm losing the income to support our two residences
-i'v lost all my self-esteem, many friends, confidence, self-respect,
my feminist principles and morals
-i've lost so much time ...

While watching his family grow, literally, we had A through their first pregnancy, called me while she was in labour and the first call after baby was born... I watched my family drift away. I have watched them save money, while we had our heat cut-off (because of paying an extra rent now). I listened to his plans for their next baby, while I cried silently inside. I have held his W while she cried wondering why they had become so distant - I can't go any lower.

Nope - I don't want this to end. Am I crazy? Right now, probably a little, but I didn't start out this way. So that's why I KNOW it has to end.

j.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 8:05pm

I finally understand what addiction really feels like. He sent text this morning arranging next get together and I

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 8:17pm
I know exactly what you mean. I've also been checking my e-mail 100 times a day, hoping that he's going to send something.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2010
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 10:48pm

"Oh- and one more thing...does or did anyone in their affair or ending it keep their e-mail account open all day at their desk just to see if they log on? I feel like a crazy person, watching that "0 online" line all day....Ughhhhhhh"

Omg, I know exactly how that is. I feel like a crazy person as well. We should not be putting ourselves through this. I also know that things should end and I have recently just tried to end things...again. Hopefully it works this time, but I have just been crying all day. Its kind of pathetic and I can see that. He doesn't care until I no longer care. Then he comes back and of course he says all of the right things and I go crawling back. Good luck with ending it and if you need someone to talk to here I am going through the exact same thing. Your post sounded like it came from my mouth.

Take care