The Last Chapter

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
The Last Chapter
5
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 2:48pm

Well, I finally reached the last chapter in this A story of mine. It's been awhile since I posted anything about my own particular story, but in a nutshell...I had an A for a little over a year. We're both married. At the time it happened, we were both very unhappy with our relationships. Both of us had spouses that drank too much, weren't there emotionally or physically for us, had cheated on us. Somehow, we ended up in this A. For about the first six months, I was very happy doing this. He was attentive, sweet, respectful. Then things started to go south. First, she got pregnant. He didn't know for sure it was even his baby, but he didn't really force the issue with her, either. He started to be not as respectful of me i.e. not calling when he said, not following through with plans, etc. In the meantime, my H started getting very suspicious, combative and even more difficult to live with. During the next six months, I tried to break it off several times. It wasn't making me very happy anymore. I felt guilty, depressed, etc. I always ended up going back to it. I was weak, and I still craved the attention. He would go in and out of degrees of his behavior towards me. Sometimes he would be very attentive, demonstrative, calling me all the time, etc. Other times, he would seem to just be blowing me off, which of course made me upset. I finally reached a point where I had enough of this whole sordid thing. I threw my cell phone away and told him I couldn't do it anymore. I broke the NC just a few times after that. I confessed all to my H and we separated. That was three months ago.

In the last three months, I have not called him, attempted to call him or attempted to see him. I do have no doubt that if I were to have called him, he would have seen me at some point or another. He does like his sex, that's for sure. But I haven't. I've really seen the error and selfishness and destructiveness of this A. To me and to my H. We are trying to work things out, but it's a slow and painful and maybe ultimately not even successful process. One of the things that he demanded was that I come clean with the OM's wife. He knew who he was, and knew he was married and knew where his wife worked. One night, he got drunk and went down and told her we had an A. I denied it. So for him, I needed to set the record stratight in order for him to move past it. I debated it long and hard. Part of me wanted to jump right in and do it, because I love my H, and I wanted to make him feel better. The other part felt it was wrong to involve her.

-One aside: I met this man through her, and I met her through a friend of mine that was having an affair with her.-

Ok, so right before Thanksgiving, my friend that had been having an affair with her when I met her H (it ended shortly after that, and he wasn't her first), ran into her at a bar. He was staying in a hotel near there for a couple of days while they did some work on his house. She came over to his hotel and drank and took a jacuzzi, naked, in front of him and tried to get him to sleep with her, which he didn't. After he told me this, I decided, "what the hell. why am i not just calling her and telling her the truth so that DH feels better, when she's obviously still up to her old ways?". So, I decided to do it. I happened to mention it to my friend that I was going to do it. He ends up going to see her H, whom he's very friendly with (weird, I know), and he gets all irate about it. Why would I want to dump on his life, ruin his life, what about the children, yada, yada, yada. This makes me angry because I have protected this man many times over the year of our A, including being thrown out of my house at all hours of the morning because I wouldn't give out his number or where he lived, being yelled at, just on and on. He never had to step up to the plate and take a bullet for me....EVER. He had the nerve to sit there and say that my telling his wife would ruin his life, when she goes out and parties all the time, does things with others, and he knows it! I just had it. I decided to hell with him. So I met with the wife. Told her the truth, and you know what she said? She said that everybody makes mistakes, and not to worry about it. She even invited me over for dinner (no, not a menage a trois type). It was surreal. Of course, I politely declinded. No thanks.

So, the cat is out of the bag. I have nothing more to protect. My H and I are still very much trying, although also very much separated. And the OM? In the end, he made it very clear that a lying, cheating, disrespectful wife was more important in his life, more important to consider, than someone who had treated him like a king, and I did. I gave him money on more than one occasion, gave him practically all the presents for his kids for Christmas last year because they had no money, paid for drinks, coffees, you name it. I do know that he cared for me. He did. But in the end, he cared about saving his sorry little a@@ more than he did me. And his wife didn't even care! My friend thinks that probably the reason he was so upset was because he knows that it's up for me. There's no more going back. His wife doesn't give a hoot, and the one woman who really did, has walked away and not looked back.

So, that's my tale. Today, I can sleep at night because I know that I'm not lying and cheating and hurting. I am living my life the right way. I have lots of hope for my DH and I, yet I also know that I am not the only person responsible for what happened in our lives. He has a lot of changing to do himself if he wants to be with me. But I've changed, and I don't feel guily or bad anymore.

There is hope for a new life after this mess for all of us. If you let it. You just have to get tired of the whole thing. Once you really do, and you really see the A for what it was, and not what it wasn't, you will be free, you'll walk away, and you'll be happy.

d

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 5:39pm

D

You and your husband have my best wishs, with the strength you have displayed I believe you guys can recover from this mess and go onto a brighter future together.

Blessings on you and yours.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 11:09pm
SM,
Wow! What a strong woman you are. Being able to sleep, knowing you are on the right path, is priceless. May we all be able to have that someday.
Newsgal
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 5:08pm

Newsgal:

Thank you for your words. Yes, it does feel good to know that I am no longer participating in anything where I have to lie and deceive and sneak around. Once you are able to step out of it and see it for what it really was, you just shake your head. I know the reasons why I fell into this A, but I'm not sure why I didn't break it off when I so desperately wanted to so many times. If I had done so, I probably wouldn't be sitting where I'm sitting right now, separated from DH. If I had cut it off when I wanted to, he would have never found out about it. And I would be with DH right now. So for you, or anyone else out there that is also married and spouse doesn't know about A, my strongest words of advice are that if you value your marriage at all, you'll end your A's NOW and focus on your relationship. Quit while you're ahead. These are words from someone who has been to the other side of the mountain, seen the view, and is trying to get back. Now THAT'S the only thing that keeps me awake at night. Missing my DH and praying that we can make it through this.

Prayers.

Silly

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 5:14pm

Your post was kind of complicated and I couldn't follow it easily. Sounds like a big tangled web of lies and deceit, but isn't that what all affairs are?

Point is that you've moved on and that is a good thing.

Stay strong.

I don't know when my "final chapter" will come about. I don't feel finished...I feel like I"m still in the beginning stages of NC and have a long ways to go. I do feel okay about it though, about ending things and moving on. My life is not happy. I don't have the wonderful and great H to run home to now like everyone else on here who is married. I keep hearing everyone talk about how great their husbands are. If your husbands were so great why did you have an A? Lord knows I had an A because of years of abuse and neglect, not that that is an excuse. There is no excuse. Wrong is wrong in the world of black and white.

So Silly go forth and prosper. Make the best of the pieces of your life and move on in peace. I wish you the best.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 4:20pm

Undone,

Thank you for your words. I'd like to clarify one thing, though. I did not have a completely happy husband to go home to. In fact, we are separated, and he is anything but happy. He knows what I did, and needless to say, was greatly upset. Though I still have hope that we can eventually work our relationship out to a happier place, that may never be. No, my life was greatly damaged by this affair. That's why I say to the people on these boards that are married and still love their spouses...STOP THE AFFAIR, and don't look back. If you can get out of it before they find out, I do believe that is the best for all concerned. These things just aren't worth it in the long run.

Happy Holidays

Silly