Late at night ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Late at night ...
7
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 9:44am
Anyone else suffer from this???? I can be fine, I mean totally F-I-N-E all day and then if I stay up too late, I found my mind wandering around and eventually it settles on...OMM. I had a nice weekend, lovely Mother's Day, didn't think about OMM really at all, but I got really into this book last night and I stayed up a bit late. Everyone in my house had gone to bed and I was laying on the couch reading and all of a sudden my thoughts shifted from the book to OMM. Then I was sad and missing him and thinking about all the really good times we had. And I can recognize that alot of the "good times" involved alcohol (I'm 19 months in recovery) and that maybe the bigger part of what I was missing was just the whole out of control party scene with him. I don't know. I had a very vivid memory of a Friday night we spent together the last summer of my active alcoholism. I was dressed in this really hot outfit and we went for dinner at a Portugese restaurant and never actually ate dinner - we had a "few" cocktails before dinner, weren't hungry anymore, started getting "down" at the bar, then wound up doing it in the airport parking lot (the restaurant was near a NYC airport). This has soooooo many triggers for me it isn't even funny! In the light of day, when I'm sane (or as sane as I ever get) I can look at these stories and just chalk them up to another crazy night of drinking. But late at night, they take on such a romantic, free feeling. Last night I longed so much to be so free and loving and sexy that for a few moments it seemed worth both breaking NC and taking my first drink in 19 months just to get that feeling back.

OMG, I can't believe I'm sharing this with someone else, but what the h#ll??? We swap all kinds of stories here and I'm sure someone else can relate ...

Have a happy Monday! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 11:52am
Mo, if you can't tell us, who CAN you tell? That's what we're here for!!! :) For me, having you guys here to both vent to and to hold me somewhat accountable has made a big difference. You are someone I particularly admire because you really are overcoming a lot, and you seem very strong and determined. I do not know what it is like to battle alcoholism, but I am sure that throughout your life there are going to be moments like you had last night when you are tempted to have a drink. Every time you overcome that desire without giving in, you are getting stronger! I think it is a sign of wisdom and strength that you can both admit the desire and understand what triggers it. Hang in there, and thanks for sharing your experiences; I know hearing about them helps me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 12:10pm
Add me to the late night torture thyself club. It was late at night that exMM would email each other back and forth...and I would have something to look forward to. I know my thoughts frequently turn to him in the evening and wonder if he is thinking it too (again, MORE useless thoughts). It is late at night when I feel the stronger urge to email him, but then decide I'm probably tired and whiney like the kids and end up going to bed, crying (sometimes).

We all have our "insane" moments in these relationships, we were take some wicked chances with fate....but I think its more about the "thrill" of trying to get away with it. For me, the few times I was intimate with exMM, it was always in a car...and I think by NO MEANS it was romantic. In fact, the one and only time we did the deed was in the back of my van....and I walked away thinking, the backseat of the van is reserved for 2 groups of people: teenagers and prostitutes. And, honey, I ain't NO teenager....so where does this leave me? While the experience was wonderful on one level, it left a dichotomy of feelings and I'm still trying to deal with them, 7 months later.

What I try to do now is avoid the situation....avoid any down time to start obsessing. If, however, I do, though I just try to let them be, experience the pain I feel, not really fight it but not let it control me either. Does that make sense?

big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 1:40pm
Thanks you guys, so much, for responding. I can't seem to get my concentration together today. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place, and I'm sorry to be in my office when my thinking is so clouded. Fortunately, my 10:00 a.m. appointment didn't show up so I'm just dealing with paperwork. I don't feel like coming in contact with anyone today!

Thanks for your encouragement, Maybe. Yah! I'm on a rough road here. Mind you, I wouldn't really take a drink or contact OMM, its just that the desire is so strong sometimes. You know that feeling, like your heart is breaking and the bottom is coming out from under you. But now I know my desire for both will pass, sooner rather than later, and its okay. I can sit in the pain and uncomfortability for awhile, do something to take care of myself, even if that means crying, and walk through it. This is a beautiful lesson to learn, because we've all done alot of harm by acting on those first thoughts to relieve the pain, right?

Thanks for your support! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 10:08am
Hi Mo,

Yes I know exactly how you feel. Damn it, it could have been me writing that post. I go back and forth. Sometimes I am totally fine and I think I have recovered and then it hits me and whammo! All I want to do is act on my feelings, I normally do and then always regret it and feel so awful after. Double edge sword. You want it so bad and then when you give in you feel like crap. Not worth it. I promise you!

I totally hear you about feeling free! I miss the high and the thrill of meeting him and putting on a sexy outfit that I knew would drive him nuts! So silly isnt it. This whole narcisstic talk Clarice has been bringing up makes me question my levels of narcissm.

Wild dangerous sex. That was part of the thrill. Never knowing where we would end up. Often in the craziest and most dangerous of places. I guess part of the thrill. Funny I would feel weird doing it in all the crazy places we ended up in w/ my H. Although he would probably love it. :)

Anyway, sorry didnt respond to you yesterday. I was working from home and realized over the weekend, that your computer keeps a history of the most visited sights and "ending an affair" showed up! Lord you have never seen somebody panic like I did. I kept deleting and deleting and it kept showing up. So I finally cleared up the computer at home (which is actually my H but he rarely uses it) and decided I wouldnt be checking from home anymore. Scary moment.

I hear ya. I understand you about the feelings and the memories that come seeping into our minds. I swear the mind is a dangerous thing.

Hope you are feeling better today.

xo!

ps - NYC huh??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 10:31am
Hi all,

Don't get me started with reminiscing. I'll post that separately bc I feel the need to talk about it. But I wanted to share what little pc expertise I have and that is when you're on the Internet go to Tools and Internet Options. From there delete your history and change it to zero. Also, delete cookies. Under Setting you can View Files and see if there are any cookies left (shows where you've been and when). You can delete those too. I still have problems with MSN remembering my email address which is "mrsjones" as in the song "me and mrs jones", a dead give away. Right now I'm about ready to take a sledge hammer to this pc.

Luvin

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 12:39pm
Can I just add to the clearing up the pc......like luvin said...always go up to Tools in your taskbar and click Internet Options. Delete Cookies, Delete Files (make sure you click the box that say "delete offline contents" and clear History. But understand, that everything you type on your computer is usually ALWAYS on your harddrive somewhere, EVEN WHEN you delete....so if you have a computer savvy husband...I would recommend a scrubbing program (www.cyberscrub.com it has a free 15 day download and cleans up EVERYTHING on the computer and is approved for government standards for safe computing).

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 2:27pm
THANKS YOU GUYS!! Scary isnt it?? I had no idea that all that info. was stored there. That was very close on my part. I actually got caught searching an old boyfriend (long story...dont ask.) can never keep it simple. I guess I was trying to focus on something else. Yes I clearly have some major issues. Anyway, my husband saw his name on a google search and was what are you doing?? I got out of it. But then was trying to clear things up and discovered that "end an affair" was everywhere on this computer. Good Lord. I almost had a heart attack!!!! Thanks for teaching me those tricks. I am a computer dummy.

xo!!

ps - it actually scared me from coming on here as much. nervous doing it now.