Of lately....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Of lately....
6
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 7:48pm
I haven't been posting for a while because I have been healing and re evaluating my life. It's been a while since I thought about xap but of lately he is the only thing on my mind. I have so many questions and I feel like I can't go on without getting them answered. I know that it's just all in my head but I can't shake it. It's been on my mind now for 3 days and it is killing me. When I think about him I get nausus and I get a sad feeling. Why could he not love me? Why did I have to want so much from him? How could he just walk away from me? Why is he not thinking about me like I am thinking about him? Why does it seem like he won? I know none of this matters, I know that I am so much better off. I know he treated me like crap for 3 years and I didn't want it to continue.. So why am I still thinking about him? What in gods name is wrong with me??? When I miss him, I think of all the bad things and instead of it making me feel better to know we made the right Decision to call it quits, I feel even more depressed bc I realize he never loved me or respected me and that I probably would have let it continue. I am so lost. I need a kick in the butt. I need someone that knows everything about him and I to help me through this. It is hard because no one knows
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 8:19pm
Why was I not good enough? I told him my deepest secrets and my fears and he just ran.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 8:30pm

Lost in Love,

I ask the same question as you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 9:24pm

Dear Jap,

I am going to shoot from the hip here - so I hope you can *hear* it from the place it is being delivered. A place of care.

Jap, I don't think you've been healing. I think you've stored those hurts away & now they are festering and making themselves known. It's what happens when we don't do the work to understand the motivations for entering into the affiar, and when we fail to re-frame the affair as something completely and utterly damaging to all involved.

The amount of negative self-talk I hear in your post is indicative of your "stuckness" and distored beliefs:

- I feel like I can't go on without getting them answered.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 11:19pm

I dont like to be a "What SHE saider" but...What TU said!

The ONLY thing I might add, would be that the questions you ask about yourself being "good enough" and such - these answers which seek to VALIDATE your worth and lovability - USUALLY are asked of someone else...when it's US that needs to find and answer those questions by ourselves.

When we cant fully love ourselves and know ourselves worthy in OUR OWN MINDS - then we become succeptible to seeking those answers by validation from somewhere else. Otherwise - when he walked away without looking back - You would NOT have looked within YOURSELF to answer that question.

Dig Deep within - and VALIDATE and ACCEPT yourself -

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Thu, 11-18-2010 - 10:17pm
You are all right. I know I need to move on. I have taken responsibility for my actions but I cant lie, I think of people that have been in affairs for years and seem to be ok. So I just wonder why we could not make it. I need to move on and it is hard. He does not want me and I just need to get that through my head
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 10:28pm

Hey Jap -

I think all of us can relate to how you feel.

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