The latest from "Dear Prudie" re affairs
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| Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:55pm |
Dear Prudence,
Do you think it's appropriate for a married man to have a friendship with a young, single, sexy woman when the wife is not at all comfortable with their relationship? My husband is doing just that. He speaks to this woman with whom he's supposed to be having a "professional" relationship every day on the phone. (Yet he's lied to me about how often they talk; he forgets I get the phone bill so I see the long-distance calls to her every day.) They don't need to talk every day, believe me. Sometimes she just calls to tell him inane things that most girls wouldn't even bother their girlfriends with. When she calls our house and leaves messages, they are flirty and sexy in nature. Up until recently, she would seem very angry when I answered the phone and be very rude to me. To top it off, I found a picture of her with his stash of old Playboys. Think I have a right to be upset and suspicious? He will not sever ties with her and thinks I am jealous and overreacting.
—Confused Mom and Wife
Dear Con,
Prudie is a peace-loving person, but you are within your rights to lower the boom at the top of your lungs. You have played the good schnook long enough. Tell him you may be jealous and overreacting, but you are also considering calling a lawyer unless he tells "his associate" the jig is up, insists she stop phoning, and ditches the photograph. Clearly, something is unhinged in your relationship, making your husband think he can try to camouflage what is, at the very least, a flirt but more probably an affair. And for him to tolerate this woman insulting you on the phone is just this side of despicable. If he doesn't see things your way, let what's-her-name have him.
—Prudie, exasperatedly
Dear Prudie,
Many of the questions posed to you concern the inappropriate behavior of other people and how to deal with it. I'm writing to ask your advice about my own inappropriate behavior. For the past year, I've been working with an extraordinary gentleman. We were close friends from the beginning, as I helped train him for his position. He is handsome and fun with a great personality. A couple months ago, I realized I was falling in love with this man. This married man. I would never consider intimating anything to him, but I have caught myself going overboard to be nice to him. For example, he oftentimes doesn't bring a lunch to work, so I sneak off on my lunch break and bring him back a feast, for which he is always appreciative. Or I prepare his work for him. Or I defend him to upper management even if he's wrong. What do I do about this? Do I confess? Do I sever any kind of personal relationship and lose a friend?
—Hopelessly in Love in Utah
Dear Hope,
What you do is get a grip and learn to be a chess player. That is, try to look ahead and tell yourself that if you do X, Y will happen. Prudie will give you a preview. If you "confess," he will either a) brush you off, nicely, saying he thinks you're swell, but he is happily married or b) he will leap at the invitation, and then you will be entangled with a married man who is also camped out in your workplace. Down the line, something will happen to break it up, and you will be in a most unfortunate position. If you totally deep-six the friendship, he will figure everything out—if he hasn't already. It is indeed possible to have a "personal relationship" without providing catering, work prep, and defender services. To salvage your dignity and protect your own job, stop with the fancy slave-girl lunches and carrying his water with upper management. Make an effort to rein it in and spare yourself some heartbreak.
—Prudie, professionally


