LC is so awful.
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 05-21-2010 - 5:11pm |
last week it was suicidal ideation while we were away for work.
This week he shouts after me as I am walking away and suggests that our work isn't going well because 'we' are so dis-connected. A mutual brunch with our other close friends this weekend - he gives me the heads up that he's bringing W - didn't think it would be good for us if i went. All this while I am walking to my car. He walks to hug me and I go into some kinda shock - and I am telling myself - walk away. walk away. he's coming for you. and i just freese.
I want to scream. I want to stand in the shower until the water runs
cold. I hurt. I feel humiliated and degraded. I feel sick. The rage feels bigger than me. I know it's not, but it's how it feels. I have to walk away from it all: my friends, my work, ... or else he isn't going to let go of me without dragging me down.
)-:

(((TU)))
It sucks. There's no denying it. After six years (today is my anny), I still asked for the afternoon off. My stomach was in knots having to listen to him and another coworker blah, blah, blah in the office where I usually work alone. Usually it doesn't' affect me anymore, but I knew what day it was.
~Iddy~
Tu,
Oh...my. So sorry. Hugs n love to ya. I am so sorry you had to endure that. So sorry. That LC stuff has got to be so damn tough. You ladies in LC have always had my utmost respect n admiration.
First, you need to tell him that he is not to physically contact you ever for any reason. You need to let him know that you have boundaries. N he is not welcome to EVER cross them for any reason. Ever. You also need to tell him that he is not discuss any work functions with you and whether or not you should attend. While it's good that he gave you a heads up, it's not his place to dictate where or what functions you go to.
Might be a good idea to at least look at job opportunities. Just can not hurt.
You need to show him your strength n put ur foot down. I know this may be tough, but he can not violate you further.
Now, to you, ok, this is a bullet. Not one that will kill you tho. Remember, you are Alive!
N, TU, you are stronger than you think. U are an amazing poster. You have a big heart n have reached out to other newbies. Your posts astound us. They have been amazing. Really. U have this gift of giving tough love w/o the tough part. U tune into people pain n bring them comfort. You really have come far in a short period considering your situation.
Now it's time you took some steps to protect yourself. Have a plan, be ready for this next time. Now u have this experience. With a plan, he will not make u feel the way he did. I am sure our CL will have some great ideas for a plan.
In the meantime, enjoy your kids this weekend, keep busy. If u need a cyberbuddy, let me know n we can chat all weekend if need be.
We are here.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Dear Iddy: Thank you for being here to quickly to speak to me of your experience. I'm sorry. I am sorry that today is a hard(er) day for you to. I am grateful that we have you here. With each wise word you generously share with us, you remind us of what's to come. You remind us to remember the journey. It's okay that it is a journey. I am learning so much along the way. I look to you as a soul midwife offering soothing words when we are vulnerable and direct 'orders' when the situation calls for it. Your holding space for each of us to give 'birth' to our new(er) selves.
Like the work of real midwives, you serve humanity.
Luvin: My EAS sister. You make me cry and smile at the same time. Your words of praise and kindness make me feel proud of myself and how far I have come. I feel like I have worked hard, and it feels incredible to hear someone make comments on the growth. You are a soft pillow to rest on, while being solid ground to stand on. I am so grateful to/for you. I hope you know how much you mean to us here.
I am still feeling a little rocky, but I'll be okay. I know this weekend has us all a spinning a bit. But the sun is coming out - and I'm Alive ... and today, that's good enough for me (-:
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi ((TU))
I am also in LC situation (xmm is my boss) and I so agree with you that is not a good situation to be in.
Hi Trans,
LC IS awful.
Dear Mickey,
You're story as you have written it, is so powerful and I've learned from the pain you experienced. I know that healing will take much longer with him around. I also know that he is way farther behind in healing and coping with the aftermath of the A. He had a planned Dday with his W - was looking for apartments and told her he was in love with me. We started making plans. We had our hopes up for a brighter future. What a fool I was. What a fool.
He changed his mind and broke my heart for the last time. I walked out without looking back. I had a couple of breaks in NC initially - brought on by serious incidents in his life that he chose to share with me. Like the addict I was I caved to his 'need' for me and my need to be needed. When I heard him repeating the same old crap again - when I could see he still wanted to carry on the A after all this - that's when I finally walked away. That was 37 days ago. I don't grieve for him now. I really don't. I grieve for the life I tossed so easily away. I grieve for the woman I always prided myself on being. I grieve for her (W) and the losses she has endured and continues to endure. I feel rage that he still wants to pursue a relationship with me. I feel exhausted. I miss my life. My RL.
You know last night I called my H from a friend's house. I had forgotten to lock the door and was scared to go home. He went to my house (he moved out) and walked through to make sure no one was in it, and locked up for me. I cried so hard when he called me back to say that all was clear. I remember talking to my xAP via IM and thought I heard someone in my house - and he didn't even blink an eye. I was crying and scared. He did nothing. My H - after all the DDays is still here for me. Living with the reality of throwing my M out like trash haunts me.
Even today, even though my xAP was such a loser - I never felt weak. Now, more than ever, I feel powerful. I feel determination like never before. Each and every day I am growing stronger. Today will not repeat itself. He has no idea who he is dealing with. I have worked with the most broken women - the women who were literally fighting for their lives to leave their relationships - I have learned from them how to go from surviving to thriving. I have learned from each of you here.
Thank you for sharing Mickey. It means so much to me.
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Thank you gullable for taking the time to write to me. It is so hard - yup, I feel those drips hitting my forehead and I want to scream. I have had to face his W - actually while she screamed at me and he stood and watched. Coward.
I also won't be going to the brunch. If only so that she doesn't need to endure the sight of me. I know she would hurt. I don't want to have to perform like that. I can walk away.
Finding different work isn't possible at this time because it is tied to my studies. I have taken some drastic steps to create distance though - and know that our time together is coming to a close. I have readied myself as much as possible for what that might feel like. But no use in worrying - I know that any change that comes for me now will be healthy and mindful - even if it is painful. I survived my H choosing to leave to give me space to figure my life out - nothing hurt more than watching the best thing ever happen to me leave.
Deep sigh. I am so proud of us all. We are strong when we were once so weak. And while it may take us all differing lengths of time to come to know our own worth - we will get there. No doubt about it. My heart aches reading the posts of new members. You just want to beg them to stay - to believe enough in themselves, in us, in the wisdom of the vets. I only wish I had stayed around the first time I posted - I would be coming up on 5 months, instead of 5 weeks NC.
Alas, it takes practice to leave.
Take care and thank you again,
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi Mickey,
I have missed ya lady. How r u? I am formerly SJ. We started together a while back. We used to post back n forth daily. It was around Christmas...hope u remember me.
Happy to see you are on the right path to healing...you sound so much better than u did. Wishing you the best
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Hi Luvin,
I do remember....how are you?
Living w/ex-H made me stay away from the boards.
Sorry about ex n the new female roomate...I don't know what to tell you . Sticky. My goodness. Who dies ur son primarily live with. What's ur custody arrangement? Maybe something you can do legally if u r that strongly against? U need to speak with ur D attorney if u are worried about his best interests.
He at the very least has to tell you about her...all about her. As much as u need to know so you are comfortable. That's the law in most states.
Hang in there.
Hope you have better days.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida